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Original poster

Baby stopped breathing, home alone and dp with him

81 replies

theotherfossilsister · 20/08/2022 19:42

More a handhold thread than anything.

On Friday morning our premature baby stopped breathing when he was on my breast. He was blue and limp. I thought I'd suffocated him although later hospital said choking and silent reflux. Dp resucitated while I was on phone to ambulance. He wasn't breathing for three minutes and I thought the worst.

I was with him last night and dp is with him tonight and I'm alone, trying to take dp's advice to look after myself but feeling like a terrible mother.

He had coughed up blood five days earlier after feeding but the HV kept saying it had come from my nipple, and I tried to insist but didn't do it hard enough so they didn't take it seriously then and then he had the hypoxia.

He's very underweight (iugr and prem) and the most perfect baby in the world. I'm really struggling with motherhood anyway and I feel like a horrible clumsy idiot who harmed my perfect baby and cannot look after him.

He was literally blue and limp and I can't stop playing it. He had been still on the breast for a minute but I thought he was asleep.

Hospital are monitoring and tomorrow I am seeing their breastfeeding person as I've said I'm not confident breastfeeding any more. His oxygen sats actually dipped a bit when I put him to the breast in the hospital and I freaked out and couldn't do it.

Trying to care for me so I can care for him but just want to cry and cry. He's such a perfect baby and I don't deserve him.

OP posts:
BrightBlueFlamingo · 20/08/2022 22:14

It's stressful and awful but you are doing your very best,sending love❤

Mythreefavouritethings · 20/08/2022 22:15

Oh gosh, you poor thing, what a scary experience. You have probably long run out of hands, you’ll have been offered so many, but a handhold from me too. You do what feels comfortable, you’re a warrior and your little lad is too. All the best to you all there x

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 20/08/2022 22:16

Congratulations on your darling little boy xx

I'm quite surprised the hospital didn't prepare you for the probability of this happening.

it's scary no matter whether you're trained or not trained to deal with it, you both did exactly the right things & DS is fine.

there is NOTHING to feel bad about!! Nothing!! & of course he wWould not be better off without you, he needs his lovely mummy 💕

you're doing an amazing job feeding him as you are. It's only natural to find bf him a bit scary after what you've been through, but you make it less scary by touching his nose, ears toes & seeing him react to that.

obviously you could just express & bottle feed & he'd be perfectly fine, but if you can bf it's even better.

im sorry it happened and I'm sorry it's making you feel rubbish, but try to believe us when we say you are doing really well. He's a lucky boy to have you!!

hope you get some sleep xx

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W00p · 20/08/2022 22:22

This is a really horrible thing to have happened and I'm so sorry it happened to you. You need to cry in order to cope with this, just let it out, you will feel better eventually. You are not a bad Mum, this isn't your fault. Motherhood has taught me that anything can happen at any time and most of it is out of your control.

Your DP is right, you need to rest, DS is safe. I recommend expressing, you can buy an electric breast pump, if breastfeeding is otherwise going well for you both it would be a shame to stop now.

Good luck OP xxx

lamaze1 · 20/08/2022 22:23

Hi OP, I had my daughter last year at 24 weeks and understand how you feel.

Having a newborn can be brutal, but having a preemie really does add another layer of stress which is hard to explain unless you've experienced it.

My daughter used to have awful reflux and awful desats/Bradys so I'm always on alert. I'd really recommend an Owlet which monitors blood oxygen levels and heart rate via a little sock.

Whilst the professionals told me not to get it, and it isn't cheap I've found it absolutely invaluable as it gives me peace of mind. I only use it at night unless she is under the weather. It also alerted me on one occasion overnight when she actually had a desat and needed a bit of stimulation to come round. I dread to think what would have happened overnight.

It's good that you've recognised you need some support, but please don't beat yourself up.

Flubadubba · 20/08/2022 22:35

Ask for a referral to perinatal mental health. They tend to work fast and can support you. I had a similar incident when feeding my daughter (though slightly different in detail) that led to DC being admitted to NICU at 4hours old.

The best advice I can give is that your baby needs a happy, healthy mother. I developed a fear of (and strong aversion to) breast feeding, and associated mental health issues, so DC was fed via a mix of formula and pumped milk when I could. Whilst I would have loved to bf, the panic attacks it generated were severe. Whatever happens, you will do what is best for you and your baby.

As an aside, a number years on and DC is fabulous. Getting help to help cope with these kinds of situations is really, really beneficial as it means you have the headspace (and energy) to concentrate on what really matters, rather than replaying events.

Sending much love. X

goblinkinggoblinking · 20/08/2022 22:37

Nothing useful to add. Just sending love xx

October2020 · 20/08/2022 22:38

You don't need to breastfeed. Breastmilk is best but you can pump and bottle feed. It is okay to stop.

Prem parent anxiety is horrendous. I needed a lot of therapy after our various ambulance trips and hospital admissions. Push for support, you need it xx

Beepbeepenergy · 20/08/2022 23:02

💙

BronzeSage · 20/08/2022 23:14

You are doing really well feeding him and it's doing him a lot of good.

Sniffypete · 20/08/2022 23:27

theotherfossilsister · 20/08/2022 19:47

Also the hospital keep telling me to not give up bf but I just feel really unsafe doing it. I don't think I can unless I pull him off every minute to check he's not blue

Do not feel pressured into anything. Your baby, your choice. If you want to give the baby formula, do it.

Itwasntright · 21/08/2022 08:15

How are you feeling this morning op? ❤️

Original poster
theotherfossilsister · 21/08/2022 12:55

Thank you for all the amazing messages. I'm going to read through them all again, although read them before bed last night and felt less alone.

Baby is wonderful although started rooting for the breast the moment I arrived. Feel like a monster for not giving it to him. He's so perfect and beautiful.

OP posts:
Trainham · 21/08/2022 13:17

So sorry this has happened. Sadly many hospitals etc follow breast is best and want everyone to do it. However the bigger picture needs to be looked at and choices made on any given situation.if you feel breast feeding is contributing to your baby's issues switch to a bottle.follow your instincts not hospital practice .you have enough to deal with .
Also there are first aid courses for young babies or maybe health profession can give you a run through of cpr although it sounds like your dp did really well with this.bestvwishes for the future

Preemiemummy2 · 21/08/2022 13:41

Hi Op glad you are all ok today. He will soon move on if you decide to stop bf or reestablish if you decide to continue. Take your time and when you are ready you can make a choice. There is no hurry and mixed feeding is absolutely fine. Lots of cuddles today with your lovely little boy!

MDevane86 · 21/08/2022 14:57

No, you are not a monster. Its all still a bit too raw at the moment. You can try again when you are ready, or decide to feed him another way. NICUs do tend to really push breastfeeding and tell you it's best, its not. What's important is the cuddles, snuggles, playtime and feeding them when hungry and using formula is fine.

I formula fed my preemie baby from 12 weeks and he's a thriving, smiley, bouncey baby.

Thinking of you and pleased your little boy is feeling better x

dressingonaweekend · 21/08/2022 15:01

Please please stop being so hard on yourself.
That sounds like a terrifying situation and any parents worst nightmare. You are not at fault for that happening.
Please don't give yourself such a hard time.
Have you been offered any therapeutic support? It sounds like it was very traumatic and maybe talking therapy will help.

dressingonaweekend · 21/08/2022 15:04

On addition to this - I'm also autistic. And do have regular therapy (I do get quite anxious about baby who is now 6 weeks old).
I express milk. I probably express every 4-5 hours and then feed with bottle. Baby has tongue tie do breast feeding was difficult. Could that also be an option if it will help with your anxiety?

dressingonaweekend · 21/08/2022 15:05

Sorry! I've only just read your post that you do have a counsellor already. X

Suzi888 · 21/08/2022 15:06

That must have been terrifying, but not your fault at all. Are you able to arrange a mirror so that you can see your baby’s face whilst feeding…. not sure it would work - just a thought.

I bottle fed my little one, had no milk- just do what you feel comfortable doing, that causes the least stress. Take care of yourself💐.

lamaze1 · 21/08/2022 15:21

Hi @theotherfossilsister you're not a monster. Despite my efforts my milk never came and I felt awful when baby was rooting. Having had it drummed into me that my milk had the antibodies my daughter needed and the fact she was rooting I felt devastated at the time and as though I really let her down. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though. She was fine with bottles of formula. And would have been fine with breast milk too. Cut yourself some slack. You'll have better days and I hope your little one is home soon. X

Itwasntright · 21/08/2022 18:13

Baby is wonderful although started rooting for the breast the moment I arrived. Feel like a monster for not giving it to him. He's so perfect and beautiful

You're not a monster op. Babies root as communication that they are hungry - he's just saying give me food! That can be from a bottle as well, he will be just as happy with that!

I hope you're doing ok op. Please tell someone how you feel in real life if you're having any more thoughts about feeling like your baby will be better off without you. I know your baby rooting has upset you but... He knows who you are and he loves you.

daretodenim · 21/08/2022 18:16

OP you've just lived through what is every parents (second) worst nightmare. It's horrific to even imagine. Cry all the time if you need to, nothing wrong with getting it all out!

My DS was going to be breastfed but it turned out that due to previous surgery I'd had that it wasn't really possible. I refused to believe that formula was ok until a La Leche League BF consultant told me I had to give him formula. I was worried I wasn't giving him the best nutrition and being a bad mum. She kind of brutally set me straight on that. Was a shock but I immediately felt that I wasn't failing. DS is now a strapping, sporty, kind, clever 11 year old.

I then had a DD and same story and she's now also strong, sporty, kind and clever.

Breast is natural and ideal, usually. Formula has an important place and is not bad. At all. Please don't worry for a second if you have to switch or mix. What your baby needs is food and love. Sounds like he's got some amazing parents, so he's a lucky boy.

holdinghands123 · 21/08/2022 19:34

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ncedforthisquestion · 21/08/2022 19:57

You are doing such a great job, honestly. Parenting preemies with IUGR is so, so nerve-racking. Keep on trusting your own gut and judgement, whether it comes to his health or his feeding. You know your baby and his strengths and limitations best. You know when something is out of the ordinary, or he struggles. Wishing you and your family so much good luck (from a fellow IUGR preemie mum)

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