First lines of classic novels if no-one had childcare

[cariadlet]

Here's a few to get us started.
lithub.com/first-lines-of-classic-novels-if-no-one-had-childcare/,

My sole contribution was to post the link and start the thread. I couldn't think of anything witty to post myself but knew you lot would come up trumps.

These are brilliant.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single mum in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a nanny.

The year 1866 was signalised by a remarkable incident, a mysterious and inexplicable phenomenon, which doubtless no one has yet forgotten. The rumour persisted that, upon noticing that the loo roll was soon to finish, a new one had been found in the cupboard, saving many from the indignity of yelling 'THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER LEFT'.

With apologies to Jules Verne.

Superb!

Please, sir,' replied Oliver, 'I want some more.'The master aimed a blow at Oliver's head with the ladle; pinioned him in his arm; and shrieked aloud for the beadle.The board were sitting in solemn conclave, when Mr. Bumble rushed into the room in great excitement, and addressing the gentleman in the high chair, said,'Mr. Limbkins, I beg your pardon, sir! Oliver Twist has asked for more!'There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance.'For MORE!' said Mr. Limbkins. 'Compose yourself, Bumble, and answer me distinctly. Do I understand that he asked for more, after he had eaten the supper allotted by the dietary?''He did, sir,' replied Bumble. "I haven't been to Tesco yet and he's eaten all the turkey twizzlers and I haven't time to sort a delliveroo "

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

Holden, that is not the way to speak to your reception teacher! I do apologise…

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in possession of a cup of tea and 5 minutes peace must be in want of a talking at about Animal Crossing New Horizons by a 9 year old 😭

😂😭

Brilliant

😆😆

The White Tiger

Neither you nor I speak English, but there are some things that can be said only in English. Your father and I have decided to send you to Eton. Full board. Home for Easter and Christmas. Bye.

Lord of the Flies
The boy with fair hair lowered himself down the last few feet of rock and began to pick his way towards the lagoon. GET BACK HERE AND PUT YOUR SUNCREAM ON, she hollered from the sun lounger.

“You better not never tell nobody but God,” I whispered to my child, as the fifth episode of Paw Patrol in a row started.

"You will rejoice to hear that no disaster has accompanied the commencement of an enterprise which you have regarded with such evil forebodings."
“You mean the soft play birthday party is over, and nobody died? Oh thank God!”

A mouse took a stroll in the deep dark wood.
A fox saw the mouse and the mouse looked good.
"Where are you going to little brown mouse?
Come for a feast in my underground house."
"That's terribly kind of you fox, but no,
I only eat beige food and drink cocoa."

This is so funny! "A talking at" is perfectly accurate

The Bell Jar
It was a queer sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York with two under 5s. I should have just taken out the second mortgage and booked Center Parcs.

Wuthering heights:

Heathcliff, I love you but the other guy has more money and isn't technically my step brother. So f@ck off. But just remember, you go with anyone else I will fucking haunt you.

It was on a dreary night of November that I beheld the accomplishment of my toils. A small, red newborn creature opened its eyes and breathed hard and a convulsive motion agitated its limbs. It was already one in the morning; the rain pattered dismally against the panes, and (1) my candle was nearly burnt out, yet here I go again with another breastfeed by the glimmer of the half-extinguished light.

My version of Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

The Kama Sutra “So long as lips shall kiss,and eyes shall see,so long lives this ,and this gives life to thee.”

9 months later …if you dare so much as look at me I will take a red hot poker and shove it right up your arse

It was nine-thirty on Christmas Eve. As I crossed the long entrance hall of Monk’s Piece on my way from the dining room, where we had just enjoyed the first of the happy, festive meals, toward the drawing room and the fire around which my family were now assembled, I paused and then, as I often do in the course of an evening, went to the front door, opened it and stepped outside. Christ, I thought, my family are tedious and thank god I stashed a bottle of Baileys and 20 Rothmans by the bins so I’m sorted for a couple of hours.

(The Woman In Black)

"A mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood.
A fox saw the mouse and the mouse looked good.
“Where are you going to, little brown mouse?
Come and have lunch in my underground house.”
“I wish I could fox but Dave’s minding the kids and he’ll be in a right panic if I’m more than five minutes late because god forbid his luxury poo should be delayed by my being stuck in the massive queue at the bookstore picking up all their fucking school books.”

OMG, I’m howling! (And very poorly read. I can’t be bothered with improving fiction these days!)

We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. A vomiting, fractious toddler had necessitated a dosing of emergency Calpol. As she finally slept we drove in silence, contemplating our life choices.

(Leaving Las Vegas).