First lines of classic novels if no-one had childcare

[cariadlet]

Here's a few to get us started.
lithub.com/first-lines-of-classic-novels-if-no-one-had-childcare/,

Fahrenheit 451

It was a pleasure to burn.

It was a special pleasure to see things eaten, to see things blackened and changed. With his symbolic helmet numbered 451 on his stolid head, and his eyes all orange flame with the thought of what came next, he flicked the igniter, and the the poop-stained onesie, half-dozen dirty wipes and the tragic mess that was his once-white office shirt jumped up in a gorging fire that burned the evening sky red and yellow and black. The crackling flames jumped and twirled in his newborn’s eyes, marking the minutes until the unleashing of the next Apoocalypse.

"Yes, of course, if it's fine tomorrow," said Mrs Ramsay, knowing full well that by the time they reached the lighthouse they would have to turn around and come home, as Mr Ramsay didn't like to be bothered in the sixth week of the school holidays.

Coucou! C'est moi!

Grimm’s Fairy Tales, Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm - many

Once upon a time…I could pee in peace.

Once upon a time…I thought maternity leave would be an ideal opportunity to write a novel.

Once upon a time…I had clothes without vomit stains.

Outlander
People disappear all the time. Ask any policeman. Better yet, ask a journalist. Disappearances are bread-and-butter to journalists.
But no one has ever been able to explain how my husband regularly disappears at 6.45pm and is nowhere to be found until 8.30 or when the kids are asleep (whichever is sooner)

A nursery rhyme.

Polly put the kettle on
Polly put the kettle on
We'll all have some tea.
Sukey takes it off again
Sukey takes it off again
And cracks open the G & T.
Because Polly's kids are positively feral.

@ShirleyJackson

Brilliant😂

That's gone straight into my list of favourite quotes.

(The 'Charlotte's Web' one, although the others are pretty good too 😁)

Valley of the Dolls:
The temperature hit ninety degrees the day she arrived. The Gro-egg was burning a blazing red colour. ‘Drat’, she thought ‘All of DD’s thin sleeping bags are in the laundry basket’

I wouldn’t worry; there’s poems and all sorts on here. It’s brilliant.😂

James Bond, with two double bourbons inside him, sat in the final departure lounge of Miami Airport and thought “thank fuck that’s over, I’m never taking the kids to Walt Disney World again.”

Cider With Rosie
I was set down from the carrier's cart with a family of three; and there with a sense of bewilderment and terror my life as a step mother began. The June grass, amongst which I stood, was taller than I was, and I wept.

Last night I would have dreamt I went to Mandalay again but I kept getting woken up by a toddler with a sick bug

The education bestowed upon Flora Poste by her parents had been
expensive, athletic and prolonged. Unfortunately none of it prepared her for changing an exploding nappy on a wriggling 13 month old escape artist while simultaneously trying to placate a screaming 3 year old desperate for a snack by reading 'The Snail and the Whale' for the 84th time that morning. Whatever was in the woodshed was starting to seem a much better option...

Roger, aged seven, and no longer the youngest of the family, ran in wide zigzags....

...And the rest continues exactly as Ransome wrote it, the perfect childcare-free novel.

The story so far: in the beginning, the child was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. Especially by the mother, who mourned the loss of nights out with the girls, getting pissed on prosecco and being able to sneeze without passing a bit of wee.

My homage toThe Restaurant at the End of the Universe by Douglas Adams

Miss Brooke had that kind of beauty which seems to be thrown into relief by poor dress, which is just as well since her infant had acid reflux and she couldn't see the bottom of the laundry basket.

Middlemarch

On the pleasant shore of the French Riviera, about half way
between Marseilles and the Italian border, stands a large, proud, rose-colored hotel. It is a haven for those on an all inclusive holiday - elbowing others out of the way en route to the all you can eat buffet. The sound of children attempting to drown their siblings in the pool masking the desperate cries for help of the children's entertainer dressed in a Paw Patrol costume as he is being kicked and pushed by a mob of pre teens high ona week long diet of virgin cocktails and barbe papa.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender Is The Night

"That Sam I am, that Sam I am. I do not like that Sam I am"

"Yes dear I know, but yesterday he was your best friend and you didn't like that Noah I am. On Monday you didn't like that Evie I am or that Ethan I am. You are going back to After School Club whether you like it or not."

Squire Trelawney, Dr. Livesey, and the rest of these gentlemen having asked me to write down the whole particulars about Treasure Island, from the beginning to the end, keeping nothing back but the bearings of the island, and that only because there is still treasure not yet lifted. In this year of grace 2022, I go to take up my pen only to find the little buggers have stolen it and my lovely writing paper to write ‘bum’ and ‘Willy’ on to display in the downstairs window for all the neighbourhood to gawp at

I bloody love this thread.

The Road
When he woke in the woods in the dark and cold of the night he’d reach out to touch the child sleeping beside him. Of course the child was not there because his mother had taken him to the toilet block ten minutes ago when his whinging became unbearable. "Fuck camping", she muttered under her breath.

The End of the Affair
A story has no beginning or end; arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead. And yet regardless, there are sticky fingerprints and crumbs. Always and forever so many crumbs.

Last night I dreamt I went to Legoland again.

The naked child ran out of the tent towards the water.

"You need sunscreen!" shrieked her mother. "And NO RUNNING by the poolside!"

This thread has got to go to Classics.

Obviously not my own work, but it seems an appropriate thread to take a minute to appreciate the sensible curmudgeonly Philip Larkin...

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.