I feel like I’ve failed financially because it’s now ground to a halt

[reoyl]

Not sure where the best place is for this but I am feeling massively insecure and I KNOW this is all material stuff but it’s engulfing me.

I bought a nice house a year ago, I’ve got around 40 pc equity in it, bought for 460. I have credit cards of 5k and will still be paying off my student loan for another year. I became a single parent recently (not married) and now I’m facing childcare etc ive realised that this is where it ends for me realistically. I have gone down to 3.5 days a week and my salary pays the mortgage and leaves me around 150 a month to save…I’ve never lived like that before and so obviously I won’t be upgrading the house or getting a new car anytime soon.

I worked massively hard in my twenties/early 30s and I feel like it was all for nothing. its embarrassing that I have the job I do and I can’t just nip off on holiday, the best is the family holiday home in the Lakes and that will literally be the place me and DC for the foreseeable. I feel like I’ve let them down.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I guess at my age I thought I would have done better and now it’s all come to a halt and won’t improve. Ex should be paying maintenance which would help being able to free up some money but he isn’t around and hasn’t talked about it… I’m jealous really that he gets to pursue his career and carry on while my life grinds to a halt on that way. Just feeling really shit and too embarrassed to talk to friends.

I get it OP. Years ago my DH was made redundant, I was a SAHM and suddenly I was counting out rice portions for dinner. I had had a good career which I’d given up to be a SAHM and suddenly the savings were drying up and we were struggling.

I had a big house and DC in private school and felt really ashamed that I couldn’t make it work. We both felt that we’d failed as we watched friends live the lives we were expecting to live.

It’s true that comparison is the thief of joy but it’s a big shock to have your trajectory altered and it’s almost impossible not to think what if when you’re grieving your old life.

Eventually we were able to channel our disappointments and life is much better than we could have imagined back then but it was hard at the time.

The CM does not need to be saved for your DC it needs to be spent on them so that they do not go without. So put it towards your utilities if necessary or extracurriculars, expensive school trips etc. Theres no point in it going into a bank account when you need it for them now.

I think some posters are being a bit harsh. Just because the OP isn't on the breadline doesn't mean she can't be disappointed that life didn't go the way she has planned. OP, I understand. When I got divorced all the things I had planned were no longer possible. It took some time to adjust my thinking and appreciate what I had but also to realise that I had been given a great opportunity to do things my way. I no longer had to consider my awful ex in my life plans. I worked out what I wanted with the opportunities I had and I went off and built my new life. I have friends who are far more wealthy and successful than me but it's not relevant, I'm living the life I want. Just focus on yourself and your baby and what you want for the two of you. And definitely get your ex paying CMS!! You're grieving the life you had planned, but focus on the future, it will all work out.

You’re choosing to compare yourself to those people

i have never had lots of money but I grew up poor and see everything as a blessing

I love my home and everything I have

my child is loved and happy

these are the things that are important

But what’s the point in wallowing? Use the time and effort to improve your situation which in today’s age is extremely easy. The opportunities for innovation and advancement are huge. Try.

At 34 I had barely started. I was single, working campaign jobs and could hardly put one foot in front of the other. You've been on a fast trajectory, and that can make it harder when things change.

And if anyone should be embarrassed it's your ex.

Comparison steals joy. Look at what you do have.

Is she wallowing? It took me some months to grieve the life I thought I would have and move on. Its pretty unhealthy to just ignore your feelings, she needs to feel what she feels and work through this difficult phase. Healing takes time, let her have it!

Sorry was trying to respond to @Davyjones

The most sensible thing I've read on here for ages!

You need to go via CMS.

You aren't that badly off. But single parenting does put the brakes on things.

Let's face it, holidays in the Lakes are perfect with small children.

Why is your job embarrassing? I'm a single parent with a mortgage and work full time. How old is the child?

You are entitled to a 25pc discount from your council tax bill living as a single person

dont save child maintenance spend it on your child and holidays

what do you think is so special about your friends £700k homes other than the price tag.
I’m 57, a single parent, my home would probably fetch £200k on a good day. My best friend lives in house that would go for £900k to £1m . its a lovely house, they have three bathrooms, utility room and boot room, playroom, family den, big kitchen diner. They also have a massive mortgage and are miserable as sin in jobs they can’t leave because of the mortgage. More cleaning, more maintenance, I shudder to think about their energy bills this winter.
I prefer my small cost, one bath terrace.
Big expensive houses are not all they are cracked up to be.

I think what you have to do is to halve everything your married friends have, so eg if they have a £700K house, think of it as each of them having a £350K stake in it. You are then better off than them.

I wouldn't worry about holidays; you're lucky to have a family holiday home you can go to. Just make the most of it for the time being.

When your child goes to school you'll be able to increase your hours and you'll see a huge difference.

Get onto Child Maintenance - if I were you I'd be also asking the ex for 50% of childcare costs.

Gosh I can’t believe the people on here who expect you to be grateful just because they are nowhere near as successful as you!

It isn't it though is it? You're 34 and reeling from your first big setback. The time when you have small dc is very rarely a gala career time, it gets better.

You are your children's biggest asset - time with them is more important than trips abroad under secondary age at the very minimum. Just came back from a holiday in one of the most beautiful parts of Europe - kids did not notice the scenery and they could've been anywhere that had ice-cream and just as happy with us.

At my lowest point I didn’t have money for sanitary pads and had to steal toilet paper from work to stuff down my pants. I used to miss meals and feed my kids 7p noodles. We used to sit at the kitchen table and play board games we borrowed from the library. I’ve felt wracked with guilt about how awful it was but my daughter told me that this was the happiest time in her life as we were just together with no distractions. Kids want love and attention that’s it.

CMS isn't for your DC it's the NRP financial contribution to enable the RP to raise the joint child - to cover housing, clothing, feeding them, childcare, activities, holidays and so on.

Why would you save the CM for the dcs? It's to provide them with the childhood that apparently everyone else in your circle has - so use it for the foreign holidays, the luxury car and the swankier house.

And make sure the pity party ends soon. You have a nice house worth almost half a million, your health, a holiday, a car. You're choosing to work part time. They're luxuries many don't have.

You need better friends, people who appreciate you not what house you have