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Original poster

Awkward how to manage child always wanting to come over

114 replies

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 16:14

I have 2 early primary aged DDs and despite being very different in character they get along and play really nicely together most of the time.

We are surrounded by lots of houses, recently a new family bought one of the houses and their garden borders ours. They have a little girl who is right in the middle of my two DDs ages and they got friendly talking over the fence at first and eventually the little girl started asking if she could play in our garden, which was fine with me and lovely I thought for the little girl who is an only child.

The trouble is the novelty has now worn off for my youngest DD. She is not as sociable as my older DD and likes time to herself or just playing with her big sister. The other child is lovely but can be a bit bossy. My eldest is laid back and doesn’t mind too much but my youngest can’t stand it.

This morning my two were playing really nicely and the other girl heard and started asking to come over. My youngest got upset and said she didn’t want her to come over. My oldest really wanted her to come over and kept going over to the fence to talk to her. This is a common story.

I’m torn. The girl is very persistent and if I say no she just stays by the fence pestering my eldest to get me to change my mind. To be honest I don’t mind her coming over, if only they would all play nicely, but that’s not the case as my youngest isn’t happy when she’s over.

This morning I suggested my oldest went over to play there but the little girl only wants to play in our garden. In the end I gave in and she’s been here most of the day. My eldest is playing nicely with her but my youngest has been whiny and hard work all day as a result.

I’m going to go out tomorrow to avoid the issue but I can’t do that all summer holidays as it’ll be expensive and we love days at home so it’s a shame.

How do I handle this?

OP posts:
britneyisfree · 01/08/2022 18:18

You've not mentioned her parents, where are they in all this?

UnimpeachableBravery · 01/08/2022 18:19

So you'd rather one of your kids felt uncomfortable in her home rather than say no to a neighbours kid?

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 18:21

Thanks everyone I take on board all you have said. The difficulty really is that my eldest wants her over it’ll or at least finds it very difficult to ignore this girl when she’s at the fence making a fuss wanting to come over. I have on many occasions said no and stuck to it. My eldest gets very distressed and I have to just keep telling her to come away from the fence and ignore her which she finds really stressful so I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Of course my daughter’s feelings are more important to me than the neighbours child’s feelings but which daughter do I choose?!

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CallmeAngelina · 01/08/2022 18:25

It is OK to say no to kids, you know!
I am a teacher of this sort of age and you need to be pleasantly firm. "Sorry, lovey, but I've said no for today and I'm not going to change my mind. My girls are playing with each other today."
And perhaps, "Please move away from our fence now. DD1 could perhaps come over to yours to play in a day or two. We will let you know."

MichelleScarn · 01/08/2022 18:29

Both issues could be solved by eldest and neighbour going to play in her garden? They'd play together and younger dd wouldn't have neighbour in her space?

MrsToadflax · 01/08/2022 18:30

Where are the girl's parents? There is no way I'd let my DC stand by the fence pestering next door. They must know what she's doing. Maybe pop round. Also, she needs to learn to reciprocate. She can't just play in your garden, she has to learn to take turns and have your DD over to hers. I would also plant a high hedge or something, to make it more difficult to communicate. I feel for you - this would be my worst nightmare!

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 18:34

Her parents are either inside listening to music or watching TV as they don’t seem to hear. Either that or they’re ignoring it and waiting for me to break.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 01/08/2022 18:35

Why on earth aren’t you discussing this with her parents? It’s their child who’s causing the problem.

wellhelloitsme · 01/08/2022 18:35

Why can't you just explain the situation to her parents, your next door neighbours?

Say your DDs are fond of (little girl next door), especially your eldest, but that it's overwhelming for your youngest to have someone over so much as she needs alone time and time with her big sister just the two of them, so could they please back you up when you say 'not today' to their daughter?

Say it in a bright and breezy but firm way and then leave it up to them. Maybe say that at some point in the holidays your oldest would love to come over so that they aren't always in your garden.

Surely it doesn't need to be a huge deal? No need for a fall out or big awkwardness.

Your responsibility is to your own kids, not another child who is on the face of it just not taking no for an answer.

A valuable lesson to her (I want doesn't get), to your oldest daughter (compromise is a healthy thing) and to your younger daughter (if I tell mum something makes me uncomfortable or overwhelmed, she listens and helps me).

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 18:38

@CallmeAngelina I’ve literally written what you told me to say and stuck it on my fridge. That is what I’ll say. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 18:40

@wellhelloitsme thank you that has really helped too. If I don’t get anywhere with talking to the child myself I will have a word with her parents.

OP posts:
Wartywart · 01/08/2022 18:47

It's sad really - years ago any child who wanted to play would just go out into the street where all the other children who wanted to play would be, and those who didn't want to play/weren't allowed to play would stay home and these kind of issues wouldn't happen. But nowadays, for obvious safeguarding reasons, we no longer let our children out to play. I wish we lived in a safe world, for everyone.

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 18:53

Totally are @Wartywart

OP posts:
Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 18:53

Totally agree @Wartywart

OP posts:
lionsmane22 · 01/08/2022 18:55

Wartywart · 01/08/2022 18:47

It's sad really - years ago any child who wanted to play would just go out into the street where all the other children who wanted to play would be, and those who didn't want to play/weren't allowed to play would stay home and these kind of issues wouldn't happen. But nowadays, for obvious safeguarding reasons, we no longer let our children out to play. I wish we lived in a safe world, for everyone.

You might not. I do, and so does everyone else I know. My 8 year old is out on the green right now playing with all her friends from our estate.

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 18:55

It’s so difficult having one introverted and one introverted child, one makes friends wherever we go and loves to play with other children. The other clings to me for dear life and unless she has her sister to herself she just moans and says she wants to go home. I try to play with her and keep her entertained for as long as I can so her sister can enjoy herself but it’s exhausting.

OP posts:
Closedlips · 01/08/2022 18:55

We have this issue too with numerous neighbourhood kids as our garden fence is really low. I know what you mean because my husband has struggled with saying no as he feels like he needs a reason. When you give a straight no, but your kids continue to play in the garden, it can feel a bit mean. It's normal for kids from 4+ to roam the streets here so it's pretty much a daily occurrence keeping them out!

It's different saying no to sweets for breakfast, skiving school etc because there are clear reasons there. "I don't want random kids in my garden" sounds a bit harsh even though that's the truth of it.

My kids love having people in the garden but I just tell them that they'll be cleaning up the mess others have made and they soon change their mind.

I just do as others have suggested and give a breezy "not today, come back at x time".

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 18:56

Sorry one introverted and one extroverted child that was meant to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 18:59

Unfortunately I feel mine are too young to go out and play themselves at the moment and to be honest the thought terrifies me. They couldn’t play outside our house where I could see them as we live on a really busy road and the nearest park is across several busy roads.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/08/2022 19:04

I think where you have one introverted and one extroverted it’s sensible to take quiet days and social days at home in turn. So if the little girl was over yesterday ensure that today she isn’t over, either your other DD can go to hers or they can wait and play another day. If you’ve had a quiet day where she’s not been round then the next day it’s okay to invite her over if your elder DD wants her to. But in that case I would still instil some boundaries and ensure that after a few hours she goes home again, don’t let her stay literally all day.

On days where you’re out of the house I wouldn’t count it as a day. So if she was over yesterday and you’re out today, tomorrow is a quiet day where she doesn’t come over. That way there are an equal number of days at home where elder DD gets to play and days at home where younger DD gets time to herself.

itsgettingweird · 01/08/2022 19:30

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 17:44

The little girl really only wants to play in our garden.

Yes but your youngest really doesn't want her there.

Please don't out this girls needs above your little DDs.

It's fine for 2 days to come round, 2 days of no neighbour and 2 days your dd goes there over a week.

It's probably time to bring out the phrase "which part of no didn't you understand?"

SlickShady · 01/08/2022 19:39

BTDT. I find firm boundaries coupled with kindness works best. There really is no need to 'just say no', when you can just as easily say something like, sorry but it's becoming a bit too much. We're only going to have you round on tues and fri, and only if there are no fights.

AlohaMolly · 01/08/2022 19:52

I’m echoing @CallmeAngelina ! I was a primary teacher, now I’m a one to one in a school. It seems like there’s some sort of social awkwardness around adults speaking firmly to children that aren’t theirs, but if the children are school aged then they are well used to being given explicit rules and expected to adhere to them.

DP, DS6 and I recently went on a camping holiday with a family DP vaguely knows, who have a DS5 and a DD2. On the campsite there was also a 5 yo boy and a 7 yo girl that wanted to hang out too. We had a tent and everyone else had a motorhome, so all the children wanted to run in and out of the tent and in and out of the rooms. The other parents looked fondly on as their kids trampled all over our stuff and DP was getting angsty as the 5yo repeatedly rode his bike up close to our tent/guy ropes etc.

I stood up and said ‘right ladies and gentleman, this is our tent and not a playground. I don’t want anyone playing in or near it, does everyone understand?’ And eyeballed them all with a smile until they all answered. Job done.

admittedly, if any of them had been so inclined, they would have kicked off or caused more trouble but most kids do as they’re told if you make it clear you mean business. You don’t have to be mean at all, just firm. Don’t ask, don’t plead, don’t suggest alternatives or make promises. Weigh up whether you want to feel uncomfortable while you’re doing it or whether you want to spend the whole holidays hiding from her/making younger DD upset. Absolutely send older DD over and ignore the other girls protests. She has to play in her r own garden!

good luck OP, I hate situations like this.

Oblomov22 · 01/08/2022 19:55

FFS just stand firm and just say no!

sauceyorange · 01/08/2022 20:00

To be honest it doesn't sound like either of your kids are that keen. Is your eldest giving in because she finds it stressful to say no? If so, all the more reason to model firm but nice boundary-setting for her. Girls too easily are taught to put others first, you need to show her it's ok to think about herself

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