Struggling to cope with my sons’ ‘boy’-ness

[workwoes123]

I’ve got two boys age 11 and 14. I’m from a family of mostly females - I have one sister, of my five cousins only one was a boy (and he was the youngest), both my dad and mum only have sisters. I went to a tiny primary school (4 in my class, all girls). I’m not used to boys!

When they ‘play’ together it’s a constant stress. They ‘play’ fight constantly, which inevitably turns into a real fight when the oldest hurts the youngest. Even when he’s not fighting with his bother, the oldest is lunging / crashing around: bashing into things, saying “come on then” to inanimate objects that get in his way 🙄. He wants to take up boxing, so is constantly throwing pretend punches, talking about ‘breaking’ people and other macho bollocks.

Is this normal? Will it pass? I’m finding it exhausting to be around, trying to protect the youngest and frankly anything fragile in his vicinity. Neither his dad nor grandfathers are remotely ‘macho’ .

Absolutely. Boys and girls are biologically different. This is a good example of that.
And no of course it doesn't excuse male violence against women, the posters who popped that in here are not being helpful at all.

Look at all the posts on MN about problems with female friendships particularly into the teen years. Girls and boys are different, we need to accept that and work out how to manage the particular challenges our sons and daughters face.

I agree. Exercise is good - doesn’t have to be one that encourages aggression though, especially in a child already prone to it.

Absolutely! And I work in early years, no way do we encourage play fighting or wrestling! We spend a lot of time teaching kind hands!

Your oldest boy is bullying and intimidating your youngest that's not on. Come down on it it's not normal behaviour it's way ott

What older brother bullying younger brother is ok ? No it isn't

@josephjohnson but many posters are saying just accept it, it is what boys do. The poster you were responding to just said hopefully it will pass soon. No talk of how to teach boys how to manage their behaviour

It's not normal in our house. I have three boys, 15, 13 and 8 and at worst, we have some low level bickering that I pull up but we don't have any aggressiveness - I've never tolerated scrapping, even as toddlers.

Mine are 10 and 12 and do some wrestling which often ends up with one getting hurt. Not if I’m in the room, interestingly. Anyway, it drives me mad and I usually stop it, but it’s pretty even who gets hurt. If it was only ever the younger one getting hurt I’d be putting a complete stop to it. That’s being bullied in your own home ☹️
Any play fighting or aggressive act/threat and I’d be removing phone time.

And in both of my posts I've talked about helping the older one manage his physicality and hormones.

I'd send him to martial arts rather than a boxing gym.
I used to train in a boxing gym. I wouldn't send my teen there. It's not going to help with macho behaviour and posturing. Martial arts will. In fact, I'd send both of them to martial arts.

The opening posts suggests there is a big difference between what the OP is experiencing and normal rough and tumble play which I agree all kids do.

It's not normal in Amny of they boys I've been surrounded by. The only one ive come accross like this is one who later went on to be diagnosed as having ADHD and being on the autistic spectrum (diagnosed when he was 16). He stood out as being very different. The very 'fighty stage' you describe is something I see 4 year old ninja wannabes exhibiting.
As they grow up they tend to utilise their testosterone fuelled energy in a more directed way, competitiveness grows so perhaps he lacks an outlet. Some boys become copmetetive physically others might direct it Into gaming or academics. Running and sports are all really good outlets just to get rid of energy. I dont think being generally very aggressive is normal or good (although from 11 onwards boys definitely do get shirty and are a pain in the bum as they think they rule the world). Its certainly not conducive to a peaceful family life being 'fighty' all the time - it's not appropriate. What is he is like elsewhere ie at school is very important, if its just with you it means he feels able to do it . Dont let him shool don't think punching everyone is acceptable either.
If he has energy, run it off, if he wants to be Competitive do it productively.
Don't be a prat. Dont be a bully. No-one likes a prat or bully. Girls wont like prats or bullies. .he might be intetested in that if nothing else

Boys need daily exercise. Like dogs. I have four. Boys, not dogs. They are out in all weathers. It's my business to make sure they get out. Eldest 15, youngest 5. We go tree climbing at country parks (I often have a go as well).

Your eldest needs lots of exercise. what about Clip n Climb, swimming or just the great outdoors?

From a self discipline perspective, the PP suggesting martial arts is correct. Using their physical energy in a controlled environment will also help. One of my four DC goes to judo and loves it.

A 14 year old constantly ‘throwing punches’ and squaring up to inanimate objects isn’t ‘boy-ness,’ it’s just aggression. If my son hit anybody he’d be punished and talked to about it. I wouldn’t suggest to him or anyone else that it was just ‘boys will be boys.’

And I wouldn’t be doing the ‘aww he just needs to run off the energy by running round the park.’ That’s more what I’d think up for a two year old with too much boisterousness. For a 14 year old I’d be laying out appropriate behaviour expectations (no agression or violence to any member of the family at any time) and having consequences if those expectations weren’t met.

Squaring up to inanimate objects is an odd one. Is your 14y/o maybe being bullied himself, outside the home?

Being normal for small children really isn’t relevant to this situation though is it? It’s perfectly normal (and positive in communication) for toddlers to tantrum over not getting their own way but a 14 year old sitting on the floor crying because he can’t have a blue cup is seriously abnormal. Same in this case - maybe some boisterous play is normal in preschool age children but a 14 year old beating up his younger sibling and squaring up to inanimate objects (which will almost definitely make others in the home uncomfortable) isn’t normal or acceptable.

I agree with this but for both sexes.
Reduces all sorts of boundary testing out of sheer exhaustion.

Get him exhausted so you don't have to be. Swimming at 6am is a thing... skip rope if money is an issue. Sell it as something boxers practice with.
Team competitive sports basketball, hockey (there are many types to choose from! ) and cricket are fab too but there's a cost sometimes. Neighbourhood cycling and jogging are accessible in some areas.

It's unfortunate you referred to play fighting in your OP. In my opinion this is very different from play f

very different from play fighting. This is physical bullying and aggression. Nasty. He needs punishing for this sort of behaviour not rewarding with boxing classes. It sounds his friends are not a particularly good influence.

I do agree though that hitting objects around the home is not acceptable behaviour, neither is picking on younger siblings. I often have to get involved with breaking up an altercation over something with the 15yo and 12yo, I don't tolerate any nonsense and electronic devices get confiscated if it gets out of hand. They know this.

Younger two are 5yo and 6yo and often fight over stuff but it's minor stuff. I am always involved in breaking up these fights. They get treats confiscated if they don't listen. There has to be consequences.

I don't think it's any cause for concern and sounds like with the gym you've got a good plan. To survive the holidays however I'd recommend facilitating more active activities. Either exercise/ clip and climb/ adult courses/ swimming. (Or can the 14yo go and hang out with his mates. That's what I did all summer at that age.)

My friend has 4 boys. Admittedly much younger but she takes them for walks like dogs every morning weekend/ holidays when they've no other activities booked in, or even before.) They do a lot of activities too. She says not doing it, just isn't really an option as it's too unbearable when they're cooped up.

They turned their whole garden into an assault course with trampoline and monkey bars during lockdown.

Great minds think alike 😂, I couldn't cope being cooped up with mine either. Need to get out every single day. Up early doors every day for my sanity. We go out walking all the time.