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Original poster

Found drugs DS15 - how do I tackle it?

81 replies

worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 07:56

I’m really disappointed & upset. My ds is at a friend’s house and I was washing his clothes. Something fell out of his hoody. It is a wallet with a small grinder & the remains of weed.

I am going to collect him later and thought I would broach it in the car. It will be hard for me not to fly off the handle. I hate that I can’t trust him any more. Ex and I thought we were doing a reasonably good job. We were going to give him an allowance every month but now I feel I can’t, He has been selling his things on debop etc and now I’m concerned the money has been going on drugs.

He is at boarding school. I don’t think he would dare dabble at school but I will discuss this with someone there in September. I’m so concerned. My ex, unfortunately, is passive about things. We have them 50:50. I’ve suggested he becomes more engaged because it feels as though a lot of stuff goes untracked when the dcs are under his watch.

Please could someone advise on how to tackle this? My ds and I have a pretty good relationship on the whole.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 21/08/2022 07:58

I threw away what I’d found, stopped pocket money, and kept him busy. Pushed sports and got him a job.
With my son it affected his MH so he quickly realised it was a bad thing to do.

Original poster
worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 08:02

Thanks KK. Definitely stopping pocket money & the means to making money. He’s unlikely to be able to get a job at 15, although he was talking about that.

Definitely needs to be kept busier. I will keep a closer eye on his friends. I’m shocked because he has been keeping pretty busy - swimming, gym, etc but I suspect there has been some hanging out with friends, too.

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KangarooKenny · 21/08/2022 08:05

For my son it came via his friends at school, these were kids from good loving homes with supportive parents in a good school.
I believe they were actually buying it from a local small shop.

balalake · 21/08/2022 08:15

There does need to be conversation which I think you acknowledge.

Drugs are never going to be legalised. So does your DS want to support the stabbing of young men as part of the drugs trade, disproportionately young black men. He does not intend it, but in my opinion you cannot say that black lives matter and take illegal drugs.

Original poster
worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 08:19

KK I’m wondering that, too, if it’s a local shop or maybe one of his friends brought it in from a different town.

Balalake, definitely a talk. I feel sick to my stomach, this is exactly what I’m upset about. I had already had a similar conversation with my dcs before about drug buying & how that works in the UK. I’m really upset, I thought he was pretty moral about things.

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DesertOrchi · 21/08/2022 08:24

Take him and the items to the nearest police station and insist he tells them from whom he bought it.The only way to wipe out this scourge is to lock up those who supply it for a long time.I like the American system where if you give up those further up the food chain,you either get let off or get a reduced punishment depending on the nature of the offence.

shazzybazzy34 · 21/08/2022 08:28

Ffs, talk about extreme. Do you want the kid to get a hiding?

Original poster
worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 08:33

Desert, while part of me does feel like that, I don’t think it’s a realistic way for us to tackle things. I just want him to stop whatever involvement he has. I need a clearer picture of where this has come from but he knows my views and I’m really upset.

It would help to cal. Me down if I could have experiences from other parents. I suffer from anxiety & its going through the roof this morning.

OP posts:
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 21/08/2022 08:35

Firstly you need to understand that the police will most probably not care unless he is dealing. Any PPs who think that the police will help much with this, or care where he bought it are very wrong IME - although our police are the terrible Met so they really don't care much about small amounts of weed.

Unfortunately weed is a massive part of life for kids - whether or not they go on to smoke it regularly they will all be exposed to it at some point. Depending where you live it may be more prevalent; we are in S London and it's everywhere. It's important to be aware of how much kids are seeing on TikTok and Snapchat about drugs and the supposed glamourise lifestyle attached to them. These apps can groom kids all by themselves, meaning that when they are offered something they are primed to accept it.

Before you stop his money, you need to know that dealers are very accommodating of kids with no money. They will give them drugs for free and gradually the child gets more involved and ends up delivering or dealing drugs themselves, or they may shoplift to pay the dealer with goods.

It's very difficult, I have had too much experience of this with DS. He is nearly 15 and I know he still smokes it, he is not allowed to smoke inside but still occasionally does (I have never caught him but I can smell it) and I feel like I am swimming against the tide if I'm honest.

Like many people have suggested, you can try taking phones or turning it off WiFi but you don't want the dealer to give him a phone you don't know about.

shazzybazzy34 · 21/08/2022 08:37

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 21/08/2022 08:35

Firstly you need to understand that the police will most probably not care unless he is dealing. Any PPs who think that the police will help much with this, or care where he bought it are very wrong IME - although our police are the terrible Met so they really don't care much about small amounts of weed.

Unfortunately weed is a massive part of life for kids - whether or not they go on to smoke it regularly they will all be exposed to it at some point. Depending where you live it may be more prevalent; we are in S London and it's everywhere. It's important to be aware of how much kids are seeing on TikTok and Snapchat about drugs and the supposed glamourise lifestyle attached to them. These apps can groom kids all by themselves, meaning that when they are offered something they are primed to accept it.

Before you stop his money, you need to know that dealers are very accommodating of kids with no money. They will give them drugs for free and gradually the child gets more involved and ends up delivering or dealing drugs themselves, or they may shoplift to pay the dealer with goods.

It's very difficult, I have had too much experience of this with DS. He is nearly 15 and I know he still smokes it, he is not allowed to smoke inside but still occasionally does (I have never caught him but I can smell it) and I feel like I am swimming against the tide if I'm honest.

Like many people have suggested, you can try taking phones or turning it off WiFi but you don't want the dealer to give him a phone you don't know about.

Exactly this.

NancyJoan · 21/08/2022 08:37

Going straight to hitting the roof rarely helps. He’ll likely just be defensive and then clam up.

Tell him you’ve found it, ask him how long he’s being doing it and why. It’s what I did with my DD when I found a load of vapes in her room. (I know not so serious, but I was devastated, and felt betrayed).

Lavendersummer · 21/08/2022 08:38

Be careful about discussing this with school. They will out their best interests first - not those of your DS. I’m thinking you don’t want him to be expelled?

Original poster
worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 08:41

I'm really scared by what I am reading on here: dealers, second phones, it is really upsetting me.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 08:42

Tbh Lavender, if he gets expelled, he gets expelled. I have a duty to keep him safe. There has been no evidence whatsoever of him getting involved in anything at school and they are likely to say that this is in home time.

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Arewerelated · 21/08/2022 08:43

I would stop money and stop the depop selling too. I'm assuming that he is selling things that you and his father bought, or things bought with money from family for birthdays etc?

With a lad who is well educated and intelligent like him, I would challenge him on why his wish to get high with friends means he's happy with poorer people suffering, being trafficked etc? I'd say how disappointed I was that gifts etc are being turned into money for drugs

Arewerelated · 21/08/2022 08:44

It doesn't sound like he is in in deep OP. Xx

Original poster
worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 08:44

Thank you, Thisisnotreal. I am calming down a bit. Most teenage boys will be exposed to it, I think. It is everywhere, you are right. I'm sorry you are swimming against the tide. I'm really concerned on so many levels.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 08:45

Arewerelated · 21/08/2022 08:44

It doesn't sound like he is in in deep OP. Xx

Thank you for this. The rational side of me thinks he isn't. It's my anxiety talking.

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KangarooKenny · 21/08/2022 08:47

I would say that it’s now a thing that a lot of teens go through unfortunately.
Just keep a good relationship where he can come to you and talk to you. Don’t go mad and make him shut down, have an open conversation.
I was told by my 20’s DS a while back that kids go for weed now as it’s cheaper than alcohol.

Original poster
worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 08:50

Arewerelated · 21/08/2022 08:43

I would stop money and stop the depop selling too. I'm assuming that he is selling things that you and his father bought, or things bought with money from family for birthdays etc?

With a lad who is well educated and intelligent like him, I would challenge him on why his wish to get high with friends means he's happy with poorer people suffering, being trafficked etc? I'd say how disappointed I was that gifts etc are being turned into money for drugs

Thank you so much. I think it is old clothes. Yes, he has a bit of birthday money. We have had to be really careful with money so he doesn't have big amounts and he has to work for things he wants to buy.

I will try to make the conversation about that. It's a discussion we have had before - who gets involved, how, etc.

I'm guessing that he had a bit of extra cash through selling things, and maybe bought it off a friend from a different town who was visiting for the day. I'm so worried about him getting into dealing but the likelihood is that this is him dabbling or maybe hiding the stuff for a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 08:51

KangarooKenny · 21/08/2022 08:47

I would say that it’s now a thing that a lot of teens go through unfortunately.
Just keep a good relationship where he can come to you and talk to you. Don’t go mad and make him shut down, have an open conversation.
I was told by my 20’s DS a while back that kids go for weed now as it’s cheaper than alcohol.

Thanks so much, KK. I am feeling a bit calmer. Yes, probably easier for them to get, too, sadly. Yes, I need to keep that good relationship going.

OP posts:
GlueyMooey · 21/08/2022 08:53

You can buy very cheap drug tests on Amazon. Maybe don't remove any of his allowance but test him until he earns back your trust. Some young men (mostly men) are really badly effected by weed with MH issues. It's a really dumb thing for them to use. I'd prefer alcohol.

Original poster
worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 08:54

Can I just ask - he is in quite a close friendship group. Would you tell those parents?

OP posts:
somethinggotmestarted · 21/08/2022 08:55

If he was in deep, you'd have smelt it on him long before you found it. Bloody awful stuff.

Kids dabble, don't overreact or get too preachy. Treat him like a grown up and discuss why he's doing it and what he thinks the pitfalls are. Then decide if there's going to be punishment and what that looks like.

Original poster
worriesoftheworld · 21/08/2022 08:55

GlueyMooey · 21/08/2022 08:53

You can buy very cheap drug tests on Amazon. Maybe don't remove any of his allowance but test him until he earns back your trust. Some young men (mostly men) are really badly effected by weed with MH issues. It's a really dumb thing for them to use. I'd prefer alcohol.

Thanks Gluey. I'll get a better idea first but that's a good strategy. Both weed & alcohol are bad in different ways.

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