Awkward how to manage child always wanting to come over

[UnagiForLife]

I have 2 early primary aged DDs and despite being very different in character they get along and play really nicely together most of the time.

We are surrounded by lots of houses, recently a new family bought one of the houses and their garden borders ours. They have a little girl who is right in the middle of my two DDs ages and they got friendly talking over the fence at first and eventually the little girl started asking if she could play in our garden, which was fine with me and lovely I thought for the little girl who is an only child.

The trouble is the novelty has now worn off for my youngest DD. She is not as sociable as my older DD and likes time to herself or just playing with her big sister. The other child is lovely but can be a bit bossy. My eldest is laid back and doesn’t mind too much but my youngest can’t stand it.

This morning my two were playing really nicely and the other girl heard and started asking to come over. My youngest got upset and said she didn’t want her to come over. My oldest really wanted her to come over and kept going over to the fence to talk to her. This is a common story.

I’m torn. The girl is very persistent and if I say no she just stays by the fence pestering my eldest to get me to change my mind. To be honest I don’t mind her coming over, if only they would all play nicely, but that’s not the case as my youngest isn’t happy when she’s over.

This morning I suggested my oldest went over to play there but the little girl only wants to play in our garden. In the end I gave in and she’s been here most of the day. My eldest is playing nicely with her but my youngest has been whiny and hard work all day as a result.

I’m going to go out tomorrow to avoid the issue but I can’t do that all summer holidays as it’ll be expensive and we love days at home so it’s a shame.

How do I handle this?

You’ve hit the nail on the head really @sauceyorange I am pretty sure my eldest isn’t particularly fussed about playing with her but she just finds it really uncomfortable listening to her begging on the other side of the fence and trying to ignore it is really uncomfortable for her.

I must admit I feel the same, like someone said upthread it’s hard to say no and then carry on playing in the garden leaving this little girl out, it kind of feels cruel to me but I know it’s not fair on my youngest not to respect her wishes either and she is obviously my priority so I definitely need to be firmer and will be from now on. I respect my youngest so much for having better boundaries than me, she has no problems saying no I don’t want her here, very loudly!

I am so appreciative of all the comments and advice on here, it’s been so helpful. Thank you.

Some excellent advice on this thread.

Next time (tomorrow, presumably) this little girl stands by your fence asking to play with your dds, seize the moment and knock on their door. Say what Callme Angela said with a bright smile being clear that you're not having visitors today.

Then it's over to them to entertain their child.

Repeat if necessary. Honestly, if the parents are trying to get out of being hassled by their child, you knocking on the door a couple of times will soon incentivise them!

Weirdly despite the fact their garden backs onto ours we do live quite a few streets away from each other so it’s difficult to go and knock on their door so I’ll have to just try and talk to them over the fence, which I have done on occasion if I catch them in the garden but they’re mostly inside.

@UnagiForLife
It looks like you've had great advice already

Absolutely go and out tell them little girl to go home and stop calling over your fence when you say what was suggested

I would go round and knock at her door with her to speak to parents and say theirDD (name) keeps standing outside our fence calling and calling when we have said no. Can you please deal with this, as it's not fair on my DDs. We like to play sometimes but not this much. (Do not offer set times or frequencies as you'll feel tied to it. )

Also say (name of their DD) has come over a lot to play in our garden with our DD, it would be nice to have it reciprocated.

Then If they don't take the hint then I would cool this off as you are not childcare and it seems like they are palming their DD off on you. Your DD will have other friends she can play with that reciprocate on play dates at each other's houses.

Your youngest has the right measure of things, your eldest sounds kind but don't allow them to become a people pleaser
Tell the girl firmly no and ask her to go and get her mum/dad so you can speak to them directly

Thank you I’ve taken so many notes from this thread, the advice has really been wonderful and what I needed to hear.

Your youngest doesn't want her there, your eldest gets guilt tripped into playing with her.

It's so important that your daughters know that their choices matter. I was raised to be kind and always do what others want.

It hasn't served me well, and at 40 it's still a bloody hard habit to break.

It's their downtime, it's not work or school and they should have a reasonable level of autonomy over that time.

If you have to go round streets to get to their door, how is the little girl getting to your garden? Do her parents walk her round? Surely you could speak to them then? How are the visits arranged at the moment?

At first her parents walked her round and I walked mine round there once at the beginning to play at theirs and said I’d pick them up in an hour. By the time I got home they were back in our garden! They’d slid a fence panel to the side and crawled through and this has been the way in ever since.

This became a nightmare for me when my neighbours children practically moved in with me. I'd reiterate those who say impose firm guidelines and stick to them. You may have to take your children out on a few occasions to make them less available.
My neighbours children came across two fields and crossed a river to get to us, even when the youngest girl was barely 3. One evening I went to visit an elderly ill aunt and met my neighbour out cycling with friends. My DH wasn't with me as her 3 children were at my house and he was basically minding them. That was the turning point and they were allowed 2x 1hr play times per week and even that seemed generous.

I would have a chat with her mum.

Maybe approach it from the angle that your youngest is feeling a bit stressed at the moment and isn't coping well with other children in her space. Say you don't mind her daughter coming to play occasionally but you can't keep it up all the time as your daughter is struggling.

Ask her to have a chat with her daughter when she is being persistent as you feel really guilty but need to put your daughters needs first.

Say you are happy for your eldest to go there and play sometimes as that would probably be the best compromise.

Unfortunately for the girl, she needs to learn she can't always have her own way and she needs to accept when the answer is no. The summer holidays are long and hard enough without other peoples kids adding to that stress.

I have similar & I have posted on the issue! Basically you need to make your daughter unavailable e.g a couple of mornings baking indoors.. Maybe set up an "art contest" for the girls, a lego day etc.. So maybe they'll need to be indoors a little more which is shit as they deserve to enjoy their garden & "sister time"...
I would be asking the girl to stop calling your dd as she's busy...
Maybe do morning indoors playing lego /with toys/baking :crafting etc with the afternoon at the park?
Is the little girl there every day? Do her parents bring her out?

Blimey
If "Doris" stands by the fence, you go and say to her directly, please stop moaning. Either eldest will come and play at yours or not at all.

Also just to add the sister bond is so important & it is incredible they play well together, many siblings don't! I wouldn't let any child get in the way... You know the saying "two's company, threes a crowd", you need to nurture the sibling bond that's there... That girl needs to learn bounderies.

Have you considered nailing/securing the fence in place so the only way the girl can come to yours is if the parents walk her round? Then if she's bugging you say "ask your parents to walk you round"

Once they've walked round, greet them at the door with a breezy "Hiya, I know your daughter likes to come over everyday and bugs us until we concede (tinkly laugh) but we're not hosting today, so do you want to take DC1 back to yours or shall we give it a miss today?"

Then you either get the other parents to take their turn or you've been very clear to both the girl and her parents that she's not coming over today.

If the girl keeps bugging, tell her EVERY time that she needs to get her parents to walk her round. Then either let her in, if you're happy to have her, or turn them away. Eventually the parents will come to the fence to check if she's actually invited or not before walking round and you can explain that she's inviting herself and you'd rather she left you in peace.

You'll need to put your big girl pants on to pull this off, but if it saves your summer (& sanity) it'll be worth it.

She’s not over every day, it’s not that bad. She seems to be out a lot herself to be honest. At first it was all very exciting for them all but just lately my youngest doesn’t want her over at all and that’s why it’s become a problem. I really don’t want to adapt what we do to try and avoid her though, which I’ve found myself contemplating lately and that is what made me realise I just need to be firmer with her and with my eldest.

I’m not sure I can nail the fence as it’s technically their fence, not sure where I stand with that, we even have a big bush in front of it which the girl crawls through!

You can put a small nail in to secure it. Or better still you can buy fencing wedges to stop them moving.

Fence Panel Wedges Grips Stops Banging Rattling Noise Stoppers Pack of 10 amzn.eu/d/a8JunAC

It's obviously needing fixing it it keeps lifting.

Who would know apart from the little girl trying to get through?

Then her parents have to walk her to your house. You can speak to them in person.

I think this is the most sensible option. It will stop her behaviour quickly as it's inconvenient for the parents.

Could the youngest be jealous that this new girl is stealing her big sister away?

Thanks but I feel uneasy about that, they know she can get through the fence and if they saw I’ve put wedges there and nails in and stuff, I don’t know, I think I’d rather just be straight with them but I’ll just be firmer with the girl and with my DD1 first and see how that goes.

@SaharaSahara yes absolutely this is a big part of it I’m sure. They were playing so nicely with all their dolls etc in the garden this morning and my heart broke a little bit for my youngest when the neighbour started calling at the fence and my eldest ran over.

@UnagiForLife seems like your eldest is thriving in this new friendship which is important to accommodate as well as younger childs feelings. You don’t want to let young one feel pushed out but also want to let eldest enjoy new friendship without feeling like she’s being pulled from both directions. I think eldest needs to be encouraged to go to new friends garden more so young one still has her own space and doesn’t feel like her garden is being intruded by new girl who she’s not so keen on. This should manage the tension and upset.

Putting in fence wedges is easily explained re not wanting people burglars easily able to move between gardens. Stick up for your youngest, speak to the parents of the neighbouring child, they appear to be taking advantage of your willingness to provide free childcare to the detriment of your younger dd.

I get that because the gardens back onto each other and you have to walk a couple of streets to get to them it's a bit of a faff to go round and talk to the parents. But TBH, I'm getting a reluctance over and above the faff from you.

Yes, it will be a little awkward, because on one level you are criticising their parenting (daughter always alone in the garden, parents never seem aware etc.) but really - get on with it! The only way this situation is going to be resolved is when the adults are the ones driving it, not this little girl and your daughters.

You need to be clear with them that you and your daughters are not their unofficial unpaid childcare. If she wants her daughter to come round - reciprocity is required. They need to offer playdates at their house, supervised by them. And they need to fix that fence (or you will nail it shut).

"I am pretty sure my eldest isn’t particularly fussed about playing with her but she just finds it really uncomfortable listening to her begging on the other side of the fence and trying to ignore it is really uncomfortable for her."
This is important. Your eldest is being manipulated here, and although it shows her basic kindness you do NOT want your daughter trained to be a People Pleaser. There's enough adults on this site who are all to aware of the detriment being a PP has had on their lives. You need to reinforce to her that she matters too, and just because someone wants something from her, she can say no. It's an important lesson for girls, saying no.

Of course you can nail down the fence your side so that it can't be lifted
That's totally allowed if it doesn't damage the fence their side

No way should their Dd be lifting fence to enter your garden , it's imperative she doesn't
Also I beg you stop being adult polite -be adult grumpy

"(Name of child) stop calling over our fence we have said no, so go back home or I will tell your mummy, we don't want a play date , x and y are playing together. I have said no to visitors . Go back home to mum"