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Original poster

22 years ago my dh spat at my brother friend, and I still feel feel so ashamed and upset about it and can’t get past it

79 replies

Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:15

So me and dh had just bought a house
my brothers invited him out with them as a sort of welcome to the family drink

however I’m not sure how genuinely friendly they were actually being to him
could have been a bit of brothers being a bit over protective kinda thing going on

when I had finished work and went to collect dh on way home
They had all seemed to had quite a few drinks

one of my brothers friends was trying to be really flirty with me
at one point my brothers mate kissed my hand or tried to……

then dh spat him

missed and it went on the other friends shoe!
i was embarrassed upset and left dh followed
he was boyfriend then
they didn’t come chasing after or anything and nothing was particular said about it from them to him after

tbh if I hadn’t had just bought a house with dh I think I would have finished with him

but all these years later I feel so embarrassed about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:16

When I’ve spoke to dh about it
he says he feels really embarrassed about it too

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:18

Also just for info my brothers aren’t friend with these friends anymore
fell out over something totally unrelated to us

so we don’t see them anymore
but of course we see my brothers

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 13/08/2022 08:18

What do you want to happen? It was 22 years ago, you can’t change past events, he’s remorseful. You either find a way to let it go, or leave DH.

Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:19

He is remorseful
he knows it was disgusting

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 13/08/2022 08:20

ah summer holidays

Leobynature · 13/08/2022 08:23

Bloody hell! It was 22 years ago, there are people who have killed other people and are out of prison in that time. It was a wild crazy night out when he was young and stupid. Stop thinking about it and let it go. It serves you no purpose by still being embarrassed all these years later.

Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:23

i don’t really know how to let it go
or I guess if I should?

When I think about it feel quite sick

dh was young at the time 21

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:24

How do I let it go tho?
do you think I’m mad that I’m still thinking about this ?

OP posts:
x2boys · 13/08/2022 08:25

Right OK, ww all did stupid things,when we were young 🙄

35965a · 13/08/2022 08:25

In the words of Elsa, let it go. If he’s never done it again I would say he is ashamed and realised it was an awful thing to do. He was young, drunk and stupid - it was 22 years ago. Nobody got injured or died.

Purpleavocado · 13/08/2022 08:26

You've wasted the last 22 years thinking about this. Probably a quarter of your life. How has all that helped you? For your own sake, let it go. What are some goo things your dh has done?

Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:27

In terms of people making bad mistakes
my brothers wife did something really bad she could have gone to prison
She only just narrowly avoided it
possbily as she has young children at the time
and he stuck with her, and I’ve been able to move past that
suppose because I don’t feel the shame for it

where as I feel the shame for what my dh did

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:28

I don’t think my brothers were that welcome to dh for quite a few years after
like in our wedding day
my brother said to me are you happy ?

so I said yes are you ?
and he said I’m happy if you’re happy …..

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 13/08/2022 08:29

Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:24

How do I let it go tho?
do you think I’m mad that I’m still thinking about this ?

Yes. Sorry but you're mad to still get upset about this. Time to forget and move on.

Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:30

I wish I knew how

i had a very hard childhood with my mum abusing me and I think it’s messed me up a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:31

Dear Brother always been so good to me and I’ve always idiolsed him a bit
so perhaps it hurts that maybe he doesn’t like dh
or doenst approve

but then I also think we’ll your wife has also made some big mistakes too

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:32

Purpleavocado · 13/08/2022 08:26

You've wasted the last 22 years thinking about this. Probably a quarter of your life. How has all that helped you? For your own sake, let it go. What are some goo things your dh has done?

yes I have spent along time thinking about this and feeling ashamed about it

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 13/08/2022 08:35

Is your DH a good man? Do you love him?

Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:37

I think he is overall
but The last few years have been tough with the lockdowns and just life stress
i think I do

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:42

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me about this, I have been wondering if I should maybe get some therapy
but I wouldn’t know where to begin as it would take up all 6 sessions to talking about my childhood

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:45

To people that have said let it go please tell me where I start and how I do that
I don’t know how to

OP posts:
hopeishere · 13/08/2022 08:48

You literally have to tell yourself over and over: it was a long time ago, no one cares, it doesn't affect anything. Just keep repeating it.

W0tnow · 13/08/2022 08:50

The first thing would be maybe to accept that the incident itself is not the issue. I mean, if you could let it go by snapping your fingers, would you be happy and at peace with life? Is that really the main thing weighing you down and stopping you getting on with life?

Original poster
Feelingunsettledmum · 13/08/2022 08:52

I did wonder if I should try to have a conversation with my Brother about it
as nothing much was really said at the time other than me getting g the impression they didn’t really like him that much

by snippets like what my brother said at my wedding you know asking me if i was happy
then when I said yes are you
and he replied I’m Happy if you’re happy
it’s basically like saying I don’t like him but
I’ll go along with it if that’s what you want

also my brother made this comment to me in the evening when he was pissed

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 13/08/2022 08:53

I think that this is a getting older thing. I’ve noticed that I get flashbacks of things that happened in the past and I feel embarrassed about it. Nothing I can do but push it straight out of my mind.