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Original poster

I feel like I’ve failed financially because it’s now ground to a halt

121 replies

reoyl · 01/08/2022 11:30

Not sure where the best place is for this but I am feeling massively insecure and I KNOW this is all material stuff but it’s engulfing me.

I bought a nice house a year ago, I’ve got around 40 pc equity in it, bought for 460. I have credit cards of 5k and will still be paying off my student loan for another year. I became a single parent recently (not married) and now I’m facing childcare etc ive realised that this is where it ends for me realistically. I have gone down to 3.5 days a week and my salary pays the mortgage and leaves me around 150 a month to save…I’ve never lived like that before and so obviously I won’t be upgrading the house or getting a new car anytime soon.

I worked massively hard in my twenties/early 30s and I feel like it was all for nothing. its embarrassing that I have the job I do and I can’t just nip off on holiday, the best is the family holiday home in the Lakes and that will literally be the place me and DC for the foreseeable. I feel like I’ve let them down.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I guess at my age I thought I would have done better and now it’s all come to a halt and won’t improve. Ex should be paying maintenance which would help being able to free up some money but he isn’t around and hasn’t talked about it… I’m jealous really that he gets to pursue his career and carry on while my life grinds to a halt on that way. Just feeling really shit and too embarrassed to talk to friends.

OP posts:
Isonthecase · 01/08/2022 15:53

I understand where you're coming from. We're in a great position really but I still look at our friendship circle who are mostly 5-10 years older and in much nicer houses and realise that, for a number of reasons mostly to do with local house price rises, we could do exactly what they've done and still not have the same outcome. It has really helped making friends with people as well who see a good life as being more about balance and family.

It is frustrating though when you think you've done everything right and you've reached a dead end anyway. Unfortunately I think you need some new friends who will help you reframe it as a stop in the journey rather than a forced end destination.

greywinds · 01/08/2022 17:05

Why do you think meeting someone in your late 30s is unlikely? Most of my friends didn't meet their SO til 35-40, your perspective may be a bit skewed by a very narrow circle of friends.

Wait til you hit your 40s, divorces and break ups all over the place, you've just done it all a bit early!

topcat2014 · 01/08/2022 17:10

I'm 50 and in a house worth 300k. And happy.

You need new friends.

Realistically you know that 700k is not average..

Original poster
reoyl · 01/08/2022 17:18

@greywinds i guess because I had been dating since I was 20 and nothing really worked out long term.. and now I have DC, less time, no longer live in a city etc it seems hopeless.

@topcat2014 it might not be average generally but it definitely is with colleagues, friends, family, so I feel a lot of pressure/out of place. I know it’s silly, it’s just hard not to feel it. My best friend from school was just gifted 400k, obviously I know that’s not average but it’s not unusual with who I know and it didn’t surprise me.

OP posts:
greywinds · 01/08/2022 17:34

You feel the way you feel but mid 30s is so young relative to how much longer you've got left to figure how to go after what you want from the rest of your life.

Weirdly, you may find you get more positive as you edge to 40, that's what happened for me.

Original poster
reoyl · 01/08/2022 17:36

@greywinds I have to say 25 to 35 were filled with horrendous anxiety that I didn’t have kids. It was awful. Spent years dating and searching. I can’t say as it was enjoyable !

OP posts:
greywinds · 01/08/2022 17:37

Oh yes I remember feeling utterly dejected turning 30, couldn't get pregnant, didn't think it would happen, stuck in a stressful career i felt I wasn't good enough in. 40 was tonnes better.

keepingwarm5623 · 01/08/2022 17:41

It really isn't as bad as you think. I became a single mum at the same age as you. For several years I struggled with debt remaining from my relationship, constant budgeting, big childcare bills and no maintenance.

Then gradually it got better, maintenance got sorted, I had time to focus on my career as DC got older and I was able to save. Now things have moved backwards a bit due to the cost of living but I am still grateful for what I have and know that I worked my way out of it once and I will do again.

Focus on what you have and what you can do about the direction you want your life to go in. And don't let your ex off maintenance, it is yours to cover their share of the costs.

Minimalme · 01/08/2022 18:01

You have a great life. However, you will never get to enjoy it unless you change your mindset.

JassyRadlett · 01/08/2022 18:10

OP, I'm going to give you a gentle shake.

Because look at what you've achieved for yourself and your kids.

You've secured a decent roof over their heads with lots of equity. Equity buys security. Huge achievement.

You've got a mortgage you can pay without relying on a partner. Huge achievement. Even more security for your kids, you're not reliant on maintenance to keep that roof over your heads.

You're financially stable enough that you can drop to part time while your kids are little and childcare is a killer. Huge achievement.

The full time childcare years feel insurmountable but in a few years it will be after school clubs and your earning power will take off again.

But do chase down that maintenance and please don't save it for the kids in the future. That's not what it's for.

Spend it on what it costs to keep them now - food, childcare, that roof over their heads. It's a better investment in them if you spend it giving them a mother who is less stressed and less stretched now, who can take them on holidays and buy them the occasional treat.

Ducksinthebath · 01/08/2022 18:14

reoyl · 01/08/2022 17:36

@greywinds I have to say 25 to 35 were filled with horrendous anxiety that I didn’t have kids. It was awful. Spent years dating and searching. I can’t say as it was enjoyable !

It sounds like you’re never happy with your lot. As someone said, comparison is the thief of joy.

lionsmane22 · 01/08/2022 18:53

blachrspot · 01/08/2022 14:49

It's being put to better use. OP has no need of "kindness".

which illustrates my point

It really doesn't. And it isn't...OP is nowhere near the bottom. Try to read the room, it's like telling people on food stamps your wallet is too small to hold all your notes....

ClemmyTine · 01/08/2022 18:56

Some people are so poor all they have is money.

blanchrspot · 01/08/2022 18:57

So the OP doesn't deserve kindness because others are worse off? Plenty of people are doing better though as there is huge inequality in the U.K. Plus anyone at the bottom in the U.K. is still better off than lots in the rest of the world so do we limit kindness to them?

SuperPets · 01/08/2022 18:58

blanchrspot · 01/08/2022 18:57

So the OP doesn't deserve kindness because others are worse off? Plenty of people are doing better though as there is huge inequality in the U.K. Plus anyone at the bottom in the U.K. is still better off than lots in the rest of the world so do we limit kindness to them?

But kindness for what though? OP is literally doing fine, what kind of kindness are you suggesting she requires here?

blanchrspot · 01/08/2022 19:02

I simply replied to the below exchange

"Did the "pull your socks up" people miss where OP said she's feeling massively insecure?

Where's your kindness?"

"No

It's being put to better use. OP has no need of "kindness".

Why did @lionsmane22 feel that no kindness was necessary?

SuperPets · 01/08/2022 19:03

Why do you feel it is necessary? What for and what kind?

I'm so sick of being told to #befuckingkind all the time.

Hallamus · 01/08/2022 19:04

You have done really well. Have you considered that this isn't so much about money and achievement but more that you now feel stuck in a holding pattern due to circumstances you can't control? People who are used to working hard and progressing can often struggled with what feels like an enforced stasis. Are there ways you could develop outside of work progression and financial reward - learn a creative art, write a book, perfect your garden, start a side hustle? I know these suggestions sound twee but by my standards you have the basics more than covered and your kids will be fine...maybe you need some outlets for yourself.

blanchrspot · 01/08/2022 19:05

OP is literally doing fine, what kind of kindness are you suggesting she requires here?

Did you not read the OP?

"Just feeling really shit and too embarrassed to talk to friends."

Elsiid · 01/08/2022 19:10

Is working full time a possibility?

Original poster
reoyl · 01/08/2022 19:10

Hallamus · 01/08/2022 19:04

You have done really well. Have you considered that this isn't so much about money and achievement but more that you now feel stuck in a holding pattern due to circumstances you can't control? People who are used to working hard and progressing can often struggled with what feels like an enforced stasis. Are there ways you could develop outside of work progression and financial reward - learn a creative art, write a book, perfect your garden, start a side hustle? I know these suggestions sound twee but by my standards you have the basics more than covered and your kids will be fine...maybe you need some outlets for yourself.

@Hallamus i think that could be it actually. I feel like I’m standing still and I’ve always had a goal or an aim or progress. It feels like my career is frozen and in the balance, like my relationships with anyone new can’t even begin yet in any way and that I am therefore going backwards.

It does feel like this is the line drawn and I’ve achieved what I’ve achieved and life stops here. Ex isn’t involved and he will be progressing his job etc and it just feels like I’m not doing anything at all to move forward in any way.

OP posts:
SuperPets · 01/08/2022 19:11

blanchrspot · 01/08/2022 19:05

OP is literally doing fine, what kind of kindness are you suggesting she requires here?

Did you not read the OP?

"Just feeling really shit and too embarrassed to talk to friends."

I did read it. I'm failing to see how "I'm too embarassed to talk to my friends about being upset that I'm doing so well compared to the majority of people, but I'm jealous that they're even more well off than me"

If course she's embarrassed to have that conversation, anyone would be. You'd sound bonkers, can you think why?

blanchrspot · 01/08/2022 19:16

Why do you feel it is necessary? What for and what kind?

I'm so sick of being told to #befuckingkind all the time.

I questioned why the OP has no need for kindness?

Weirdlynormal · 01/08/2022 19:17

I think you need some counselling OP. You don't sound like you've ever really been happy just 'being'. I was very driven as a young adult, but had a major set back that pushed me very off the rails for about 2 years. I wish I'd spoken to someone about it at the time.

blanchrspot · 01/08/2022 19:19

I did read it. I'm failing to see how "I'm too embarassed to talk to my friends about being upset that I'm doing so well compared to the majority of people, but I'm jealous that they're even more well off than me"

well that's your take. The OP clearly has some difficulty with adjusting which I do have sympathy for.