Baby stopped breathing, home alone and dp with him

[theotherfossilsister]

More a handhold thread than anything.

On Friday morning our premature baby stopped breathing when he was on my breast. He was blue and limp. I thought I'd suffocated him although later hospital said choking and silent reflux. Dp resucitated while I was on phone to ambulance. He wasn't breathing for three minutes and I thought the worst.

I was with him last night and dp is with him tonight and I'm alone, trying to take dp's advice to look after myself but feeling like a terrible mother.

He had coughed up blood five days earlier after feeding but the HV kept saying it had come from my nipple, and I tried to insist but didn't do it hard enough so they didn't take it seriously then and then he had the hypoxia.

He's very underweight (iugr and prem) and the most perfect baby in the world. I'm really struggling with motherhood anyway and I feel like a horrible clumsy idiot who harmed my perfect baby and cannot look after him.

He was literally blue and limp and I can't stop playing it. He had been still on the breast for a minute but I thought he was asleep.

Hospital are monitoring and tomorrow I am seeing their breastfeeding person as I've said I'm not confident breastfeeding any more. His oxygen sats actually dipped a bit when I put him to the breast in the hospital and I freaked out and couldn't do it.

Trying to care for me so I can care for him but just want to cry and cry. He's such a perfect baby and I don't deserve him.

Oh sweetheart how scary for you and your DP —- and well done to him for resuscitating your little boy.
Having a prem baby is very stressful, we had one in the family.
You need time to process what has happened, that’s why you keep re-seeing it. It will fade and fade with time. Tell yourself it happened and your baby is fine.
I recognise the name of the formula you mentioned, my daughter used this with expressed milk and then went on to use formula only. Dgc is now a big strapping child with an abundance of energy.
Lean on everyone you can — they won’t mind, I think where a baby is concerned people are happy to help. Look after yourself. 💐

Hon the hospital will always try to talk you into breastfeeding. I've been where you are and I remember the terror well. You're constantly on red alert and it's a lond period of prolonged stress so you must do whatever you can to look after yourself.

There' were some upsetting incidents with mine but he came through them and I'm sure yours will too. Do what is least stressful to you right now, the calmer you are the better it'll be for you and your baby. If that means moving to bottle then do it or stick with the BF but make sure it's your decision, you know what's best for you and they'll be what's best for baby.

No-one who hasn't been there with a very underweight, prem, reflux baby (mine came at 27 weeks at 600g) can understand the pressure. I did 6 weeks of BF (well expressing as too little to BF) and considered that a major achievement. You've got a bit of a journey still ahead of you, none of this is your fault and I have no doubt you're doing brilliantly under the most difficult of circumstances. Give yourself a break! Xxx💐

We got out of hospital. They offered to keep us longer to build up my confidence but also made it clear that there was n longer a clinical need for Thomas to be there so we decided to go home. Keep worrying I made the wrong decision.

All your messages are lovely and I read them again and again through the long hospital nights. The staff were lovely and heroes but I hate hospital.

It sounds like home is the best place for both of you to be. In time this fear and pain will dull until it's just a horrible memory, until then be patient and kind to yourself. You are the best mother for your baby, you are everything to him

Hi op I’m so pleased to hear you are both home. If there is no clinical need then DS will recover better in your home environment but scary for you. Just keep doing what you are doing, you are being really brave just as Mummy’s should be. Remember the medics are available if you need them, when I left SCBU the neonatal nurses told me to never feel like a precious first time mum with a prem baby. If I thought something was wrong I should always go and check. So keep that in your mind and if anything feels wrong or off with DS, go and get it checked.
This will all pass and you are doing a wonderful job. We are here if you want to talk.

You're an amazing mum. You've been through hell and you still have the biggest heart for your baby. Chin up, you got this xx