I feel like I’ve failed financially because it’s now ground to a halt

[reoyl]

Not sure where the best place is for this but I am feeling massively insecure and I KNOW this is all material stuff but it’s engulfing me.

I bought a nice house a year ago, I’ve got around 40 pc equity in it, bought for 460. I have credit cards of 5k and will still be paying off my student loan for another year. I became a single parent recently (not married) and now I’m facing childcare etc ive realised that this is where it ends for me realistically. I have gone down to 3.5 days a week and my salary pays the mortgage and leaves me around 150 a month to save…I’ve never lived like that before and so obviously I won’t be upgrading the house or getting a new car anytime soon.

I worked massively hard in my twenties/early 30s and I feel like it was all for nothing. its embarrassing that I have the job I do and I can’t just nip off on holiday, the best is the family holiday home in the Lakes and that will literally be the place me and DC for the foreseeable. I feel like I’ve let them down.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I guess at my age I thought I would have done better and now it’s all come to a halt and won’t improve. Ex should be paying maintenance which would help being able to free up some money but he isn’t around and hasn’t talked about it… I’m jealous really that he gets to pursue his career and carry on while my life grinds to a halt on that way. Just feeling really shit and too embarrassed to talk to friends.

Have you contacted CMS ?

And a holiday in the Lakes every year is more than I got as a child.
You need to find some positivity 💐

@KangarooKenny yeah I have today, been thinking about it all

@JosephineGH i feel pushed out though. Promotions etc ive has to step back. Ex hasn’t and can’t even pay.

I just see friends in 700k plus houses and I’m 34 tomorrow and just feel like I’ve failed on these fronts. I know money isn’t everything but what was the point in working like I did.

Comparison is the thief of joy - up your hours to full time if you want more holidays or whatever.

you'll never be happy if you think happiness is a 700k house.

I kind of understand you , OP. I am on a single wage and providing a home when just one adult is earning means that money doesn't go as far as when two adults are. So, you look around you at others is similar homes and they are changing cars and holidaying etc and just seem to have so much more disposable income when your single wage just keeps you and your family afloat. Plus, you are often paying more tax when a wage comes from 1 person than the equivalent split out into 2 wages.

But:

• you really don't know how others fund their lifestyles
• there is a lot to proud of in simply providing a nice, safe home for you child to grow up in
• holidays in the Lakes are genuinely lovely - think of it as providing a foundation for a love of nature and outdoors for your child; something that will bring them added mental and physical health when they are older
• comparison really is the thief of joy. You have a half million pound house that you own 40% of outright. That is not a bad position to be in, at all. Don't let comparisons rob you of enjoying that.

Oh, andcontact CMS. You ex paying for his child is not optional - he doesn't just get to swan off and leave all responsibility behind.

My heart bleeds for you that the only holiday you'll get will be 'the family holiday home in the Lakes'

I'm so sorry after working hard you're only in a house worth 460k and able to save a little bit each month, must be awful, I'd never understand seeing as after my divorce iv ended up renting a two bed flat which costs so much I can't afford to save anything most months, at least I don't have to deal with the shame of my friends having much more expensive houses hey

This thread hasn’t meant to offend anyone. I personally feel like I’ve failed in my circle of friends that’s all. I’m not saying things are terrible it’s just not how I imagined. Xx

You need to get a firm grip of reality. You're in a very fortunate position. Don't be so hard on yourself.

You need new friends.
Or at the very least you need to change your expectations and the way you judge yourself and presumably others.
You are coming across as very materialistic and judgemental
Many of us work really hard and can't even to aspire to what you have and consider inferior

You do realise many people are in a much much worse position and perhaps you should think a bit more positive . Life is tough for everyone atm and the fact you’ve got your own home , a chance of a holiday , wherever it is and a job that pays well , I think you’re winning at life right now . Some people are not so fortunate ..:

You really needed to focus on some positives and stop wallowing in a merry go round of self pity.

You have a mortgage, a good job (go full time?) you have a child, you have access to a family home in the lakes. More than many people. Less than many people.

Pursue ex for money, he really has to step up. Is he having your children some of the time, if not why not? He hasn't talked about it because you have let him get away with not!!! Where is your fire for getting what you are owed????

You've been dealt your hand and these are your cards, it's up to you to make it work. Really, your cup is more than half full.

Make the best of them.

I have just increased my work in hours to go back full-time for the first time in 10 years in order to give us more financial security.

I think YABU to feel that you’ve failed in any way. In the current climate, so many people are really struggling and would consider what you have to be pretty perfect.

I suppose what I’m saying is yes it’s nice and house is nice but that’s it now… realistically I will be in this always, or similar. If that makes sense. A 460k house in 20 years will be very different. I just feel I’ve messed up along the way.

agree I need to get CM but that’s for DC which I would save for them.

I think you should frame your life more positively if for no other reason than you have a child who will pick up on your outlook. Obviously you know that you are extremely lucky i n your life so why would you be equating income with happiness? Presumably you wouldn't want your child to think like that. Mindfulness might help you.

Your children will grow up and you'll be able to refocus on your career if that's what you want.

Your current situation isn't your permanent state.

When I think of where I was 20 years ago - I would never have guessed half the things (good and bad) that happened to me in that time, or where I'd be now.

Just because you cannot see what might happen in the next 20 years, doesn't mean nothing will. Apart from anything else, you'll be 54 and may be starting to think about wanting a smaller house with less upkeep by then...

Or you may have won the lottery. Or gone back to work full time and been promoted. Or got fed up of your current profession and found your way into a another. Or any of the upteen possibilities.

Or you may have lernt how to stop judging success by house price and be perfectly happy in your current home.

I think you might need to give your head a bit of a wobble!

Some have worked hard all their lives, but due to circumstances beyond their control never been able to get above a minimum wage job, or have never been able to rise far enough in their career for one reason or another, or whatever, to be able to even afford a £450k house, or a holiday home in the lakes, or even a nice car, let alone all three of those things.

I consider you very lucky, maybe you should do the same? You are not going without, neither are your dc, there are people in real poverty, you are not.

Get the child maintenance application in today, there is nothing to discuss with your Ex it is simply an admin task.

The first couple of years of being single is always an adjustment, focus on paying off your credit cards and student loan. I

f the credit cards are at a high apr maybe think about paying them off with a low interest loan and taking out a large enough amount to subsidise childcare. That way you have one regular payment and childcare does not last for forever.
Once your children are older you can step up for promotions etc if you are unhappy doing so now.

Instead of looking at what your friends have, look at what you are achieving on your own. If your friends did not have successful partners they would probably be in the same position.

You really need to change the way you view your situation. And if your friends are thinking less of you, they're not your friends.