If your mother is in her 70s, how often does she initiate contact?

[theoldhasgone]

I'm trying to get a sense of what is 'normal' here, if your mother is in her 70s and you have any kids.

If you are in contact with your mother, how often does she initiate contact by phoning or arrranging a visit or inviting you over? Not talking about participating in group chat or sending a quick message, but actual voice calls or face-to-face contact.

I speak to my DM once a week, though we will message or email each other in the interim if there's something happening / we see a good offer / we need to ask a question. Like a PP, DM knows that our life is busy whereas hers is quiet, so it is always a case of me phoning her so that I can do so when is convenient to me.

Every.fucking.day...... with the same dull conversation.

My dh's Mum always calls him though. Reason being, he would never initiate contact.

Once or twice a week, I would worry if I hadn't heard from her as she lives alone.

DM phones us most days . She lives alone and feels lonely. On the days she doesn't all us, we usually call her.

I'm in my late 60's and have two children in their early 30's. No grandchildren. Contact is great and I would say very reciprocal. But I'm very wary of becoming an intrusive, needy, or "helicopter" parent.
Could it be possible that some of the mothers of PPs who feel their mums don't care about them much, or who are uninterested in their lives, may also be afraid of encroaching too much into their daughter's life? And then this comes across as not caring? Just a thought.........
I actually find being a mum to adults FAR harder than when they were children!
But maybe that's just me, and a topic for another thread!

I speak to my dm at least once a day. Either she will call or I will. Txt too. I think i’m rather needy!

She initiates contact a bit more than I do, we usually have one long-ish phone call a week which might be either of us, text a few times and occasionally email if forwarding eg a news article of interest. She also texts my DCs fairly regularly (older teens). She uses the phone A LOT, she’s always on it, she is a very talkative person. We tend to initiate meeting up as we have very busy lives and know when we are free, but she and DF are fairly busy people too still. However we don’t meet all that often now, partly Covid, partly life getting in the way for all of us.

My mum is mid 70's. She lives nearby but her hearing isn't good so phone calls are much easier. We speak usually every 7-10 days but lots of messages in between - 'did you see this' type of thing or lately, her asking for help with tech as she doesn't have a mobile phone so often uses my number if she has to give it out.

I do the same with my teens but text or WA instead of email. DS1 is away with his gf this week, they sent photos a few days ago but nothing since, he's back tomorrow. They're in their 20's so I'm sure they're fine!

Some of my friends have a specific day they call their kids but I'm not that keen on either side being tied to a particular time if there's not much to say.

Hardly ever - I call her every few weeks. But I get told off by my dad every so often that I don't call enough. They were both lucky enough to retire in early 50's and I am busy as ever and will have to work till late 60's. I don't understand at all their thinking about how all the calling and visiting has to be at my instigation given the amount of free time they have.

I speak to my parents 2/3 times a week. Probably 50/50 who calls. My parents live very close by so see them usually at least once a week too. My Mum now has Alzheimer's so soon won't be able to work the phone (is struggling now) which adds another layer of sadness to the relationship. We are very close. Stay close to them while you can!

What an interesting thread.

I'm in my 50's my DC is in their late 30's.

See them face to face usually about once a month. Although haven't seen them since June!

They live an hour away.

Very rarely call each other! Who phones nowadays?? Maybe FaceTime once a month if something has made us laugh and we want to share it.

Text 3 or 4 times a week.

We all work full time, they're arranging their wedding so weekend are full. I'm away most weekends. Especially this time of year.

Maybe it would be different if I was retired or there was grandkids.

Actually no, if I was retired I'd be out backpacking around the world. So probably would see them less.

Coz despite what you young mumnetters think life doesn't end once you hit 60! It begins!! ;)

Once a week. She monologues at me for 20 or 30 minutes, then asks if I have any holidays planned. She never appears to retain this information, as the same holiday plans come as news to her every time she asks. Then asks if I’ve spoken to my brother, then says she must go and make lunch and hangs up.

I see her very infrequently these days- maybe three or four times a year. I feel bad about that and know she’d like it to be more often, but I’ve just got too much on to go to her, and I try and avoid her coming here because, frankly, she shouldn’t be driving any more, she’s not safe and I don’t want to contribute to the risk of something awful happening.

despite what you young mumnetters think life doesn't end once you hit 60! It begins!! ;)

This is massively dependent on the person and their attitude to life My ILs are really active, take frequent short breaks around the UK, go walking, birdwatching etc. They have a small circle of friends who they see regularly, and they take an interest in the wider world.

My mum (younger than both my ILs) barely leaves her house, has been so inactive for so much of her life that walking more than a couple of miles is a struggle. She obsessively watches TV, and likes to spend her time pronouncing judgement on what she thinks young people are doing these days (in reality she has no clue as she doesn't interact with other people enough).

DM rarely calls. I find it a pain to call her as when I'm not doing my things/ mum taxi etc, it's times like her putting the cats to bed or bath time, and because it can take a few weeks to get round to calling you need to allow an hour's window. It tends to end up me phoning every few weeks. She has rung this year because an elderly relative died, and I can't remember if there were any other calls.

She proudly refuses to do technology, so I can't even send a text message, let alone whatsapp or share photos.

She doesn't like DS1 (high functioning autism) and hasn't invited us down since 2019. She can't get herself up to mine and hasn't for a number of years. I've only seen her in recent years because I went to the cemetery on anniversaries and asked to "pop in". I have no other reason to be "popping" around that area.

Maybe I could make more effort, but she's hardly encouraging in many ways and I have enough on at my stage of life without foisting myself on someone who could be more welcoming and doesn't seem that bothered. I can only be 50% responsible anyway. If she was more inviting, I'd take her up on it.

My mum phones me about every 3/4/5 weeks.
DH's dad is similar.

OP why don't you ask your mum why she doesn't phone you or invite you round instead of just speculating about it?

About once a week. We don't have a group chat or social media with her.
There's not much to talk about tbh.

My mum never phones me, but comes to the house a couple of times a week. She lives not far away. The couple of times she has called me in the past 30 years it was for emergencies she needed help with.

My dad is the opposite and calls several times a week. I think it's because he lost contact with his relatives when he moved away from his home town and doesn't want to lose that with his children. I try to keep this in mind and don't get too pissed off with him when he calls at 9am on Monday, or 8am on Saturday 🤨

My in-laws very rarely call, my husband calls them every Sunday evening. Emergency calls come from SIL if there's anything wrong their end.

This.

She's a recent and reluctant user of What's App but she's realised it's a good way to maintain informal contact. Phone calls are intermittent and always me who calls (we're o/seas and our package includes call to the UK whereas she has to pay extra to speak to me.) My dad will sometimes call, usually for a reason like he's received some mail or something he wants a hand with, and ask me to call him back.

Never. My mum is 79 and in poor health now.I always used to ring once a week but I got sick of hearing about everyone else and hardly any interest in me.

I mentioned it was my 5 years wedding anniversary. Her reply was oh, your sister must be married 8 years now. That really hurt.

Pretty much daily! Either she texts me or I text her most days, normally she asks about my young adult DC (one of whom is having some issues), or there's an update on my Grandmothers health (she's in her 90's), or there's a funny story about my niece and nephew. My texts to her normally relate to the latest dog related disaster!

My Dad (parents are together) texts me once a year to remind me my car needs it's MOT 🤣

We FaceTime once a week or every two weeks and text probably twice a week. My Mam is 78 but she's much busier than I am.

Dad not mum, he brought me up from v young when my DM died and he hasn't had another serious partner.

We speak a few times a day, via voice notes. It's too much to be honest and can get annoying when I have my toddler, job, life to deal with too, but I love him dearly and we are very close. He made huge sacrifices to bring me up and it makes him feel loved, valued and less lonely.

There are reasons! Now is really not a good time to make her feel like she's done something wrong, for various reasons. I might make a casual comment as I indicated in an earlier post, although even that seems a bit much actually.