22 years ago my dh spat at my brother friend, and I still feel feel so ashamed and upset about it and can’t get past it

[Feelingunsettledmum]

So me and dh had just bought a house
my brothers invited him out with them as a sort of welcome to the family drink

however I’m not sure how genuinely friendly they were actually being to him
could have been a bit of brothers being a bit over protective kinda thing going on

when I had finished work and went to collect dh on way home
They had all seemed to had quite a few drinks

one of my brothers friends was trying to be really flirty with me
at one point my brothers mate kissed my hand or tried to……

then dh spat him

missed and it went on the other friends shoe!
i was embarrassed upset and left dh followed
he was boyfriend then
they didn’t come chasing after or anything and nothing was particular said about it from them to him after

tbh if I hadn’t had just bought a house with dh I think I would have finished with him

but all these years later I feel so embarrassed about it

I think you need some professional help. This is extremely destructive and it is incredibly unkind of you to bring this up to your dh all these years later. He is right "what are you trying to do to him?"serioulsy? It is unfair of you to so. Your family is getting on now. Things are good. Unless you are unsure of your marriage and you are using this ONE minor thing that happend 100 years ago as a red herring. In which case you are gaslighting your dh.

Maybe some sort of Counselling could help me
but I m scared it might mess me up more

😰😰I really do hope I’m not doing that to dh

I did really upset him bringing it up with him

It sounds more like an intrusive thought that's been associated with a real memory.

If this feels right, and you want to surmount this, you could try CBT? Get a referral from your GP and in the meantime (it's a long wait) do some CBT workbooks on intrusive thoughts, eg

www.hpft.nhs.uk/media/1655/wellbeing-team-cbt-workshop-booklet-2016.pdf

Thank you mojo i will look into this

last thing I want to do is hurt anyone
myslef included
i don’t want to feel this way
22 years later

I mean it was 22 years ago if that was me it would have ended then spitting is just awful but you obviously don't deem it that bad as you've stayed with him

I can feel my Pulse right down my fingers
and my heart is racing
i do feel like I need to do something

but I’m also going through fairly stressful l time with other things like building work etc
so maybe once that’s finished
I’ll calm down a lot

I did Deem it really bad but we had just bought a house together
if we hadn’t had just bought a house I think I would have probably split with him
then
so maybe I feel guilty that I didnt

but we do have children now too

I think you are more upset that your brother may not like your DH, not that he did something stupid and disgusting 22 years ago.

It sounds like this is all tangled up with your difficult childhood and the role your brothers played in your early life. I think therapy would be useful.

OP, obviously impossible to diagnose over the internet but this could be a symptom of C-PTSD from childhood trauma. This rewires your threat response and interferes with the processing of traumatic memories so people react them as 'now' events rather than 'past' events. I'm going to guess that you've previously ruminated on other events to a distressing degree? This is not about the spitting. Have a read up about C-PTSD and trauma, it really sounds like you need some therapy. Best of luck x

Why are you letting this memory live rent free in your brain for 22 years? People get less for manslaughter fgs.

What an odd reaction in that situation to spit, I'd have understood a punch,but to spit is really weird.

I'm going against the posters here dismissing it,I think you're focusing on it as it's indicative of things not being right in the relationship and you said yourself you'd have probably left if you hadn't just bought a house.

I honestly wish I could just flick and switch and forget it and forget all the childhood abuse and trauma too
if I could i would

i also now feel more guilty abut bringing it up recently with dh

perhaps I’d feel the same if I bought it up with my brother
he also might think I’m nuts

i guess one very good thing is both those two friends of my brothers are both well off the scene now
so we don’t have to see them
as one of them was frosty and a bit off and unfriendly my towards dh for quite a few years after

but then brother and that friend fell out over something else entirely

i honestly feel like such a fuck up mess right now
but I do want to improve

This was a vary minor incident. Drunk 21 year old men do stupid things —- no one died, no one was seriously hurt. It was a bit of saliva.
I think maybe there are other, more serious unresolved issues from your childhood and you’re replacing them with this —- not processing the more serious things because they’re too painful but worrying about this really trivial matter instead. Could you talk to your GP about counselling? I think you need to work through the more serious issues in your past.

I think I need to get some help
and I will seek it out
no water what hit one thing worries me
having it say on my medical records that I have mental health issues like I don’t know what this is
seems to fit more into anxiety that anything else
although maybe I’m depressed too?

but I worry it could hamper my future prospects with work and jobs etc

Or be used against me in some way

sorry you feel sick that he spat at someone trying to get off with girlfriend? I think something else is going on here, no one is that strange surely. Get over it, It was a non event, drunk guys do stupid shit but Spitting on someone isnt killing them, calm down.

im going to be honest, you need the mental health team. Its not healthy to keep this going, something is obviously very wrong if you have been reacting like this for 22 years

I think it’s really mean for you to be projecting your unreasonable anxiety about a really minor situation that happened 22 years ago onto your husband. Imagine if he kept bringing up something minor you did that long ago and punishing you for it. No wonder he gets upset. This isn’t something for him and your brother to work out or ‘clear the air’. This is your problem with yourself that you need to sort out.

And then to be only worried about having mental health issues on your medical record be used against you in some way, is quite selfish. You clearly need help, you’ve stated that yourself so you should be far more concerned with getting the help you need that worried about how medical records can be used against you - which they can’t.

Employers don't have access to your medical records, they are confidential. It cannot be held against you. It really sounds like there's a lot you haven't dealt with. Going to counselling will be tough having to discuss those painful memories but it sounds like you need to go through that. If you have cbt they can help you change your thought processes.

I don’t keep being it up with him
but I did recently
i just wanted him to know what was going on in my mind

but I won’t be bringing it up with him again as he is remorseful it’s not like he was trying to justify it
even tho my brothers friend was being out of order

and he’s ever spat again
he probably was just a daft 21 year old drunk that did something horrible

I do agree I need help as it’s affecting my physically
like heart racing feeling. Sick
can’t be good for the body to be under pressure like
that

amd I will seek out the hell
just because I’m scared it can be used against me
doenst mean I won’t seek help

and i do sincerely thank you all for even just listening to me
and bearding what time trying to say
sk thanks again for your time
and thanks for trying to help a fuck up like me

You definitely need some help to unpack the damage your abusive childhood has done to you.

But I am also concerned that your brother sees something in your husband or your relationship which him concerns him for your happiness. Woman who have been abused often unwittingly also pick abusers to be their partners, and it takes a long time and counselling to get them to see that their relationship fits this pattern.

Before you start with a counsellor, try to step back and have a good, objective look at your husband and how he treats you. Does he contribute equally to the running of the family? Is he always respectful of you, and considerate? Do you ever alter or moderate your behaviour to avoid annoying or upsetting him? All things to have at the back of your mind in therapy.

I wouldn't say you were Mad, OP, at all
Perhaps somewhat obsessive over it all ?
It was 22 Years ago .
Move On

I think you should see your GP about some talking therapy OP. This incident doesn’t matter at all, but something is causing this melancholy.