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Original poster

Awkward how to manage child always wanting to come over

114 replies

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 16:14

I have 2 early primary aged DDs and despite being very different in character they get along and play really nicely together most of the time.

We are surrounded by lots of houses, recently a new family bought one of the houses and their garden borders ours. They have a little girl who is right in the middle of my two DDs ages and they got friendly talking over the fence at first and eventually the little girl started asking if she could play in our garden, which was fine with me and lovely I thought for the little girl who is an only child.

The trouble is the novelty has now worn off for my youngest DD. She is not as sociable as my older DD and likes time to herself or just playing with her big sister. The other child is lovely but can be a bit bossy. My eldest is laid back and doesn’t mind too much but my youngest can’t stand it.

This morning my two were playing really nicely and the other girl heard and started asking to come over. My youngest got upset and said she didn’t want her to come over. My oldest really wanted her to come over and kept going over to the fence to talk to her. This is a common story.

I’m torn. The girl is very persistent and if I say no she just stays by the fence pestering my eldest to get me to change my mind. To be honest I don’t mind her coming over, if only they would all play nicely, but that’s not the case as my youngest isn’t happy when she’s over.

This morning I suggested my oldest went over to play there but the little girl only wants to play in our garden. In the end I gave in and she’s been here most of the day. My eldest is playing nicely with her but my youngest has been whiny and hard work all day as a result.

I’m going to go out tomorrow to avoid the issue but I can’t do that all summer holidays as it’ll be expensive and we love days at home so it’s a shame.

How do I handle this?

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 01/08/2022 17:26

I was going to say "just say no" but as your eldest enjoys her company it's not black and white is it?

I think you will have to talk to both your daughters and decide between you all what you are happy with or what you can all compromise on. Agree for instance how many times roughly, a week that you will let her come over. Then everyone knows where they are. Not to tell the neighbour (!) but just so your girls know what's happening.

It's a shame that your youngest isn't happy isn't it? I would also be more forceful about your eldest going to this girl's house sometimes if you think that would help.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 01/08/2022 17:34

Can you get a higher fence?

SequinsandStilettos · 01/08/2022 17:35

Where's the other parent during all this?
Reciprocity is not unreasonable and then you could do something with the youngest, just the two of you.
Alternative is telling eldest not to cave.

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justasmalltownmum · 01/08/2022 17:36

I would say to my oldest sometimes is ok. But not everyday.

NuffSaidSam · 01/08/2022 17:36

Be firm and don't give in, 'no, sorry you can't come over today'. Repeat as necessary both to the neighbours child and your eldest.

Let her come over as often as is convenient to you. Maybe organise for a friend to come over and play with the youngest as well. Or plan to be doing something with youngest while the eldest has her friend over.

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 17:38

It is a shame really. I’m inclined to just let her come over as the alternative seems to be her standing by the fence trying to get my eldest’a attention. I’ve tried reaching some kind of agreement with my DDs about how often she can come over but the problem is my youngest never wants her over. My eldest would be fine with her coming over less I think but it’s awkward when I say no and the little girl won’t give up, she just waits by the fence trying to get our attention and convince me to change my mind.

OP posts:
smileandsing · 01/08/2022 17:38

Perhaps they can take it in turns with whose garden they play in. That way they can still enjoy eachother's company but your youngest (and you) get a break from them playing in your garden all the time.
From experience other kids parents assume you're alright with it unless you say no or send your kids to their house sometimes.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/08/2022 17:38

I think stay firm that she can’t come over but that your eldest can go and play at hers if they both want, don’t give in and let her come into your garden every time, it’s not fair on your youngest who needs her own space and time to decompress.

Or at the very least insist they take it in turns, so a day where they play in your garden and then the next day when your younger DD needs a break from socialising they can either go to the little girls or take a break from each other. Having her in your space every day isn’t fair on your more introverted DD.

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 17:40

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon the height of the fence isn’t the issue, she can’t see over it but she just stands there making noises trying get attention.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/08/2022 17:40

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 17:38

It is a shame really. I’m inclined to just let her come over as the alternative seems to be her standing by the fence trying to get my eldest’a attention. I’ve tried reaching some kind of agreement with my DDs about how often she can come over but the problem is my youngest never wants her over. My eldest would be fine with her coming over less I think but it’s awkward when I say no and the little girl won’t give up, she just waits by the fence trying to get our attention and convince me to change my mind.

If she knows eventually you’ll give in she’ll keep pestering. You need to not give in and just stay firm with, ‘No, you came over into our garden last time. It’s your turn to invite Elder DD over today if you want to play.’ Once she realises that you can’t be worn down she will either give up pestering and go away or invite your DDs to hers.

Chamomileteaplease · 01/08/2022 17:41

Well if the child is rude enough not to take no for an answer that's awful!

I would also be far more keen to ensure that my own daughter (your youngest) was happy than some random neighbour!

If you are firm with your No and stick to it she will get the message but you have to be consistent. I would even have a word with her mum and ask her to not let the child hassle you if you have said no.

Mrsjayy · 01/08/2022 17:41

Is there not a parent around .they are obviously hearing this and not bothering 🤔 I'd send the eldest over to theirs to play if they Want to.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/08/2022 17:41

"This morning I suggested my oldest went over to play there but the little girl only wants to play in our garden."
Probably a good time for her to learn that it's not just about what she wants - others (such as your youngest) have wants too. I'd have a chat with her mother, arrange for eldest to go round and play there sometimes, for her to come round to you sometimes, and for sometimes your daughters to be left playing together uninterrupted.

Bonheurdupasse · 01/08/2022 17:42

Why can't your eldest go over to hers - have you tried to find out? It does sound like you're being used as free childcare.

Original poster
UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 17:44

The little girl really only wants to play in our garden.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 01/08/2022 17:44

We have a similar situation. The girl is lovely but we actually feel a bit stalked by her now, she watches for the car and if we say we're going out she asks where and when we'll be back etc. Shes only 7 so she doesn't really get the subtle approach. Her parents don't seem to give a shit where she is and I think they encourage her to go to neighbours houses as a form of free childcare. She's knocked on our door at 9pm before, my children are all in bed at that time and she's out in the street.

My children have never knocked on her door once, so there is no reciprocation, and often the eldest (who is the same age as her) will tell me to send her away. If we say we're busy or just heading out she just kind of stares at you. I've literally ignored the door when she's has knocked before and I'm wfh and can't be arsed with the third degree, which is ridiculous given that she is 7 and I am 42!

It's not really an easy thing to raise with her parents, we don't really know them and I don't want to make anything awkward as they live next door. I feel your pain OP but we now generally just say we're having dinner or going out!

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 01/08/2022 17:47

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 17:44

The little girl really only wants to play in our garden.

Time for her to learn that isn’t the way the world works…

Goldbar · 01/08/2022 17:47

It sounds like everyone would be happier if you set some boundaries and made them clear. If your eldest likes playing with this girl, I'd say she could come round one specified day a week during the holidays and your DD could go over to hers another day of the week. But that's it...you'll be busy doing other stuff or having down time the rest of the time. Then you can just say to her, "sorry it's not Tuesday" or whatever.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/08/2022 17:48

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 17:44

The little girl really only wants to play in our garden.

But you’re the adult, you’re allowed to say no! Lots of children only want to eat ice cream and want to stay home from school but that doesn’t mean as adults we need to let them. Of course she only wants to play in your garden as that’s obviously going to be more exciting than playing in her own, but it’s getting to the point now where it’s impacting negatively on your own DD. Why are you putting the wants and whims of this child above your own removing your DD’s right to a private space and some downtime from socialising? You just need to make the choice clear that she can either invite your DDs to hers or choose not to play with them today and the stand firm in saying no when she asks to come over rather than giving in and placing this child above your own. What kind of mother does that?

SparklingLime · 01/08/2022 17:52

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 17:44

The little girl really only wants to play in our garden.

And your youngest really doesn’t want her to. Where are your priorities?

TeeBee · 01/08/2022 17:55

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 17:44

The little girl really only wants to play in our garden.

Tough shit for her then. Just say 'sorry, not today. You can come 10-12 on Thursday [for example]'. Then she has the option of inviting your eldest to hers or nothing. You need to be firm with her. If you don't, you'll be doing this dance all summer.

WudYouSayItInRealLife · 01/08/2022 18:00

The girl persists whining because you give into her.
You need to decide what you want then let the girl know.

It's silly of you to have allowed her to stay for most of the day. You need to talk to her and tell her when to leave. I'd also tell her not to bug you from behind the fence

yellowcarpetflair · 01/08/2022 18:10

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 17:44

The little girl really only wants to play in our garden.

That's where you need to say tough tbh. Your eldest needs to go over there as much as the other girl is coming to yours - for your youngest sake. Or nip it in the bud totally.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/08/2022 18:12

UnagiForLife · 01/08/2022 17:44

The little girl really only wants to play in our garden.

So what? Your responsibility is to your own kids, not anyone else’s.

My kids would like to never go to school and eat chocolate all day. I want 10 million pounds and a beach but. Just because you want something, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen,

DorritLittle · 01/08/2022 18:14

I sympathise but you need to have strong boundaries and stick to them, and perhaps talk to the parent of the child.

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