I feel like I’ve failed financially because it’s now ground to a halt

[reoyl]

Not sure where the best place is for this but I am feeling massively insecure and I KNOW this is all material stuff but it’s engulfing me.

I bought a nice house a year ago, I’ve got around 40 pc equity in it, bought for 460. I have credit cards of 5k and will still be paying off my student loan for another year. I became a single parent recently (not married) and now I’m facing childcare etc ive realised that this is where it ends for me realistically. I have gone down to 3.5 days a week and my salary pays the mortgage and leaves me around 150 a month to save…I’ve never lived like that before and so obviously I won’t be upgrading the house or getting a new car anytime soon.

I worked massively hard in my twenties/early 30s and I feel like it was all for nothing. its embarrassing that I have the job I do and I can’t just nip off on holiday, the best is the family holiday home in the Lakes and that will literally be the place me and DC for the foreseeable. I feel like I’ve let them down.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I guess at my age I thought I would have done better and now it’s all come to a halt and won’t improve. Ex should be paying maintenance which would help being able to free up some money but he isn’t around and hasn’t talked about it… I’m jealous really that he gets to pursue his career and carry on while my life grinds to a halt on that way. Just feeling really shit and too embarrassed to talk to friends.

Do you have emotional support in real life OP? I think you're grieving, very understandably.

Try to compare yourself to other single mums, not couples, or you'll go mad.

Very best of luck with your new life.

CMS isn’t meant to be saved for them. It’s to buy them clothes, feed them, keep a roof over their heads, fund hobbies… use it, don’t be a martyr about it

It’s fine to grieve and be upset OP - you thought things would be different just now. But when you’ve done that, sit down and think through the things you have right now to be grateful for, then what you want life to look like in 1/2/5 years time, and what steps you can take to (slowly, if need be) get there.

tbf a lot of it is related to age. It's much harder for anyone u40. The days of having no money but then hitting a sweat spot where income goes up & outgoings reduce are over for the vast majority. High house prices, wage stagnation, higher cost of living, higher studying costs, higher pension costs etc. plus we now have higher interest rates on the horizon. You have the double whammy or facing it single.

Did the "pull your socks up" people miss where OP said she's feeling massively insecure?

Where's your kindness?

most won't have sympathy though as it's a race to the bottom

No.

It's being put to better use. OP has no need of "kindness".

It's being put to better use. OP has no need of "kindness".

which illustrates my point

One big difference in life outcomes is how people react to set-backs.

A huge one is a family safety net.

700k houses at 34?! 😂 This isn’t real life.

Be glad with what you have.

Surely this is a wind up? Why are you so obsessed with house prices?

You're 34! You do realise ( unless you are a glamour model) that you likely have another 34 years left in your professional career. A bit of humble pie with a very large dose of reality is needed. It sounds to me that your only problem is not being able to imagine a reality more than 5 years down the line.

Nothing much is off the table at 34, meeting someone else, having more children, having a stellar career, literally nothing.

Tbh it seems to me that this is more about the changes in your life and that before splitting with your ex you were the person who ‘had it all’. Have you had any other major setbacks in your life or ever ‘failed’ at anything?

This is not judgemental at all, I got divorced at 26 and was living in a cupboard up to my eyeballs in debt and I felt like I’d never have anything better or more. However, I think you do need to get some perspective and understand that you are doing just fine financially/assets wise (much better than many others) and the current situation isn’t permanent. Nothing is; life is unpredictable.

Gently, therapy really helped me to work through some of the feelings I had and gain some perspective. Perhaps when your ex starts paying CM you can invest some of your money in yourself in this way.

Money is the absolute very least of your worries.

It's all relative and you are allowed to be feeling like you are. Birthdays can bring about some reflective thinking. Comparison is the thief of joy though, try and stop dwelling. Your wee one will remember the time you spent together not how expensive the house was.
Things do change.
Happy Birthday for tomorrow

700k houses at 34?! 😂 This isn’t real life.

It really is unfortunately.

Good lord. When I was 34 I was a single mum in a squalid damp two up-two down with not a pot to piss in, so I would have happily swapped you for your half a million quid house that you have 40% equity in!
I am not a "race to the bottom" person, not at all, and I have friends much richer than me and it doesn't bother me, but really, your post is a bit tone deaf.
There are so many people really panicking, people in their 30s and 40s who will never be able to buy a house, almost nowhere available to rent for a family, and the cost of everything rocketing so that those of us on average wages are counting every penny, do the sums again and again, cutting back on small luxuries, like haircuts and new shoes...you might want to count your blessings!
Also, you can get your career back on track-life doesn't just stop at 35 you know.

Never compare your lifestyle to friends It's pointless and you never really know how transparent they are
Your lifestyle is great and I'm sure your DD is well provided for
Every working Mum feels mum guilt
I can't work and even I have Mum guilt

The poster who said it seems like I view my life is over is exactly what it is.

everything feels horribly final. Like this is it. Im worried I will be stuck now always, just trying to get by. I’m so scared for the future and I know 35 isn’t old but I am hardly going to meet anyone in the next couple of years and by then I will be late 30s. Meeting someone isn’t everything but it’s another element of life I feel is closed off. I’m just struggling I didn’t mean to offend anyone.

it sounds like you are grieving for the life you expected to have., that's ok. things will get brighter

I'm 58 and live in a flat worth about 85K. At your age I was in a council flat so I think I've done well to move "up" and own my own place. Still have a small mortgage though. Wish i could claim your level of "failure". Get a grip. And get a grip of your ex!

CMS is not for your DCs - it’s a contribution to their cost of living. By all means save it for them if you like but also you’d be entitled to use it however you wish. The expectation that you fund 100% of their living costs and also provide them with a starter fund is you putting massive pressure on yourself. If that’s what makes you happy then do it - if more material things makes you happy then get those (no judgment intended there at all. You’re a single mum but you also need to enjoy your life so spend your money on what makes you happy).

Child Maintenance is income to contribute the child's living expenses, food, roof over their head etc. Why are you saying it would /should be saved? It's the other parents contribution to day-to-day expenses, if it results in savings being made, those savings are yours, because part of your income is being freed up.
You can't be even slightly hard up if you don't actually need that money to pay for DC.