Baby stopped breathing, home alone and dp with him

[theotherfossilsister]

More a handhold thread than anything.

On Friday morning our premature baby stopped breathing when he was on my breast. He was blue and limp. I thought I'd suffocated him although later hospital said choking and silent reflux. Dp resucitated while I was on phone to ambulance. He wasn't breathing for three minutes and I thought the worst.

I was with him last night and dp is with him tonight and I'm alone, trying to take dp's advice to look after myself but feeling like a terrible mother.

He had coughed up blood five days earlier after feeding but the HV kept saying it had come from my nipple, and I tried to insist but didn't do it hard enough so they didn't take it seriously then and then he had the hypoxia.

He's very underweight (iugr and prem) and the most perfect baby in the world. I'm really struggling with motherhood anyway and I feel like a horrible clumsy idiot who harmed my perfect baby and cannot look after him.

He was literally blue and limp and I can't stop playing it. He had been still on the breast for a minute but I thought he was asleep.

Hospital are monitoring and tomorrow I am seeing their breastfeeding person as I've said I'm not confident breastfeeding any more. His oxygen sats actually dipped a bit when I put him to the breast in the hospital and I freaked out and couldn't do it.

Trying to care for me so I can care for him but just want to cry and cry. He's such a perfect baby and I don't deserve him.

I literally just put 120 ml expressed BM in a taxi as DP told me to take night off but now I want to cry and cry.

Hi op, I'm so sorry this happened. It sounds beyond terrifying. I'm not surprised you feel like crying and crying after something so traumatic. It doesn't sound at all like you did anything wrong and you obviously care very deeply and are doing everything you can to support your baby. Sending a big hand hold. I don't have any specific advice but just to say you sound like a fantastic mum who is doing all the right things and that maybe a really good cry about it might help a tiny bit - would definitely be perfectly reasonable and understandable. Do you have some support? Family, friends, dp? 💐

Also the hospital keep telling me to not give up bf but I just feel really unsafe doing it. I don't think I can unless I pull him off every minute to check he's not blue

Oh sweetheart
Handhold from me xxx

Goodness how absolutely awful and terrifying for you. I don't have any advice but know this wasn't your fault...I really hope your baby recovers well and this is all just an awful memory soon.

Thank you so much @flowerexpress

We have friends but have leant on them a lot lately. I also have support from social work and Homestart as I'm autistic. I might call my sw but I don't think she can really put more support in place.

My partner's parents are here but his dad has terminal cancer so can't go stay with them, even though they offered as they're lovely. My mother lives in France and stayed for a week as we got out of hospital

I think it's totally understandable to feel this way after such a scary experience. Can you maybe say that's what you're worried about to the bf team when you see them? They might be able to reassure you or make other suggestions. I really hope they're understanding about what a traumatic experience you've just had op. Big hugs.

I'm so sorry this happened op. You didn't do this to him. It was not your fault. My dc were prem and we were told how common this is for preemies when they go home. we had to watch a video about how to resus them before we were allowed to take them home. I lived in fear for months. Your darling baby is in the right place to get the help he needs and you are a fantastic mum - don't ever doubt that. You did everything right , you got him help.

If you don't feel comfortable breastfeeding, don't be forced into it by the staff. Formula wont hurt him and you can then take breastfeeding at your pace while knowing he's being fed.

Can you pump instead? I'm all for breastfeeding but not when its terrifying you. Its incredibly hard to establish breastfeeding with a premie - much harder than with a big robust full term baby, and even with a full term baby its pretty tricky with your first baby (worth it mainly because once you get the hang of it it's easier and more practical than preparing formula, but that really isn't your priority!).

What you're going through is incredibly hard and not your fault - you're doing your best in a very difficult situation and obviously care desperately - that makes you a good mother.

Have a shower then put clean, comfortable clothing on a series/ film on TV - if you go to bed to sleep your mind will keep buzzing but maybe you can drift off on the sofa. Your baby needs you to look after yourself tonight while his dad does night shift, so you can be there for him tomorrow.

Oh you poor thing, that must have been so incredibly frightening.

A friend of mine had the exact same thing happen with her prem IUGR daughter during breastfeeding. She was completely fine after being checked out at the hospital and is now an absolutely wild, feral, magnificent 6 year old, completely full of life.

Be patient with yourself, you've been through something very traumatic and terrifying and it's been compounded by it happening to your tiny precious baby who was already more fragile than a full term newborn

Oh OP, that must have been very scary. Hand holding.

Feed your baby how you feel most comfortable - do you feel comfortable to express and give breastmilk by bottle so he gets the benefit but you’ve not got the worry of him being at the breast?

Your mental health is equally important as your baby’s health, don’t forget that.

Can your partner help you articulate your feeding wishes to the hospital staff if you’re struggling?

That sounds like really difficult circumstances especially if you're all dealing with your partner's dad being so ill as well. Maybe contacting your sw might be worth a go? They might be able to signpost to other services. I don't have much experience (we're ttc so don't have any children yet) but I've seen other mums talk about nhs mental health support when pregnant and after having baby (if you're in the UK). Could you maybe ask about that if you feel it might help? I think if I'd been through something that frightening I'd need to process that and talk it through in counselling or something but I realise that might not be the right fit for everyone x

Oh gosh that is very traumatic.

Breast milk is obviously the best thing for a premature baby, HOWEVER if it's causing you understandable fear then don't be pushed into carrying on. Although I would say it's absolutely not your fault what happened I can completely understand why you feel the way you do.

Perhaps the happy medium is expressing into a bottle, that way your baby would be getting it's liquid gold, and your mental health wouldn't be taking a battering in order for that to happen.

Be kind to yourself. What you've experienced is nothing short of a nightmare. Anyone would be completely shaken up in those circumstances.

Having a prem baby can also be traumatic in itself (I had one he's now 10 years old). How many weeks was yours born at?

You are not bad for taking tonight off. You sound like you have a brilliant and capable husband. Your baby is being looked after. It's just as important you are rested because you will be no good to the little one of you fall apart.

It's ok to cry and break - I would say completely normal infact. You don't always have to be strong xxxx

Oh sweetheart that sounds terrifying. If you no longer feel able to BF don't do it. Great if you can express and bottle feed but if you can't that is still OK. Look after yourself.

Oh poor baby and poor mummy! Holding your hand. I'm all for breastfeeding but would it make you feel better to switch to formula?

Oh sweetheart, you didn’t do anything wrong I promise.

I’m also on the autistic spectrum, I’m still bf’ing my 3.5year old (she loves booby and won’t stop) but if you don’t feel confident anymore with BF then absolutely move onto formula and don’t let anyone pressure you into it.

Your mental health is so important as well and I can imagine that after such a trauma you’d never relax again when bf’ing which can be hours at a time when they’re cluster feeding. If YOU want to continue for you then absolutely pursue that with trauma counselling.

Huge, huge amounts of love.

The National Breastfeeding Helpline are really good. They might be able to offer you some advice and support about breastfeeding when you've experienced something so traumatic.

They're open from 9:30am to 9:30pm 7 days a week.

You can call them on 0300 100 0212

Or they do webchat which is linked here:

www.nationalbreastfeedinghelpline.org.uk/get-in-touch/

If you feel unsafe breastfeeding, express what you can and mix with formula. Its easier to monitor a bottle fed baby. Whats more important is that you feel safer and feel your baby is safer. Your peace of mind is more important than what you feed your baby.

How scary for you - I had prem babies too and this happened to one of mine. You’re doing so well, I wonder if it is worth contacting the charity Bliss for some support? They might have some advice for you. Take it slowly and be gentle with yourself and do what feels right for you.

My son stopped breathing when he was a baby and we also had to make a 999 call and resuscitate so I understand how scary it is. I’m sorry this happened to you but glad he seems to be ok.

if you can afford it try the owlet baby monitor. I use it with my newborn and you can monitor their heart rate and oxygen sats on an app on your phone. I think for some people devices like this just feed anxiety and in other circumstances I wouldn’t use one but it really helps with my anxiety. Before I got it I was basically constantly poking her and waking her up.

As for the breastfeeding, it isn’t what caused it and it absolutely isn’t your fault. Babies are designed to be able to breathe and feed at the breast at the same time. I imagine the issue is to do with him being so tiny. However do whatever makes you feel less stressed. It’s absolutely fine to give your baby formula. Expressing and bottle feeding is an option - it’s a lot of work )but perhaps you’d only have to do it until he’s a bit bigger and able to latch better.)

I'm so sorry, OP. My friend's little boy was born was 28 weeks. She exclusively expressed and managed to breastfeed that way for a long time x

Thank you all. So many kind lovely replies. I think I will call the breastfeeding helpline tonight. I've also been expressing and feeding a combination of nutriprem and ebm but we've been doing a small breastfeed before most feeds as a way to get him used to it. The neonatal unit recommended it but only ten minutes because more tires him out.

I'll definitely ask about mental health support, thank you. I have a private counsellor but I feel awful and didn't sleep last night and just feel like I can't be a mother to my son. I think things like he'd be better off without me, with just his daddy.

Going to express soon and go to bed. I keep seeing him blue and limp, his perfect little body and face.

It is scary being a new mum, yet alone being a new mum to a premmie.

I had 2 early children, please contact Bliss for support, they will help you and there may also be support services at the hospital. You absolutely have done nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself, if you have someone to sit with you tonight call them, don't be alone with your thoughts. Try and sleep as much as you can as well, that will also help your mood.

Sending hugs, it's so hard when they are unwell

www.bliss.org.uk/parents/support

He was thirty five weeks but the weight of a thirty one week baby, a big boy in a little boy's body.

Don't make anyone make you feel preasured into doing anything. You decide what you're comfortable and best for you and baby ❤

I can't imagine how scary it was and I'm sorry you went through that.
You're a great mum and doing the best you possibly can. Try rest, easier said than done but he's in the best possible care atm with many people around looking after him.