22 years ago my dh spat at my brother friend, and I still feel feel so ashamed and upset about it and can’t get past it

[Feelingunsettledmum]

So me and dh had just bought a house
my brothers invited him out with them as a sort of welcome to the family drink

however I’m not sure how genuinely friendly they were actually being to him
could have been a bit of brothers being a bit over protective kinda thing going on

when I had finished work and went to collect dh on way home
They had all seemed to had quite a few drinks

one of my brothers friends was trying to be really flirty with me
at one point my brothers mate kissed my hand or tried to……

then dh spat him

missed and it went on the other friends shoe!
i was embarrassed upset and left dh followed
he was boyfriend then
they didn’t come chasing after or anything and nothing was particular said about it from them to him after

tbh if I hadn’t had just bought a house with dh I think I would have finished with him

but all these years later I feel so embarrassed about it

Every time you start thinking about the incident, think of the memory as something you could switch off, like a TV show. The memory comes up, change the channel in your head, change it to a list of things you are grateful for, or what you are going to have for dinner. I like to play whack-a-mole with intrusive thoughts.

Very good question

well I think I’d still be struggling a bit as there’s alot of stressful things going in atm
but some of those should be resolving. Soon like building work etc

I think there’s a deeper underlying issue here. If it hadn’t been your brother that this incident happened with, would you still be ruminating about it? I think your brothers approval is important to you, and you don’t feel the relationship with your husband is supported maybe? Or your brothers disapproval has put doubts about your marriage? Something deeper is going on. I think you need to dig deeper and unearth what exactly you are upset about. It’s obviously not the actual incident because he was 21 and drunk 🤷‍♀️ that is clearly not something to be upset about. But the underlying issue is still affecting you. Has your brother repeatedly not supported you with decisions? Is he controlling?

Yhis really isn't worth stressing over or dramatising. It was 22 years ago for goodness sake! It's fucking disgusting but has he ever done it since?

Dh hasn’t ever done it since

Talk to your brother and clear the air. You may well find he likes your DH now and has revised his early opinions. You are all older and wiser.

When I spoke to dh about it recently
telling him it still goes in my mind sometimes
he was really upset
and embarrassed and regrets it

he also said what are you trying to do to me ? Bringing that up

and that for the first few years he didn’t feel that welcome by my brothers
but he also feels after many years they all get along well know but that it took some time

I think my brothers perhaps where a bit over protective towards me

Yes I do

I don’t know if that would just be really odd of me and potentially mess up what’s taken along time to build
Also if he still says basically I’m happy if your happy
which to me kinda translates to I’m not keen but will go along with it
for you

then perhaps I’ll feel even worse and it would make relations harder

Have you ever done something stupid after a few drinks?

I have!!!!!!

forgive him.

I do really appreciate everyone taking them time to give me their views on this
i really do

Have you ever done something stupid after a few drinks?

yes many many things

I've never seen a 'spit' thread on MN, now 2 in one day 🧐

So I'm assuming the other thread triggered you and that's why you're banging on about 22 years later.

Ltb. You'll feel better for it and you can finally put it behind you.

Spitting at someone is gross and I'd certainly have been embarrassed if my husband had done that but geez you need to let it go! 20 odd years ago, really you have too much time on your hands!

We do had children too youngest is only 7
so if a lot of people think I’m acting crazy about still being hung up on this

surely leaving him 22 years later and several children later is crazy too ?

or is that your genuine advice? I can’t tell if your genuinely advising me or what

One session of EMDR would likely resolve this embarrassment. However if linked to childhood memories too, more sessions would be sensible, 12-20. Lots of online EMDR therapists available. It can be life changing. Good luck.

I think because I was abused my mum growing up my brothers became perhaps overly important to me

Emrd I don’t even know what that is

But I’m starting to think I might need some actual help

Clearly what the OP is waiting for someone to suggest, even if said tongue in cheek, and will no doubt question further.

Have you ever had therapy dealing with your childhood and your abusive mother ?
Perhaps you should.

i don't want to overly stir up a lot of upset for myslef or anyone else either

mum doenst admit to thjngs she’s done so feels like not much point talking it her about things incase it just stirs things up

@Feelingunsettledmum l wasn't genuinely advising you to ltb. More, get over this incident that in the scheme of things was pretty gross, but not the end of the world.

Your dh is showing remorse, you should be able to forgive and move on. If he was adamant that what he did was ok, then I think you have a problem.

Sorry I honestly genuinely don’t get what you mean here ?

Thanks for explaining
yes I’d agree if when we spoke about it recently if he had felt what he done was justified
because of the way my brothers mate was acting
it would be a huge huge problem
but he is truly regretful