Husbands Sister possessive over my Baby

[soulsearch7]

Soon to be first time mom here.

Disturbed by one of Hubbys sister. Anytime me, my hubby, my MIL, or anyone else in family talks about us as soon to be parents to our baby, she interrupts and says its her baby, we are only giving birth and giving her the baby. I am only in my first trimester and this is my first pregnancy after 4 years of marriage. It deeply disturbs me that she eliminates us everytime. I know that she is affectionate but she needs to be respectful to our feelings as soon to be parents too. I am not giving birth to my baby to hand over to her even though i know she doesnt mean that literally but it still annoys me I cannot stand it. She is single in her 30s and lives at home with MIL.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

I feel like telling my MIL to have a word with her because i am very close to all in laws but thats gonna be difficult for MIL as SIL doesnt listen to her anyway.

She also has the type of over sensitive personality that if she doesn't like something that is said to her, she will spoil the atmosphere and throw the biggest bad moods around, also then she will badmouth without delay and cry tears infront of MIL.

Hubby knows her attitudes and hates them too but always tells me to ignore her as we live in another country. He says she is not worth reacting to as she will otherwise try to spoil my relation with my inlaws. Her elder sisters btw also are aware of her negative attributes and even MIL but no one ever says anything to her so she knows she can say anything and get away.

How do I deal with this? I do live abroad but connect daily with MIL as consider her like my mom and she is beyond lovely. If SIL happens to be there, that's when comments are made over the phone. She is far but still needs to be respectful towards our feelings.

I would reply every time but in a slightly jokey fashion "we're only going to give the baby to you when it's grown into a grumpy teenager", "that's right, every night at bedtime so we can have a blissful nights sleep" if a few days of that doesn't work I would then then go for a firm correction "no SIL it is our baby" "It's our baby actually" "sorry we keeping him/her"

I would look at her straight faced and say 'that's not funny' and if she says it again just literally ignore it. Leave her stupid comments hanging and don't respond.

She's either a bit batshit or she thimks its some kind of hilarious joke . Saying it once might be harmless and amusing, to keep repeating it is a bit weird tbh

I know right. Its totally out of order.

I know what her reply will be, she will say no its not funny at all im being very serious. Argh. Ignoring her for now but if it continues I may end up saying something 🤔

Yes I might say Its our Baby Actually 👶 thank you. Grumpy teenager sounds great too. Hahah. Thank you

“What the fuck is wrong with you SIL?”

I'd tell her to go away and cop on 🙄 she sounds deranged , she'd never be left near the baby.

She really sounds not quite right. Who says this kind of shit?

There’s no way I’d ever leave her alone with the baby. She sounds a bit deranged.

I’d have said something like “WTF are you on about” by now

@soulsearch7 it’s crazy but she’s trying to be cute and just not reading the room well. She probably doesn’t realise how often she makes that “joke”. What she thinks she’s signalling is “this baby is already sooo loved, and I am going to love her so much as her aunty that she’ll never want for love”. It doesn’t feel like it but it’s probably just her clumsy way of being happy for you.

What’s probably also going on, at an unconscious level, is that she’s aware that she’s of an age when people are expecting her to have her own family. She’s making light of that to let people know “hey, I know, I get it, I should be having my own baby I’m so okay with the fact that I don’t have a family, that I can joke about it”.
I think any suggestion that she might be a bit creepy about your baby, would send her into a spiral if she’s very sensitive. If you can handle it maybe don’t speak with MiL, she’ll feel very sad for her daughter I think.
What you could do I suppose is just joke back and say “listen you, this is our baby, get your own!” Or similar and just laugh it off, change the subject ask about what’s going on in her life- big up what’s going on for her.

Nobody behaves like this. She sounds completely loopy! On what planet does she think it's ok to take somebody else's baby?! She needs serious help. Bonkers!

WTF?!

What do the rest of the family say when she says this?!

Let her sulk. You need to call her out on this. Let her know it makes her sound twisted.

I would reply 'I'll only give you the baby if you take the [insert pg/childbirth related discomfort here]'.

Yeah exactly. And the while my MIL and SIL want me to have my delivery there but I have firmly told my hubby I am going flying there and will have my baby where we live. I cannot imagine her taking my baby away once I delivery because i know she will want to be the first one to hold him or her and i wont tolerate that.

And the while my MIL and SIL want me to have my delivery there but I have firmly told my hubby I am going flying there

I don’t quite understand this but I’m hoping you are saying you won’t be having the baby’s anywhere near them. Honestly-she sounds unstable. Does she work? Have friends? Unless she has a really deadpan sense of humour, I’d be worried she’d do something worrying.

No one says anything to her. They all laugh along

'Are you planning on kidnapping my baby or something? Because you keep making that joke and it makes you sound unwell'.

To be honest she is coming from a place of love and yes she works she is mentally stable but nevertheless she likes to dominate in situations and i feel like her now having her own is definitely playing a part in this. Im glad i am not the only one who think her comments are out of order.

Next time she says it respond with “yes SIL if you make that same joke enough times someone might laugh” if she responds saying she is being serious just say “oh you are still sticking with it are you”

I'd often go with "not a funny joke", but given what you've described and the context, I think i would be making it clear that she will NEVER be allowed to be alone with the child. She does sound somewhat disturbed, and I'd put my child first until I was convinced this was simply an inappropriate joke. And stuff who gets upset about it - they are either enabling her inappropriate and selfish behaviour, or they are ignoring the fact she needs some serious help.

tell your husband it's concerning you and he needs to nip it in the bud.

This makes them sound even more deranged than your first post did.

I'd correct her on this every time she utters the words, and ignore any tantrums or sulks.

@soulsearch7 are MiL and SiL from a different culture to you? Could mismatched social norms around motherhood and the role of extended family be at play here?