Struggling to cope with my sons’ ‘boy’-ness

[workwoes123]

I’ve got two boys age 11 and 14. I’m from a family of mostly females - I have one sister, of my five cousins only one was a boy (and he was the youngest), both my dad and mum only have sisters. I went to a tiny primary school (4 in my class, all girls). I’m not used to boys!

When they ‘play’ together it’s a constant stress. They ‘play’ fight constantly, which inevitably turns into a real fight when the oldest hurts the youngest. Even when he’s not fighting with his bother, the oldest is lunging / crashing around: bashing into things, saying “come on then” to inanimate objects that get in his way 🙄. He wants to take up boxing, so is constantly throwing pretend punches, talking about ‘breaking’ people and other macho bollocks.

Is this normal? Will it pass? I’m finding it exhausting to be around, trying to protect the youngest and frankly anything fragile in his vicinity. Neither his dad nor grandfathers are remotely ‘macho’ .

That's not 'boy'ness, that's aggressive, violent behaviour - you've got a discipline problem, it's nothing to do with gender.

The book raising boys is a good place to start. It's not without its critics but I found it quite interesting and relevant to our son.

No it’s not normal! It’s nothing to do with being boys. I have 3 boys, play fighting has never happened in our house, it was never allowed. Your older son has a problem with aggression, I would want to know what is fuelling that, and I would want to address it asap.

Play fighting is actually a part of development and important for children. Me and my brother used to beat the crap out of each other ( I am female).

The boxing and overly aggressive behaviour sounds too much and very annoying though. Maybe he needs a different physical outlet?

I thought you were going to talk about toddler boisterousness not teenage aggression. There is usually quite a lot of difference physically between a 14 year old and 11 year old, I think you need to stop this now. If he wants to do boxing I would support this and he hopefully will channel his energy in a more disciplined way. It sounds horrible to be around and accepting he is breaking things because boys will be boys is not ok.

I don't expect my son to be seen and not heard but, equally, I don't tolerate fighting or aggression. Being naturally loud, energetic and boisterous is not the same thing as being deliberately aggressive and hurting your siblings. Important to make sure there are clear boundaries and lines drawn and clear sanctions upheld if those lines are crossed, I think.

In the meantime, is there something less aggressive than boxing you could nudge your son towards to burn off the pent up energy - athletics? Swimming? Football?

People spout a lot of rubbish on here.

It is completely normal behaviour.

I think as she says it is exhausting trying to protect the younger one and it is exhausting to be around suggests it is something that needs reigning in as that isn't OK

no ….14 yr old needs to get a Grip and go and wrestle his friends of same age and size…not a prepuberty primary aged kid

totally different physically…he needs to get On a bike and then do some running or something, I have an 18 and 15 yr old boys and they still need to burn off that excess energy

Boxing will teach him discipline and respect
Go see a gym trainer and ask advise first

My younger son is 15 and no, they didn't play fight at your kids' ages. It would have driven me nuts. My nephews do though, or just poke each other to be irritating.

But they play a lot of sport so I think that's a good outlet for pent up energy and aggression.

My sons don’t fight at all. I wouldn’t say it is normal. I suspect some families have different outlooks on behaviour and different tolerances towards fighting.

Not normal in my experience (2 boys). I think I would sign eldest up for boxing or some other sport. My boys stopped physically fighting like this at a much younger age. Could it be your eldest needs more physical activity away from his brother? If not boxing then football or scouts etc.?

I assume most families wouldn’t accept this behaviour if girls were involved. Please don’t go down the route of boys will be boys.

Not normal in my house. Two boys, 17 and 15.

Hmm different responses. Like I say I don’t have experience of brothers so I’m not sure what is normal.

Day to day, they don’t interact all that much tbh. The 14 yr old is super sociable and hangs out with his friends a lot while the 11 yr old likes to stay home. We are on holiday just now, so they only have each other to ‘play’ with. They were in the pool this apm and it was torture - I had to intervene so many times!

14yr old has grown about 10cm (to about 180cm) and bulked out a lot in the last few months, and is bouncing off the walls. He literally lifted a door off its hinges a couple of weeks ago (and then didn’t know what to do with it 🙄) because he wondered ‘if it was possible’ . He is joining a proper gym, with boxing training, after the holidays are over. I’m certain that the discipline will be good for him.

Do you discipline him?

Sign him up for martial arts like ju jitsu as along with self defence, it teaches discipline and management of aggression.

Yes that’s true - fairly evident from some posts on here that some parents think this sort of behaviour is totally acceptable and maybe even good for kids.

Oh and I thought all that bollocks about play fighting being an important part of development, turns out to be .. well …bollocks!

mothers of girls may get far worse, super bitchy spitefulness that is both verbal & physical. I knew someone with 4 DDs & a son, babysat by another mutual acquaintance: the girls were famous for slyly pinching each other. Always nicely behaved in public... horrors when their adult back was turned. My own DD had the most venomous tongue by 9-10yo. Never had any such sharp comments from her brothers.

Anyway, ignoring their sex, kids test boundaries. They are driven to find boundaries. If the interaction ends in tears then it went too far & it's your role to do your best to try to help them to accept the limits to wrestling that mean it stays fun, rather than become a game of bad-tempered dominance.

Yes sign him up for boxing asap - he will then get the fitness and discipline he needs.

As others have said it's not 'boyness' and with the right guidance and finding somewhere to channel his energy he will undoubtedly calm down as he matures.

My sons are 15 and 12 so similar age difference. If they do play fight (and its a very rare occurrence) its more like how a.grown up would play fight with a child. My oldest is doing it to have fun with younger DS and acts appropriately I.e isn't rough and let's younger DS win. If its turning into a proper fight and younger DS getting hurt I would say your oldest needs to be reprimanded and grow up a bit.

Boxing and/or martial arts is a very good answer here OP. Whilst a certain amount of play fighting is completely normal (I gavd two boys of similar ages, and a younger daughter) channelling this into a discipline will work wonders.

Boys are completely different from girls (no matter what you read on here) and have totally different needs.