Found drugs DS15 - how do I tackle it?

[worriesoftheworld]

I’m really disappointed & upset. My ds is at a friend’s house and I was washing his clothes. Something fell out of his hoody. It is a wallet with a small grinder & the remains of weed.

I am going to collect him later and thought I would broach it in the car. It will be hard for me not to fly off the handle. I hate that I can’t trust him any more. Ex and I thought we were doing a reasonably good job. We were going to give him an allowance every month but now I feel I can’t, He has been selling his things on debop etc and now I’m concerned the money has been going on drugs.

He is at boarding school. I don’t think he would dare dabble at school but I will discuss this with someone there in September. I’m so concerned. My ex, unfortunately, is passive about things. We have them 50:50. I’ve suggested he becomes more engaged because it feels as though a lot of stuff goes untracked when the dcs are under his watch.

Please could someone advise on how to tackle this? My ds and I have a pretty good relationship on the whole.

You say you have a good relationship with him, so communication is key here. Hopefully he will open up and be honest with you and you can work from there but you need to reiterate your stance that you will not tolerate drugs in your home.

Cutting off money and phones will not work - dealers will be very quick to give him weed in exchange for him doing something for them, selling for them to work off what he owes for example, and at 15 he’s really vulnerable to this.

I think the threat of speaking to school would work better maybe? Is grounding an option?

Work out what it is you are so against and give him lots of information on it; the effect on mental health, the reality of the drugs chain, the exploitation, the stabbings.

Good luck x

This is just ridiculous, please do not do this!

Have you ever raised teens?

OP I would have a very frank and honest conversation with him, talk about the risks of using cannabis, as well as the legal connotations

Try not to be angry, stay calm, listen, be clear

Thanks Something. He's been at his dad's so hopefully he would have smelt it. Thank you, yes, i need to remember that kids dabble. Your approach is wise. He knows how I feel about it. I'm a bit worried that he is in deeper than he is letting on but that could be my anxiety.

Are you sure he is actually smoking the stuff? I ask because the smell is so strong and very obvious, it stays with the smoker, in clothes and hair etc, if you havent smelt it on him then maybe the owning of the grinder is just teenage bravado, my lovely, kind well bought nephews have taken up vaping (absolute nitwits) its all fashion and posturing and kids are idiots. He knows your views, he knows its twatty, stop his money, make it very clear you will not be funding his habit.

Thanks Tom I will do as you suggest. I am more anxious than angry but hopefully it really is just dabbling. Maybe the boys are dealing amongst themselves, that hadn't occurred to me before.

I think you need to get some perspective - this is not a ‘moral’ issue that you are making it out to be. You need to be really carefully you don’t isolate him from you so he develops a secret life he can’t talk to you about. Punishing him but taking phones or stopping access to money will do exactly that.
I went to a school were weed and drinking was rife - I remember trying weed at 15 and even drinking during school hours. But as an at adult and 52 - I have still never even tried pills or cocaine and I don’t drink and never really have. I am not saying it’s ok but weed is legal in many countries. You need to keep the channel of communication open with him so he knows if he ever has a problem that he won’t get into trouble if he tells you about it.

Thanks so much, Mummy, that’s really helpful & clear.

I’m going over in my mind all the times He did this or that and whether it was related, but I think maybe he got it at a party where there were some kids I don’t know. He’s told me before that the party-thrower kid has used weed & I must admit my gut instinct about that party was worth about drugs/alcohol.

I will let him tell me. Ok won’t stop the picket money just yet but I do need him to tell me. Hopefully it really was a one-off. I need to sort out my anxiety over this.

When I was a teen and in my 20s, it was around a lot and I certainly joined in, however, I never bought it. I think that is what made it never become a habit or a problem for me. If preventing him doing it altogether isnt possible then that could be a place to draw the line.

Let him explain and most importantly listen to him.

It's possible he is holding it for a friend, much more likely it is for his own use but let him tell you.

Thank you for this. It is a moral issue but I agree that going in all guns ablazing from this isn’t going to help matters. You’re right, we need to keep channels of communication open & also a sense of perspective. it’s a delicate balance.

Fwiw in the past when it was alcohol, I was very open & he has told me everything (I think) since. We have a good relationship on the whole.

Blimey I agree you should talk to him
but some of these responses are extreme. Are there any teen boys that do not smoke weed these days? I grew up with kids who parents openly let them smoke it at home rather than the sneaky hiding. All grown up to be now decent human beings with good jobs. No longer hanging out in their parents attic rooms smoking!

I’ve just been through all this with my ds and learnt a lot. It may start with weed but it can escalate-hopefully not.

I called the people at ‘talk to frank’ and they were honest and helpful about what to do. They said it was best not to tell the school, so at first i didn’t. I didn’t take his phone or lock him on his room etc-although i wanted to.
Eventually the school found drugs on him & called the police and he was excluded for a few days and during that time I made him work for a charity, so he wasn’t thinking of it as time off.

Things got a lot worse before they got better.

He got all his drugs from dealers on snap chat.

With persistence, advice from wherever we could get it, camhs, drs, friends etc, he is now a different person.

All the best op.

HI OP,

I can come as a shock, can't it, but please try not to overreact if you can.

Weed is massively prevalent amongst teens now. Many of them smoke it rather than drink. It's at festivals, any events they go to. Obviously the industry of criminality it supports is awful, but in my opinion and experience, it's a rite of passage for many teens, especially boys, and is in most cases around here, a phase.

I've been through it with my own when they were 16. It was a shock, but I calmed down. It was better to have it out in the open rather than push it underground.

I did actually phone the 'Frank' helpline which was really great, practical and supportive.

All DSs circle did it at the time.
They are older now, all drive and work, and no longer smoke it. They do drink massively when they're out which is another thing, but there you go.

Good luck. I remember it well and I'm glad it's over x

I have lived with the results of early drug use by my sons for 25 years now, my younger son although not as deeply into it, died at 26 after leaving university with a first class honours degree, his mental health was badly affected by weed.
My older son was addicted to heroin at 20, and lost 8 years of his life to it. He still struggles with addiction, alcohol and drugs at 46. He has 2 lovely children and a partner who still cares about him although she and the children live separately from him.
He lives with me, so that he has somewhere decent to bring the children and is supervised so that the children, now 14 and 12 are protected.
Both my sons were well behaved as children, had no problems at school and did well academically, up to 18 for the oldest and into his 20s for the youngest.
Op is anxious and so she should be, those saying do not listen to scaremongering, should see my life at 73, still having to worry about my remaining son, as although he has a job and is doing his best, he has frequent breakdowns in mental health, for which there is little help, and always the worry of a relapse into addiction, which never goes away.
I have no real advice except to take it seriously, and yes, warn the other parents, get all the help you can and be aware and vigilant!

I think some people are more predisposed for drugs to have a negative impact on them than others - as is the lottery of life. For example, those with an addictive personality. In my opinion it is largely a genetic lottery although of course societal differences are hugely impactful as well.
But in more cases then not it will not amount to anything serious - kids experiment and go on to have a successful and fulfilling life. I do think a big part of that is instilling values and expectations as parents, so you're right to act on it. But don't over dramatise the situation. It doesn't mean he isn't a good kid.

Thank you. I’m feeling hugely better, really serious thanks.

I will try not to overreact. He’s bound to dabble. I’ve told him about the risks (we have addiction in family) and about the stories, etc. Hopefully it is one of those teenage things that will blow over. I can only treat it like that unless there is evidence that it’s something bigger. My hunch is that this is one of the first times, but maybe he has considered dabbling during other school holidays.

I’m so sorry queenmab. Wishing you & your son strength. I wish our boys could hear some of these stories sometimes. It really is a lottery sometimes & I don’t think they understand.

I really feel for you, @queenMab99.
That is a very sad situation for you x

Depending what he says who is involved, where the drugs came from, I'd be very cautious about telling the school at this point.
As a boarder he's presumably at a private school that would need to be seen to have an ultra hard line against drugs. Knowing what you tell them they may have to expel him, even if it's others who are the real ring leaders and dealers. Being expelled at this age would be disastrous for GCSEs and his future and he would no doubt end up in another school where there will also be weed dealing and worse. It's in every school in the country.

Listen to him. Find out if you can who else is involved (probably all his main friendship group) and talk strategies with him to avoid etting more involves without losing face and friends (because that will be what matters to him much more than scare stories and punishments).

And get his father inside if at all possible.

Good luck.

I am sorry my view upsets so many,but the "softly softly" approach will not work.Illegal drugs are the scourge of modern society,causing many other crimes in order that users can fund their use.
We cannot have half the population under the influence of drugs,it will corrupt the nation.We have to catch,prosecute and lock up (for a long time) and confiscate the proceeds anyone supplying drugs.Even those "middle class" weekend users need to be prosecuted as without the demand there would be no supply.

Honestly, this is not even something I'd worry about! Weed really isn't this terrible, awful, scary drug. Crack cocaine, yes. But weed? All it does it make you giggle. It really isn't the end of the world and it's much less dangerous than alcohol, but that's legal (and taxable).

Are you unaware of the impact it can have on mental health? I know someone who was hospitalised with psychosis from using cannabis.

@HellonHeels I'm aware of a link, although I'm also aware of links between cars and road traffic accidents, and alcohol and alcoholism. Hasn't stopped me using either and wouldn't stop me giving my kids driving lessons.