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Original poster

Awkward how to manage child always wanting to come over

114 replies

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 16:14

I have 2 early primary aged DDs and despite being very different in character they get along and play really nicely together most of the time.

We are surrounded by lots of houses, recently a new family bought one of the houses and their garden borders ours. They have a little girl who is right in the middle of my two DDs ages and they got friendly talking over the fence at first and eventually the little girl started asking if she could play in our garden, which was fine with me and lovely I thought for the little girl who is an only child.

The trouble is the novelty has now worn off for my youngest DD. She is not as sociable as my older DD and likes time to herself or just playing with her big sister. The other child is lovely but can be a bit bossy. My eldest is laid back and doesn’t mind too much but my youngest can’t stand it.

This morning my two were playing really nicely and the other girl heard and started asking to come over. My youngest got upset and said she didn’t want her to come over. My oldest really wanted her to come over and kept going over to the fence to talk to her. This is a common story.

I’m torn. The girl is very persistent and if I say no she just stays by the fence pestering my eldest to get me to change my mind. To be honest I don’t mind her coming over, if only they would all play nicely, but that’s not the case as my youngest isn’t happy when she’s over.

This morning I suggested my oldest went over to play there but the little girl only wants to play in our garden. In the end I gave in and she’s been here most of the day. My eldest is playing nicely with her but my youngest has been whiny and hard work all day as a result.

I’m going to go out tomorrow to avoid the issue but I can’t do that all summer holidays as it’ll be expensive and we love days at home so it’s a shame.

How do I handle this?

OP posts:
Original poster
UnagiForLife · 02/08/2022 18:36

Thank you yes we’ve been out all day and haven’t had this situation again today but I have every intention of taking all the advice on here and being firm with this girl in future. I know I have been rubbish, I do feel really awful. Trouble is I’m a people pleaser and my eldest is so like me. I find it incredibly hard to say no to people, so much so I’m getting therapy for it! I really need to hear all that you’re all saying though so once again thank you. I have worn loads of notes with quotes from this thread so that next time I’m in this situation I will look at them to give me strength.

OP posts:
User48751490 · 02/08/2022 19:17

Two words ...not today.

User48751490 · 02/08/2022 19:20

And fix your fence panel if you want peace from her breaking into your garden.

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Families
georgarina · 02/08/2022 19:55

How old is this girl?
It sounds like she might be neglected by her parents.
I would have a conversation with them about not being able to have her over, and ask them to distract her so she's not just on her own wanting to play.

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 03/08/2022 07:04

@georgarina She’s six and I wouldn’t say she’s neglected but I don’t get the impression she’s very happy at home. Her parents work hard, she is an only child and on her own a lot when she is clearly a sociable child who likes company. I have a lot of empathy for her hearing my children having fun in the garden and I would have no problem with her joining in if they’d all get along.

OP posts:
georgarina · 03/08/2022 07:28

That sounds very sad for her.
I think everyone saying "build the fence higher, tell her to go away" is being quite cold and cruel when we are talking about a lonely ignored 6 year old who sees happy children playing right next to her.
It's like laying a buffet out next to a starving child and everyone saying "just shoo her away."

Of course it's not your responsibility and your own children come first, but as a child I was that 6 year old who was "shooed away" because it was nobody else's problem. So just something to keep in mind.

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 03/08/2022 07:37

@georgarina it is very much in my mind and why I have found it so difficult to tell her no and then once she’s over here I find it so difficult to tell her it’s time to go home when she doesn’t want to and she ends up staying all day. I know my responsibility is to my own children but I really feel for this little girl and that’s why it’s such a dilemma. I just wish they’d all get along.

OP posts:
georgarina · 03/08/2022 07:48

Can you have a conversation with her parents? Just explain to them that you can't always have her over but she seems quite lonely/in need of interaction? Their responses might tell you a lot - if someone said this to me I would be mortified and definitely change my behaviour. Maybe they think they can just "put her out to play," but the reality is that she needs more than that.

If they're really not receptive could you maybe get her a little toy or activity and say this is for her to play with when she can't play with the children? Of course not your responsibility again but just some simple kindness which goes such a long way - if her parents really aren't bothered she could remember something like that her whole life.

shrunkenhead · 03/08/2022 08:00

Move house.....

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 03/08/2022 08:01

Yes I need to have a conversation with her parents really, I just need to choose my words carefully as I don’t want to seem like I’m criticising them. Anything we have given to this little girl in the past she comes straight back and tells us she’s not allowed to keep it so not sure they’d appreciate us giving her anything. But I will always be kind to this girl, kind but firmer in future.

OP posts:
Sowearyofitall8876 · 03/08/2022 08:07

I think I would tell the little girl something like « if the football is on this big flowerpot you are welcome to come and play and if it isn’t my two girls are having a day playing by themselves »

awwbiscuits · 03/08/2022 08:10

I have a very similar problem. I end up in charge of 2 extra children and am v pregnant. Have stopped it now because I need a break and patents are actually taking kids out in the day instead of ignoring them. Awful feeling knowing if they hear dd in the garden the persuading will start. I'll say 'not today' and the eldest next door will say 'WHY NOT??' Angry

Sowearyofitall8876 · 03/08/2022 08:17

UnimpeachableBravery · 01/08/2022 18:19

So you'd rather one of your kids felt uncomfortable in her home rather than say no to a neighbours kid?

A little hyperbolic surely?

Yes it’s important to learn how to set boundaries and not be manipulated.

Call me old-fashioned but it’s also important to model kindness and doing something lovely for someone else every so often.

You need to be firm so it’s not every day and put some controls on it. Tues mornings only or something!

But this is one little girl, one summer, it’s not a permanent situation. I am sure the op’s daughters feel comfortable in their home 99 per cent of the time. It’s not a disaster if they feel discomfort very occasionally ; it’s through these sorts of situations that we learn.

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 03/08/2022 08:20

@Sowearyofitall8876 that’s actually a brilliant idea.

OP posts:
easyday · 03/08/2022 08:33

If it's a pain to go round next time the girl is at the fence ask her to get one of her parents. Then you can say what you need to.
@awwbiscuits I'd be saying that fallback phrase: 'because I said so'.

awwbiscuits · 03/08/2022 08:37

@easyday ah. I did say that, and got the response 'that's not a real reason' - I walked off after that!!

silverboggle · 03/08/2022 09:17

To be honest I’d definitely fix the fence. For all you know she may be popping through and using your garden even when you’re out- especially if you have better garden toys! And it’s simple security for your house fixing it- really doesn’t need to be interpreted as hostile.

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 03/08/2022 09:53

@silverboggle very good point. I’m such a wimp though, from their side they can very clearly see the fence, they just leave the broken panel open all the time so it will be very obvious if I’m closing it, for us it’s behind a bush. My DH and I have wondered if she comes in when we’re not there but we pack away all the garden toys in a locked shed when we’re out so it wouldn’t really be very fun.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnagiForLife · 03/08/2022 10:04

I just remembered once my eldest asked me if it was ok if the little girl came into our garden if her parents were shouting at her and she was scared. I said she should not come into our garden without asking us and telling her parents where she was going first but it did worry me.

OP posts:
anonforthis87 · 03/08/2022 10:05

Could it be a case of the girl's parents not letting her invite other children over? My mother was like that because she was ashamed we were house poor compared to the neighbours, I could never reciprocate and over time all my friends stopped inviting me.

CoastalWave · 03/08/2022 10:08

We've got this with a boy up the road. He knocked on yesterday and I just said sorry DS isn't in (he was)

You have to simply put your foot down or else it will get completely out of hand!

No, not today. X can come to yours if you like though?

That's all you need to say.

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 03/08/2022 10:18

@anonforthis87 it could be but to be honest I think it’s more that we have a bigger garden and house and the little girl prefers to play in ours, that’s what my eldest told me a”when I said next time they want to play it will have to be at their house.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 03/08/2022 11:30

UnagiForLife · 03/08/2022 10:04

I just remembered once my eldest asked me if it was ok if the little girl came into our garden if her parents were shouting at her and she was scared. I said she should not come into our garden without asking us and telling her parents where she was going first but it did worry me.

This is very concerning that she is scared of her parents.

Anothernamechangeplease · 03/08/2022 11:45

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 18:55

It’s so difficult having one introverted and one introverted child, one makes friends wherever we go and loves to play with other children. The other clings to me for dear life and unless she has her sister to herself she just moans and says she wants to go home. I try to play with her and keep her entertained for as long as I can so her sister can enjoy herself but it’s exhausting.

I think it's absolutely fine to say no to this other child if you don't want her to come round. Stand firm and make it clear that you aren't going to change your mind. And talk to her parents if she won't let it drop. She needs to learn that she can't just insist on getting invited over.

Having said that, I don't think that's your main issue, really. The real problem is how you manage the relationship between your dds and their differing wants and needs. Your older dd is extroverted and loves to play with other kids. Your younger dc is more introverted and clearly wants her big sister to herself. From what you've said, this is a wider issue than just this child next-door.

Of course, it's reasonable to expect the older child to spend some time with her younger sister, but the younger one needs to understand that she doesn't have a right to monopolise her older sister's time. There is a very real danger that your older child will stay to resent her younger sister for cramping her style and getting in the way of her other friendships. That isn't fair, and it will only get harder as they get older and the older one wants to spend more time with her own friends. Siblings aren't responsible for each other's happiness. What are you doing to support your younger dc to develop her social skills and/or get better at entertaining herself independently?

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 03/08/2022 13:03

@Anothernamechangeplease Yes it is a challenge. To be fair my youngest has made a few friends at school this year and plays nicely with other children when she likes them and wants to play. She is also pretty good at playing independently so I’m not overly worried. She just hasn’t taken to this particular girl and tends to be more standoffish with new people until she’s made up her mind about them and she has a strong personality and knows what she wants, so she won’t be pushed around whereas my other daughter is very friendly and easygoing. If you have any tips and suggestions or strategies please share though.

OP posts: