22 years ago my dh spat at my brother friend, and I still feel feel so ashamed and upset about it and can’t get past it

[Feelingunsettledmum]

So me and dh had just bought a house
my brothers invited him out with them as a sort of welcome to the family drink

however I’m not sure how genuinely friendly they were actually being to him
could have been a bit of brothers being a bit over protective kinda thing going on

when I had finished work and went to collect dh on way home
They had all seemed to had quite a few drinks

one of my brothers friends was trying to be really flirty with me
at one point my brothers mate kissed my hand or tried to……

then dh spat him

missed and it went on the other friends shoe!
i was embarrassed upset and left dh followed
he was boyfriend then
they didn’t come chasing after or anything and nothing was particular said about it from them to him after

tbh if I hadn’t had just bought a house with dh I think I would have finished with him

but all these years later I feel so embarrassed about it

22 years. Yes disgusting but get over it.

As someone currently in therapy for childhood issues I am starting to understand how it all effects current life, and events like this all wrapped up in shame can definitely be worked on with a professional (providing you find a therapist that is a good fit for you).

I went through the nhs at first but they could only offer things like CBT which isn’t so helpful for past issues so I found my own private psychotherapist (which is very expensive, but I see it as an investment).

It is open ended and on my terms, so we deal with and discuss things from back then, things coming up presently, and everything in between, whether I think they are related or not.
Memories that keep popping up that take up to much reoccurring brain space (like you currently with the spitting memory) are thought about together, with an impartial very safe person that can link things and give different perspectives.

I will say with this type of psychodynamic therapy things do seem to get worse before they start to get better, as in, your protective walls need to be broken down to get to the real issues inside (especially with childhood trauma) and then together with your therapist you can start to build yourself back up again with better coping mechanisms and ways of stopping the intrusive thoughts.

Short term NHS mental health talking therapies may be able to help you stop ruminating about this memory and given it headspace it doesn’t deserve, but it may not help with any underlying causes etc.

Best of luck OP, do something positive for yourself.

OP, ignore the posters telling you to calm down, move on, get over it - fortunately for them they obviously have no understanding about the effects of childhood trauma. Yes, this is what a person would normally do. But childhood trauma changes the structure and chemistry of your brain and through no fault of your own, is causing distressing intrusive memories. I promise you, this can get better, and no, the information can't be used against you by your employers.

Yes I do think you've had a massive over reaction. Also, why are YOU feeling bad? You are not responsible for his behaviour. It was his choice and his alone to behave that way. Why should you take on any "shame" for what another adult did? You can be disgusted etc but shame? I just don't understand this mentality that you are somehow responsible.