First lines of classic novels if no-one had childcare

[cariadlet]

Here's a few to get us started.
lithub.com/first-lines-of-classic-novels-if-no-one-had-childcare/,

Call me Ishmael.

Or Fred, Fanny, Fifi Bourgainvilla the 15th, Ermintrude or even fucking Fido. Whatever you like, but just stop calling me MUUUUUUUUUM.

I sing of arms and the man. Again and a-fucking-gain. With all the arm movements. And the special voices. And no verses omitted, on pain of wailing. I quite liked it once upon a time. But now I’d pay good money never to have to hear it ever again.

Wuthering Heights - I have just returned from a visit to my landlord - the kids have kicked a football through the window again and alas! I have lost my security deposit.

In the beginning was the Word. And the Word was MUUUUUUM!

American Psycho
I live in the suburbs next to an ‘outstanding’ CoE school. My name is mum/mummy. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine - but having two children has put an end to that being a reality. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I sigh as I take out the kid’s brioche. I dream of the mornings when I used to use a deep pore cleanser lotion, then a honey almond body scrub. And on the face, an exfoliating gel scrub.

Tiger tiger burning bright
In the forests of the night
Now, I've told you before
There are no monsters
Under your bed
Now go to sleep

@Richenda
Brilliant! ⭐️

I Capture the Castle:

I write this sitting in the kitchen sink. Because it’s the only place the kids can’t find me. And I can eat the whole packet of biscuits without having to explain why I can eat them and they can’t. And in the unlikely event that they do find me I can pretend I was trialling a new yoga-cum-housework move, and not in fact hiding.

Pride and Prejudice:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune and three feral kids, must be in want of a wife.

Sir Walter Elliott, of Kellynch Hall, Somersetshire, was a man, who, for his own amusement, never took up any book but the Baronetage, until the day when he found its pages gummed together by a combination of semi-masticated chocolate biscuit and poster paint.

(Austen, Persuasion).

😁

Brilliant!

Julian, Dick and Anne are thrilled and curious when they discover that they are going to be spending the summer holidays with an unknown cousin, in a cottage beside the sea! Meanwhile uncle Quentin and aunt Fanny are at each other throats “You will just have to come out of your bloody study and actually help me look after the kids over the summer holidays” shrieks aunt Fanny “I don’t have time. Do you realize I’m actually trying to invent things and earn some money? They are your flipping nephews and nieces so you look after them”. Replies uncle Quentin loudly before retreating into his study slamming the door behind him. Aunt Fanny looks angrily at the door, flicks the Vs and shouts “You fucking bellend.”

Moving into films -

The Seventh Seal:
"Who are you?"
"I am Death."
"That's nice, dear. Got tired of being a dog, then?"

Raging Bull:
I remember those cheers. They still ring in my ears. No more whole class birthday parties for us.

Four Weddings and a Funeral: Oh fuck! Fuck!
[Needs no alteration]

Peter Pan

All children, except one, grow up.
But why do they take so bloody long to do it?

“All happy families are alike, but an unhappy family is unhappy after its own fashion.
Everything had gone wrong in the Oblonsky household. The wife had found out about her husband’s relationship with their former French governess…
…..and gone straight to Mumsnet, where the vipers advised her to LTB, get her ducks in a row, and get lawyered up…

It's a truth universally acknowleged that the mother of five children must be in need of a break.

Once there were four children whose names were Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy. This story is about something that happened to them when they were sent away from London during the war because of the air-raids. They ended up being kidnapped, nearly frozen, and left unattended with jungle animals because their legal guardian could be arsed to hire a nanny.
Social Services are investigating.

Once there were four children whose names were Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy. ...
”How many times do I have to tell you four!? I am in a zoom meeting”
“Stop interrupting me!”

Oh Bums x post !

Yours is funnier!

Great Gatsby
In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since. Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone, he told me, just remember that all the parents in this world sometimes need to go to the toilet with the door closed, and it’s ok to give them a tablet to play with.

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by some other mother who offers frequent play dates at her house, these pages shall show.

“Mother died today. Or maybe, yesterday; I can't be sure.”

Now I am all alone as the nanny left last week”

The Outsider by Albert Camus (1942)

Oranges are not the only fruit:-

Like most people I lived for a long time with my mother and father. My father liked to watch the wrestling, my mother liked gin.

The time travellers wife:-

It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays at home with the kids all day