Awkward how to manage child always wanting to come over

[UnagiForLife]

I have 2 early primary aged DDs and despite being very different in character they get along and play really nicely together most of the time.

We are surrounded by lots of houses, recently a new family bought one of the houses and their garden borders ours. They have a little girl who is right in the middle of my two DDs ages and they got friendly talking over the fence at first and eventually the little girl started asking if she could play in our garden, which was fine with me and lovely I thought for the little girl who is an only child.

The trouble is the novelty has now worn off for my youngest DD. She is not as sociable as my older DD and likes time to herself or just playing with her big sister. The other child is lovely but can be a bit bossy. My eldest is laid back and doesn’t mind too much but my youngest can’t stand it.

This morning my two were playing really nicely and the other girl heard and started asking to come over. My youngest got upset and said she didn’t want her to come over. My oldest really wanted her to come over and kept going over to the fence to talk to her. This is a common story.

I’m torn. The girl is very persistent and if I say no she just stays by the fence pestering my eldest to get me to change my mind. To be honest I don’t mind her coming over, if only they would all play nicely, but that’s not the case as my youngest isn’t happy when she’s over.

This morning I suggested my oldest went over to play there but the little girl only wants to play in our garden. In the end I gave in and she’s been here most of the day. My eldest is playing nicely with her but my youngest has been whiny and hard work all day as a result.

I’m going to go out tomorrow to avoid the issue but I can’t do that all summer holidays as it’ll be expensive and we love days at home so it’s a shame.

How do I handle this?

My honest really doesn’t like overly confident or pushy children, which are the ones who also approach and these kind of children are very drawn to my eldest because she’s so friendly, accepting and easy going. So it’s problematic when these people are drawn to play with her sister and she doesn’t want anything to do with them!

My youngest not my honest

@wellhelloitsme yes I was very concerned when she said this too, I don’t like to think of her being scared and our house is a refuge and then telling her she can’t come over makes me feel awful.

I think it's totally fair enough for her not to want anything to do with people she doesn't like. She shouldn't be forced to play with other kids if she doesn't want to.

What isn't fair is for your younger dc to get in the way of her older sister playing with those people. She doesn't have to join in, but she has no right to control what her sister chooses to do. If older dd wants to play with someone else, then younger dd needs to decide whether to suck it up and join in cheerfully or go off and find something else to do instead. I think it's your job to help her understand this.

Obviously, if your older dd decides that she doesn't want to play with next-door dc after all, then that's a different scenario and you just need to stand your ground with the neighbour's dc. My point is simply that the older dc is not responsible for her younger sister's happiness, and she shouldn't have to stop playing with someone just because little sister wants her all to herself.

It isn't your job to provide a refuge for the other child. If you have genuine concerns about her wellbeing, then contact social services.

Is it a case of twos company threes a crowd? Maybe you could invite one of the youngests friends over at the same time so they can play together or in twos?

Absolutely I do not let her get in the way of my eldest playing with whomever she wants to under normal circumstances. Like yesterday we were out, eldest starts playing with another child, youngest didn’t want to join in so me and the youngest played together or youngest played on her own happy and eldest played with her new friend until they had to leave then my two played together happily again, no drama.

The difficulty with the neighbour is that my children are playing very well together in their garden and then all of a sudden unexpected and unannounced the other girl starts calling at the fence breaking up their game. My youngest quite understandably doesn’t want to lose her playmate and doesn’t want to play with someone she doesn’t like (although she will join in sometimes, it depends what they’re playing and if the other girl is being nice or annoying). I can’t very well have a friend for my youngest on standby to invite over on these occasions.

Then talk to them but do it anyway? It’s a bit worrying that she might use your garden to escape to as well. What if she hurt herself on something and you weren’t there? Her parents need to step up and do some more engaged parenting by the sounds of it. I feel pretty sorry for this child as you clearly do. But it’s not your job to keep her entertained all summer!

But the friendship is onesided & all on the other little girls terms... When she comes to the fence she demands be let in... The mum has said the two sisters are playing together happily. The older sister needs to learn that playdates are generally recipotated & this is a onesided friendship on the girls terms. If she doesn't learn she will be a pushover like her mother. Kudos to the younger sister for not giving in (& possibly seeing the situation for what it is)... Maybe if the sisters were invited to play in the other girls garden the younger sister may be happier about playing with this girl, all children like the novelty of their friends houses & garden.

A pushover like her mum… ouch. Point taken though and I have taken on board all advice and will stand firm next time. Any problems I will ask to speak to her parents. I’ll also get the fence sorted. Thanks again for all the advice, I’m going to hide this thread now as I think I’ve got all the advice I need to move forward. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

@UnagiForLife I'm sorry for being blunt, I'm not sure if you read my post upthread but I've been through similar with neighbours dc & until I grew the courage to speak up (this was during covid times BTW so we weren't allowing dc mix anyways)...

Just to put your mind at rest that someone not being especially sociable isn't always a big negative.

When I was little I always preferred having a couple of good friends or playing alone. Reading, or exploring, writing, drawing etc.

Was genuinely more than happy doing that and felt quite overwhelmed doing anything I felt was 'forced fun' or in big groups.

I didn't get on with my brother so it's lovely your DDs also play together.

In my 20s I had a wild phase and during that time I loved being out and having lots of different friends, not sure why!

Then in the last couple of years (I'm early 30s) I have become a bit more introverted again and some parts of lockdown were a bit of a relief as I didn't feel pressure to go to things I didn't want to or spend time with groups that I didn't want to.

It makes me much happier and I still do fun things and see people I love spending time with, but don't have to do the bits I don't want!

So she may well just know her own mind like I did and be comfortable saying what her boundaries are. Which is an absolute gift, especially for girls who are often conditioned by society, and sometimes school, to be kind even if it's to their own detriment.

That's not on you though and if she is repeatedly saying that she's scared of them and you know that she's playing alone and unsupervised a lot but isn't happy about it, it might be worth flagging to someone in safeguarding I think.

Given that the OP has described herself as a People Pleaser, do you really think laying a guilt trip on her is appropriate - or the sort of manipulation used to keep a People Pleaser locked into pleasing everyone but themselves? Just something to keep in mind.