Baby stopped breathing, home alone and dp with him

[theotherfossilsister]

More a handhold thread than anything.

On Friday morning our premature baby stopped breathing when he was on my breast. He was blue and limp. I thought I'd suffocated him although later hospital said choking and silent reflux. Dp resucitated while I was on phone to ambulance. He wasn't breathing for three minutes and I thought the worst.

I was with him last night and dp is with him tonight and I'm alone, trying to take dp's advice to look after myself but feeling like a terrible mother.

He had coughed up blood five days earlier after feeding but the HV kept saying it had come from my nipple, and I tried to insist but didn't do it hard enough so they didn't take it seriously then and then he had the hypoxia.

He's very underweight (iugr and prem) and the most perfect baby in the world. I'm really struggling with motherhood anyway and I feel like a horrible clumsy idiot who harmed my perfect baby and cannot look after him.

He was literally blue and limp and I can't stop playing it. He had been still on the breast for a minute but I thought he was asleep.

Hospital are monitoring and tomorrow I am seeing their breastfeeding person as I've said I'm not confident breastfeeding any more. His oxygen sats actually dipped a bit when I put him to the breast in the hospital and I freaked out and couldn't do it.

Trying to care for me so I can care for him but just want to cry and cry. He's such a perfect baby and I don't deserve him.

You are the best mother for him, and the only one he could ever want or need. None of this was your fault, and there was nothing you could do to prevent it.

You are the place he feels safest, when he is with you he is home. You will always be his safe haven.

You're his mum. Of course he wouldn't be better off without you. The first thing he knew was the sound of your heartbeat. Before he was ever born, he knew your voice, the music you liked to hear. He knows your touch, and your smell. He doesn't really know where he ends and you begin. You are the world to him.

Hi @theotherfossilsister , huge hand hold. I commented on your IUGR thread (though maybe another username). But a similar thing happened to our IUGR baby. She just went limp and floppy overnight - i set an alarm for a feed, and so happened to be awake. 999 talked us through CPR (although we had done a baby first aid course) but opening up her airway got her breathing again. It was the scariest thing that ever happened to me - scarier than when she was whisked to NICU after her birth😚

@theotherfossilsister

Sorry hit send too soon.

They kept her 2 nights for monitoring but couldn't find out why it happened. She had only been home and out of SCBU for 36hrs when happened. In the end, they called it an "epsiode of vacancy". She also had reflux - i suspect some vomit was blocking her airway that cleared when we did the rescue breaths. It never happened again and she has gone on to thrive.

You have been through so much - please don't lose confidence. You are an amazing mum and your boy loves you so much. This happens to tiny poorly babies like ours. I hope he makes a super speedy recovery and goes on to thrive.

If you want to carry on bf, then please speak to the specialist. But equally, it's completely ok to switch to formula if you want to.

Being prem and this incident would be stressful for anyone OP- not just someone with autism. You have been doing a great job and this isn't your fault!

You said your DH resuscitated. Has he had training in paediatric/neonatal resus? Have you ever done a course yourself? Some people find it reassuring to have some knowledge to know what to do in cases of resus, chocking, first aid etc. I'm aware not everyone feels able to attend such courses, but some people feel more confident with the added knowledge that they can help their child or others, till professional help arrives.

Don't forget to look after yourself OP and talk about the incident if you want to. Things like this can be like an over inflated tyre. By talking about it, you are releasing some of that pressure and eventually things should settle. If not though, do reach out to the professionals for support. x

Totally understandable. Ask for help, all the help you can get. The NiCU breastfeeding team should be able to help you.

Remember, you did save him. You did what he needed. You must be feeling horrendous, but in that moment when he needed you, you and your DH saved him.

Thinking of you 💐

Sending you lots of love OP. Sounds like you and your partner did an amazing job taking care of him. It must have been so frightening.

Could you ask your GP or midwife for a referral to the perinatal mental health team? You’ve been through something really traumatic and they might be able to help. All the best to you and your family.

Expressing and using a bottle or formulae is absolutely fine if it helps you to cope and reduces babies risk of hypoxia. I'm afraid nurses etc tend to brainwash for breastfeeding when it's not always in the best interests of the baby/mother.

Oh one other thing that occurred to me -our baby's NNU had a psychologist that parents could talk to (i actually found her to be useless but I'm sure they aren't all like that). It might be worth looking into whether your hospital has a similar service.

...you also probably also have some ptsd from the trauma. I know I would. 🤗

You could be describing my DS.

I spent the year after his birth hating myself for failing to grow him properly, measuring him three times a day, weeping every weighing day and too scared to leave him. The febrile convulsion where he stopped breathing and had to be rushed to hospital didn't help.

He is now a very solid preteen who's been robustly healthy since 6 months old and is super bright and ridiculously funny.

He caught up. Your ds will, too.

Try not to blame yourself (I know how hard it is not to) - you got him as far as he needed. Whether breast or bottle, he'll get what he needs.

I stuck with bf because I had some very good advice from a lactation expert, but honestly I think whatever gives you both the least stress is the best option here.

My heart goes out to you - it's so hard and lonely but I promise it gets better.💕

Just wanted to give you a hug.
I also think staying at your parents-in-law, even for a few days, is not the worst idea. I know you said you cannot, because of fil's cancer, but they would not have offered if they didn't mean it. I do hope you are okay

There's so much pressure to breast feed. Surely if he's formula fed and you feel happier doing it then as long as he's getting what he needs it's better. You sound exhausted OP and so understandibly feeling a bit anxious about everything and not thinking straight? It's not your fault. Try to get some rest. Hope he's out of hospital soon x

How I wish the best for you, your partner and your baby. It’s absolutely heartbreaking you have to go through this. You can absolutely do what you feel best!

This isn’t your fault.
You did nothing wrong.
You don’t deserve this and you are a good mum.
Having a baby is tough, having a prem baby is tougher.
Sending hugs

Oh op, big hugs to you. My youngest was prem and had a blue do in hospital just before I brought him home. Most scariest thing ever. The nurses were used to it and just smacked him on his back. His little face broke my heart.

Hope you get sorted quickly with him 🌺

What an awful thing to happen, I'm so sorry. You know, you did the bf thing. You tried and you persevered, and you succeeded, and you deserve so many plaudits for that. But, if bf is making you miserable, stop. You have so much on your plate, that being bullied into bf when you're no longer happy to do it is ridiculous. We all know breast is best, but formula is NOT bad. A fed baby and a mother who isn't stressing about bf when she has so much more to worry about is best. Sending love and light and hoping you're home soon with a fit and healthy little boy xxx

I have no advice but I am sending you a hug.
you are not a bad mother and you’ve done nothing wrong. Please don’t blame yourself.

Hi Op I had a 30 weeker and we had issues with major sat drops/turning blue when trying to feed. It was terrifying so you have my utmost sympathy as it sounds like you have all had a rough time.
In the end, breast feeding was just too much for my DS and so I expressed for about 3 months and bottlefed then moved him onto nutriprem. He’s had nutriprem all the way through to 13 months and actually the nutrients in it help with brain development. Also being able to measure how much milk is being taken was really good for us because he had so much weight to gain.
it’s ok to stop breastfeeding for a while if that’s what you need. It’s also ok to give nutriprem/formula and he will still thrive. Happy Mum = Happy baby.
Don’t be hard on yourself. What you are living through is likely to be the hardest thing you ever do, be gentle on yourself and remember preemies do have breathing drops until they are beyond full term. They are not caused by you or your fault in any way. It is just that they don’t have fully grown lungs. Take care, try to rest and don’t be afraid to cry and let those emotions out. Bottling up how you feel will make everything worse longer term.

Oh what an awful shock for you.

It's okay to not be okay. You've had a rough ride. Have a really good cry, let it out then try and get some sleep.

As for breast feeding, it didn't work for my first. I felt like the worst mother in the world. Everyone told me he was feeding (when I didn't think I was producing any milk) but he kept losing weight until hospitalised. They gave him formula and it put him into such a deep sleep his set off all the heart monitors and I can still remember how useless I felt sat in the corner with the whole crash team in.
After that I switched to formula and he thrived, and he's now a healthy nine year old that pre covid had never had a day off sick

For my daughter I mixed fed and it was fine. I did produce milk with her but I wasn't going through it again.

What I'm trying to say is motherhood is not defined by how you feed. I don't have a different bond because they were fed differently.

If you don't want to try BF again that's fine. If you want to express some and keep the option that might be a good middle ground.
For a baby with extra needs learning to take some formula is probably wise so you can get a break or if baby needs to go into hospital again. Perhaps thinking in these terms will help.

I remember how important breast feeding felt when I was in hospital with mine and how much I despaired over it. Honestly they were wasted tears.

Your little one is still fighting. Your husband sounds amazing. It's going to be okay.

And when the shock subsides book on a baby first aid course to improve your confidence.

What a horrible traumatic shock you've had

Having thoughts like "I don't deserve him" and "he'd be better off without me" are massive red flags for PND, I urge you to talk to the health visitor or GP ASAP and they should refer you for postnatal mental health support. Also if you Google IAPT in your area you should be able to self-refer for that (CBT and perinatal women are fast tracked).

Please please reach out and tell a professional how you're feeling. You are his mother, you are more than enough for him, and he needs you. Do it for him if not for yourself.

You and your DP acted fast and saved your baby's life.

Just think about that. You saved him. I applaud you.

Hey OP, I had my baby at 34 weeks. Having a preemie baby is brutal, hard work and I can imagine you are feeling terrible - but please don't. You're a brilliant mummy and he's super lucky to have such wonderful parents.

Breast isn't best, making sure your baby has all the nutrition they need is what's important. It can be BF, combi fed or expressed BM. My little boy is now 9.5months and bloody massive! I had to give up breastfeeding due to low supply from retained placenta. He's full of smiles and can climb up into a standing position and working on cruising. It doesn't feel like it now, but he'll be ok and so will you.

Thinking of you x

The immense pressure from the NICU to express/breastfeed was a huge part of the PTSD i developed. They never made me feel like formula was an option until i had a full on sobbing breakdown next to my baby's cot because i couldn't do it. Your mental health is the absolute most vital thing here. Your brain telling you that your baby would be better off without you here is lying to you. Your baby needs you, you're his mummy. You feeling this way shows your MH is already very much affected. If you feel able to, can you tell someone you are feeling this way? Bliss is a good one to try if there's nobody in real life - they will have heard it before and their volunteers know how it feels to have a baby in SCBU/NICU. Mine went onto formula and they're now a great big beautiful 6 year old - honestly, breastmilk is not more important than your sanity. Its just not. Your baby will be fine on formula. You can still express if you want to try that - the hospital can probably lend you the kit if you want to. But you don't have to. Its your choice and whatever you decide is fine.

You are doing brilliantly. Please hold onto that. You didn't cause this, you didn't do anything to deserve it. It just happens and it's shit, but you'll be ok and one day this will be a distant memory, and it'll just be part of the story you tell your son about his early life.