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Original poster

Husbands Sister possessive over my Baby

79 replies

soulsearch7 · 30/07/2022 11:57

Soon to be first time mom here.

Disturbed by one of Hubbys sister. Anytime me, my hubby, my MIL, or anyone else in family talks about us as soon to be parents to our baby, she interrupts and says its her baby, we are only giving birth and giving her the baby. I am only in my first trimester and this is my first pregnancy after 4 years of marriage. It deeply disturbs me that she eliminates us everytime. I know that she is affectionate but she needs to be respectful to our feelings as soon to be parents too. I am not giving birth to my baby to hand over to her even though i know she doesnt mean that literally but it still annoys me I cannot stand it. She is single in her 30s and lives at home with MIL.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

I feel like telling my MIL to have a word with her because i am very close to all in laws but thats gonna be difficult for MIL as SIL doesnt listen to her anyway.

She also has the type of over sensitive personality that if she doesn't like something that is said to her, she will spoil the atmosphere and throw the biggest bad moods around, also then she will badmouth without delay and cry tears infront of MIL.

Hubby knows her attitudes and hates them too but always tells me to ignore her as we live in another country. He says she is not worth reacting to as she will otherwise try to spoil my relation with my inlaws. Her elder sisters btw also are aware of her negative attributes and even MIL but no one ever says anything to her so she knows she can say anything and get away.

How do I deal with this? I do live abroad but connect daily with MIL as consider her like my mom and she is beyond lovely. If SIL happens to be there, that's when comments are made over the phone. She is far but still needs to be respectful towards our feelings.

OP posts:
HotWashCycle · 30/07/2022 13:36

Just say to her, and look her in the eye if you are actually with her, "Why do you keep saying that? I am a first time mother, and it is quite uncomfortable for me to hear it, its not funny."

MzHz · 30/07/2022 13:40

This is the situation for which “wtf are you talking about, you fucking weirdo” is meant for.

she sounds unhinged. I’d be keeping WEEEEELLLLLLL away from her, and telling her why too.

Gymnopedie · 30/07/2022 14:07

She also has the type of over sensitive personality that if she doesn't like something that is said to her, she will spoil the atmosphere and throw the biggest bad moods around, also then she will badmouth without delay and cry tears infront of MIL.

She's not over sensitive, she's manipulating so that everyone rushes round to avoid upsetting her, or to appease her if she does get 'upset'.

she interrupts and says its her baby, we are only giving birth and giving her the baby.

Short, sharp responses. No we're not/not going to happen etc. You - or preferably DH - are going to have to be the ones to tell her straight. It will disturb the family dynamic of 'mustn't upset [SIL]' but sod it. She shouldn't be able to upset you every time she's around.

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FictionalCharacter · 30/07/2022 14:44

Put a stop to this. She’s not over sensitive, she’s very disturbed.
There was another thread recently where the OP’s sister was weirdly possessive about the OP’s baby, even pretending in public that the baby was hers. Your SIL will be trouble when the baby is born if you don’t make it clear that she will NOT be the first to hold the baby etc and an aunt does NOT parent a child.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 30/07/2022 15:20

I’d say “I know you and your brother are close, but having a baby with him is too close for comfort” or something that can be passed off as a joke too, but will will hopefully make her realise how uncomfortable she’s making you. She sounds unhinged.

Berthatydfil · 30/07/2022 15:33

I would be losing my shit with her. You have the perfect excuse with pregnancy hormones.
I would say “you had better stop saying that - you sound like a total psycho. Who talks about taking a pregnant woman’s baby away from them? If you don’t stop it now me and the baby won’t ever be in the same country let alone the same house as you- ever, and don’t think I’m joking !! “ and flounce off in tears.

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/07/2022 15:36

It will never stop if you keep on telling her moods rule what you all do.

Next time she says something put her straight immediately and change the conversation. No reaction, no getting upset. Don't feed it.

Pinkdelight3 · 30/07/2022 15:37

Connecting with your MIL daily might be part of the issue. My actual mum is lovely but I still don't connect with her anywhere near that much and my MIL (also lovely) way less. This will feed into your problem not only as you're exposed a lot to SIL, but also because to SIL, you might be seen as taking her place to some extent - treating MIL like your 'mom' and giving her a grandchild, so in her head, it's fair game for her to joke that she's taking your baby. There's all kinds of subtext going on that can only be helped if you back away a bit more. Nothing extreme that would set off any alarm bells, but come on, you're in a different country in a busy time of your lives, it's simple enough to take a step back and nip this issue in the bud.

Beyond that, I'm with your DH on ignoring it, it's just how she is and there's no real intention to possess your nascent baby. It's just a shit joke people make when they've got nothing better to say, and when she's talking to you so often, she's likely run out of anything more interesting to add. Families can be like this, trotting out the same lame gags and laughing along. It's not nefarious, but it is tedious so just give yourself a break from it.

Now you're going to be a mum, you can reorient yourself from being so much of a daughter and focus on your own new family with DH and DC. Course you can still keep in touch and keep them posted, but own your own situation and they can't make you feel insecure about them taking over. Draw the lines kindly now, then it's absolutely clear that no way are you giving birth out there so they can have first dibs on your DC. You can treat that like a joke too. As if!

8misskitty8 · 30/07/2022 15:49

Your DH needs to speak to his sister and make it clear what she is saying needs to stop.
So what if she goes in a huff, sounds like shes been pandered too, for too long.
Your DH needs to start putting you and your family unit first.
If he doesn’t then things will get worse once the baby has arrived.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/07/2022 15:57

"listen, I'm not going through 9months of this followed by childbirth to give you my child. This joke is making me very uncomfortable. Please stop or you'll spoil your relationship with my child before it's even begun"

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/07/2022 16:01

You say stable - I say potato.

Start as you mean to go on. Protect your baby. Like a tiger if you have to.

This isn’t funny, sweet, the traits of an excited aunt. It isn’t normal.

And I’d be far, far away.

pictish · 30/07/2022 16:46

Oh god you can just ignore her surely? She lives in another country and even if she didn’t, she can’t take your baby anyway! Why are you paying any of it the slightest bit of heed? She’s not going to be there.

Butterbeer4All · 30/07/2022 16:56

If she's telling you this over the phone, just end the call every time she says it. No argument, no discussion.

Thinkingblonde · 30/07/2022 17:02

Don’t engage with her nonsense, ignore her comments. No one is going to take your baby away from you. You’re going to have to be firm with both SIL and MIL. Right from the off.

Lovelycheesegromit · 30/07/2022 17:10

She’s nuts for saying that. Now I come from a culture of overbearing mils and sils (because patriarchy) but even this is on a different level. You’re lucky you’re in a different country, keep the distance until Dh or someone puts her back in her place. They probably won’t so I would say do not leave your country. I’m glad you like your in laws but you don’t live near them so they’re going to be lovely but please remember their loyalty will be with their daughter so do not expect anything from them. This is your dh’s job to deal with and if he starts making noises about visiting with baby make sure you put your foot down.

Lovelycheesegromit · 30/07/2022 17:13

Why are you on the phone to your mil every day? Is it because your actually want to or is it an expectation? I would limit contact for your mental health.

Lovelycheesegromit · 30/07/2022 17:17

If you come from a patriarchal culture that sees women are mere incubators then I would be taking it more seriously as I have no doubt somebody further up the hierarchy has been feeding her this shit but she doesn’t have the tact to keep her mouth shut. Which is why everyone is pandering to her as she’s not really saying anything wrong from their perspective.

Xiomara22 · 30/07/2022 17:17

She sounds unhinged, I’d put the phone down if I noticed she was there and call back when she left.
also don’t leave your baby alone with her ever , and she only sees the baby supervised under yours and your husbands terms only she doesn’t need to be the first.
congratulations and enjoy the baby bubble

dontgobaconmyheart · 30/07/2022 18:14

It's not normal OP, even if her family think it is because they are used to her.

What tones is she saying it in? is it something she finds funny as if she is trying to explain how strong her affection is for the baby or is it something she plainly says?

I would make clear that she is an aunt of the baby and that is all. I wouldn't ever give her lone access to the baby or access to the hospital room. I would put a blanket ban on relatives visiting the hospital if I had to, and if pushed would say that she had spoilt it with her extreme behaviour which was causing concern. Even if there is nothing sinister going on why let it spoil the bonding process you need with your baby and your family.

chilliesandspices · 30/07/2022 19:04

You could just say "i know your joking but it's making me really uncomfortable now"

Or if you're feeling brutal "sorry sis, you to need to find yourself a man and have a baby of your own"

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/07/2022 19:07

She’s not stable.

Babdoc · 30/07/2022 19:14

She sounds to me to have borderline personality disorder. Or is a raving narcissist. I would cut contact altogether personally, but if that’s not an option, hang the phone up every time she starts this crap.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 30/07/2022 19:21

Oh god - my mother and I were demented like this with our first nephew / grandchild. We would say we were going to steal him away and adopt him as he was so gorgeous and I would refer to my lovely SIL as the Mother of my Nephew.

2bazookas · 30/07/2022 19:22

Every single time she says it, just reply with a merry laugh

" You'd better get pregnant and have a baby of your own"

averythinline · 30/07/2022 19:23

I would be stopping any call as soon as she says something ...
And would say so as well.....
You don't have to see her or let her hold your baby if shes in a different country...

So next call just say i will switch off if you say that again....and do so...
Maybe that'll make the others say something..
Mil can come and visit you ...herself

If your h wont stand up to her then i wouldn't go anywhere she is...

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