Found drugs DS15 - how do I tackle it?

[worriesoftheworld]

I’m really disappointed & upset. My ds is at a friend’s house and I was washing his clothes. Something fell out of his hoody. It is a wallet with a small grinder & the remains of weed.

I am going to collect him later and thought I would broach it in the car. It will be hard for me not to fly off the handle. I hate that I can’t trust him any more. Ex and I thought we were doing a reasonably good job. We were going to give him an allowance every month but now I feel I can’t, He has been selling his things on debop etc and now I’m concerned the money has been going on drugs.

He is at boarding school. I don’t think he would dare dabble at school but I will discuss this with someone there in September. I’m so concerned. My ex, unfortunately, is passive about things. We have them 50:50. I’ve suggested he becomes more engaged because it feels as though a lot of stuff goes untracked when the dcs are under his watch.

Please could someone advise on how to tackle this? My ds and I have a pretty good relationship on the whole.

Just came on to say careful with telling school - read him the riot act / get him a visit from the local constabulary or take a more compassionate approach but I assume GCSEs are looming so proceed with caution as you don't want to jump the gun & make a bad situation worse. Asking questions with no judgement as PP said might be the best first step so you can find out the extent of the problem & what is really going on.

This.

Your son getting expelled mid way through GCSEs isn't going to decrease the likelihood that this incident leads to him accidentally ruining his life.

Yes this. Loads of people smoked weed when I was a teen and they're now normal, fully fledged adults with jobs and families and don't smoke it anymore. It's a bit dramatic to talk about drug dealers and second phones. He's probably buying it off someone he knows at school or summat not some Mr Big gangster.

I think there’s some very unhelpful comments here OP - don’t listen to any of the preachy lot who tell you to go nuclear, it won’t help at all. Most teenage boys (and girls) are going to be exposed to drugs at some point, and a close knit environment like boarding school even more so. It doesn’t sound like it’s affected his school attainment, personal relationships or anything else or you’d have noticed.

By all means talk to him about the supply chain and whatnot, I think that’s fair, but it’s totally unrealistic to think they’ll never see or touch drugs (or other things that are bad for them) due to a stern talking to. I went to a grammar (not the same as boarding I appreciate, but similar attitudes) and everyone was drinking, smoking weed and getting off with each other from about 13. Not to say it was all rosy, but kids experiment, and it’s better if the parents accommodate (reasonably) so it’s done safely. If you go mad at him, he’ll just do it behind your back - they’re crafty, as were we at that age. All those I’m still in touch with are all in well paid jobs, stable relationships, happy kids (those that have them).

Honestly appalled by the ‘lock them up and throw away the key brigade’ here. It’s so unrealistic and hypocritical - guarantee the majority of MM have smoked weed and drank as teens, and many many more will have enjoyed MDMA and Coke in their 20s and beyond. Some people can have problems with drugs. Some can have problems with alcohol. Some can have problems with sex. Your kid sounds fine.

Please DO NOT go to the POLICE or SCHOOL! Do not isolate your son and make him feel shame for his experimentation with drugs. Do not cut off his ability to exert some independence and control in his own life as this may have the opposite effect by making him need outside influences to help him regain some control of his life. Sounds like he can talk to you so just keep talking and trying to understand it from his point of view. We are all unique human beings with biological, psychological, social and sociological markers which influence our behaviour. We need to respect this in our children's choices and try and help them manage their lives. Of course, there will be some consequences in relation to your son's drug experimentation but these have to be negotiated carefully with your son with both parties feeling they are justified.

The laissez faire attitude on here is alarming.All drugs are supplied eventually by some "Mr Big" who needs to be locked up for a very long time (forever).I am afraid you who think using cannabis is harmless are sticking your head in the sand.Drugs are an existential threat to our society.Cars and alcohol are not.

I mean, it's a bit of weed. It's not like you've found herion and needles in his pockets. I've seen teenagers do far stupider things and get themselves in utter states from drinking, than I have when they've smoked some weed. The only reason it's not legal is due to tax reasons, not because it's this awful dangerous drug. Plenty of people in the UK now use cannabis products to help with pain relief, ease anxiety, help with epilepsy and adhd etc, it's really not such a horrid thing :)

@DesertOrchi you can literally grow cannabis yourself in your garden?

www.brusselstimes.com/225702/9-million-deaths-per-year-caused-by-pollution

www.addictioncenter.com/community/why-alcohol-is-the-deadliest-drug/

According to a study released in 2010 by a group of British scientists, alcohol was rated the most harmful drug overall and almost three times as harmful as Cocaine or Tobacco. In comparison, ecstasy was only one eighth as harmful as alcohol. This ranking encouraged the scientists to say that aggressively targeting the harms of alcohol is a necessary public health strategy. They also mentioned that the current drug classifications had little to do with the relation to the evidence of harm. Just because Cocaine and heroin are illegal doesn’t make them more dangerous. The World Health Organization estimates risks linked to alcohol cause 2.5 million deaths worldwide each year from heart and liver disease, road accidents, suicides, and cancer. On the scale given by the scientists, alcohol received a score of 72 out of 100. Heroin received a 55, while crack received a 54.

Seriously, you don't think alcohol is a threat to our society? Alcohol kills thousands every year not to mention the thousands more who are dependent on it. Then there's alcohol related accidents and violence.

www.dsmfoundation.org.uk/if-you-have-concerns/

hope this helps x

Of course alcohol is a problem,I have never said that it is not,but this conversation is about illegal drugs.
Re pollution,I am sure everyone posting here likes their creature comforts and unfortunately pollution is a by product.Again this conversation is about illegal drugs,not pollution.Perhaps someone would like to bring up smoking and gambling in an effort to divert attention.

'Drugs are an existential threat to our society.Cars and alcohol are not.'

Did you write this in a previous quote?

Strongly agree with this.

Good lord, you need to calm down. If you speak to his school/the police, he will never trust you again. Lots of young people experiment with weed, with no lasting side effects. I was one of them! Thank god my parents didn't dob me in to my school. Lots of perfectly normal adults also smoke weed. Have a chat with him, but please don't alienate him for doing something so ordinary. Yes weed is illegal, but for political reasons, not because it's so terrible for you.

Sit down with him and have a chat.
Buy him the book "Mum, can you lend me twenty quid"
A real story about a young boy who started dabbling in drugs...and where it ended up.
It's a powerful story that all teens should read.

Good luck x

This happens in UK too

Update: Thank you for all your replies. I can see it generated discussion. FWIW both alcohol AND drugs are threats, but teenagers will be teenagers and they will experiment - sex, too. A sense of proportion is needed. I tend to panic because I didn't have these experiences as a teenager. I was always the sensible one in the group - but my siblings did, and we lost friends to drugs, so I've always been on high alert.

Luckily, he is in a great group of friends and I can discuss ideas about damage limitation with parents. Whilst you are right, telling the school might work against his reputation, it wouldn't get him expelled because this happened out of school. It can't do any harm to raise the need for a reminder about drugs and alcohol, generally, and especially before holidays. Term time seems ok, the school is on it. I may not even need to say anything, tbh. Definitely no intention of any police involvement.

He was mortified. He said it was his first time, someone from a local school gave him some of his own stash. He told me about the experience of taking it, it didn't do much for him and he won't do it again. I relayed my concerns about not knowing if he was taking it/dealing it/part of any chain, and he reassured me that it's none of those things. I'm inclined to believe him, based on the rest of the chat and on previous discussions. He felt upset about abusing my trust. That sounds good.

We had a helpful conversation about drugs vs alcohol, which is the more damaging, whether teens have the right to experiment, the role of privacy in our family, and trust vs FOMO in general. I was able to convey that I need to keep him safe, and it's my job as his parent to make sure he's safe - he can have a good time, and we want him to "experience the world", but just to be aware around issues of personal safety. (Can you tell that this is the core of my own anxiety issues?).

Going back to my usual username now, but thank you for helping me in my hour of need and I hope this thread helps other parents.

I would be very surprised if it was his first time using it, especially with the grinder - when I was at school only the regular users carried grinders. The occasional participators used to just wait for someone else to light up and share it. Sounds like you had a good chat though.

I said the same. He told me he bought it from a local shop and knows all about it from Snapchat, etc. Still sounds a bit iffy but I can kind of imagine there was a bit of a social bravado thing going on. Yes, really good chat.

Do get him the book 'Mum can you lend me twenty quid?' as someone else suggested. It's shocking but very readable, and will really make him think.

Great idea, thank you. Will get it for myself and leave it in his view - he often flicks through my books.

Sounds like a really good chat. You've obviously done a pretty good job as mum so far that he's willing to open up to you this much and he sounds like a sensible lad.
Good luck as you navigate all the future thrills and spills of teenager hood. There will be many more!