Can I change my attitude towards sleep?

[Deadharm]

I remember coming on here years ago, hating mornings and asking if anyone could help change my mindset. It only went and worked and I've been good with mornings ever since.

Wondering if the same could be said for sleep. I have real issue with being woken up or if I don't get enough sleep. Which is difficult atm as I have a small baby whose sleep is shit.

For reference, my ex used sleep deprivation as a form of abuse for 13 years. As a result I am now unable to sleep without earplugs, and I get angry when woken from my sleep.

Can I somehow change this attitude? If so, oh wise women of MN...how?

To confirm...I pretty obsessed with sleep. My husband pointed out that I barely fo 40 mins without referring to sleep in some context or another. He's right. I'm completely preoccupied with it

I've had 3 years therapy and this never came up. I've had some much other shit to unravel!! As a child I used sleep as a sort of time travel. I slept A LOT as a child.

I reframed things in my mind whilst literally awake right through he night following bereavement by telling myself:
you are in a calm safe space / your bones are physically resting / your body is resting / your head is held comfortingly in the pillow / you are in cool/warm bedding/ your body is breathing / physically you are resting - and that is enough - sleep can come later

I read up a lot on sleep, resting in bed in the dark is incredibly restorative for your mind and body even if you aren't asleep.

I am pretty obsessed with sleep

The Earth will support life for 8 billion years.

Somewhere in the middle of it you will get about 80 years. Therefore for 7,999,999,920 years you will be dead.

Do not worry about sleep. You have slept for a long time already and you will sleep for a long time once more.

You have no time to waste.

Fuck that when you’ve got a small baby like OP does.

I think it’s hard not to be obsessed by sleep when you have a baby OP. It’s annoying because it sort of makes it worse the more you think about it. It is temporary though (you may become obsessed by eg potty training instead next.)

Yes I want to reframe things in my mind.

For example, last night dh took baby and I slept in spare room. I had 7 hours straight sleep. Its still not enough, I feel so tired it's like I have a hole in my stomach.

It's not just since I had ds either. I've been this way about sleep for as long as i remember.

As a child I wouldbslep as a way of escaping life. In the summer holidays my mum would come home from work and I would still be asleep at 4pm. If my friends came tk knock for me I'd become annoyed at being woken.

My ex spend years waking me up all hours he would barge in the bedroom, turning on lights and opening and closing drawers with a slam, putting TV on full blast etc etc. It actually drove me to the brink of insanity.

I am so tired of being tired and it feels like I will never feel rested again. All the help I get from my husband, mum, in laws...it feels like I'm being ungrateful, but it seems it doesn't matter how I get extra naps and the occasional full night...I am always tired and I am resentful because all I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep

I will try this...thank you.

And my condolences xxx

Maybe go to a GP and ask for a sleep study to be done. You might have an issue such as sleep apnoea which causes sleep not to feel restful even when you have had what seems to be enough. Or B12 deficiency can cause feeling tired despite sleep. There are various medical causes. I would rule these out before assuming it is psychological.

I've tried not checking the clock when night feeding , and I was doing sleep tracking for a while ehich I have also stopped. Its helped a tiny but... but my baby is very wakeful and grazes on milk. All. Night. Long. I have to put the dummy back in his mouth umpteen times. I am the lightest sleeper. Even though I wear earplugs I can hear him breathe, I can hear the dummy drop onto the mattress ffs!! He wriggles and moves all night and it keeps me awake and I just weep and weep nearly every night

This is a very interesting point. I never thought to do this as I believe it is all psychological. But I could be wrong. I would love if it was something physical that can be fixed!!

I remember your morning thread BTW and I remember finding it very interesting. I do hope you get answers to this. It must be incredibly frustrating.

Wow!

That thread had a huge impact on my life. It completely changed things for me. It was just after I had my dc1...10 years ago!!

Fingers and eyes crossed this thread will be just as impactful. Mumsnet can work some magic when it wants to 🤞

Great post. That's what I tell myself at 3 in the morning.

Have you seen a specialist about this? You may want to get your doctor to refer you to the sleep clinic.
You could also speak to your doctor about the tiredness- could be due to a deficiency or due to oversleeping etc

The key to sleep or atleast a refreshing night is to take the pressure off.
Regardless how much or little time you have to actually sleep, just aim to lay there and relax, if you sleep thats great if not you will recharge just relaxing. The more you stress the more are wide awake.
Your 7hrs was adequate but because you feel ultra tired you've convinced yourself it's not, hence waking up feeling tired still.

Also naps are an amazing thing, 10 minutes on the sofa with an alarm set can make you feel loads better.
For me the waking up is more important than the sleeping part.

I try and tell myself that a rest is as good as a sleep. I know this to be true for other people in my life but I can't seem to make it work for me.

And I have naps when my baby naps. But still...feel tired all the time. I almost don't like napping because its torture being woken after such a short time. I'm only beginning to get into a deep sleep when I have to get up and that is just painful to me

Are you depressed? I feel like you when my depression is bad. I just want to sleep and sleep.

Get your vitamin levels checked too.

I don't know. I thought so but then I do find joy and happiness in day to day life

I tried sertraline a whole back but hated the way I couldn't feel anything, couldn't cry, couldn't feel anything when being intimate. So I came off them.

EMDR therapy for trauma

Another example. He just had a half hour nap. I lay down with with him. I hoped he'd have over an hour and when he woke, I felt crushed. I now can't stop crying as I'm so fucking tired.

Set an alarm so you're waking up on your terms.
Put the baby down say ill have a 20 minute nap then have a coffee before the baby wakes up you'll feel better for it

This was the type of thing suggested in my morning thread. I thought it was a madness but tried it, and it worked.

Maybe this is what I need to do.

I really feel that while having 7 hours sleep is great when you have a little baby, it is not the restorative night that it might be when you are not chronically tired from multiple broken nights.

A visit to the GP and further counselling might help both the potential physical and psychological causes of this OP.

My dh, after spending the night with him, has heard me crying downstairs and has taken him for a walk. I am worried he is getting fed up because no matter how much help he gives me with feeds and staying up etc...I am never feeling properly refreshed. He thinks I should look into it properly too. I feel like I am failing them both. I should be able to do this with all the help I get. I think about all the single mums out there and women who get no help and I feel like such a failure.

They have gone out and I suppose I'm expected to gwt some sleep now but honestly what's the point? How long will they be gone before they are back and I have to get up? Whatever it is...it won't be long enough. And that makes it worse. I'm in bed now not knowing whether to catch some sleep or get up and clean