Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Sister's boyfriend thinks I need some ambition

104 replies

PotteryMap · 22/07/2022 20:46

Just feeling a bit low about what he said

DSis has a new boyfriend, been together a few months. Met him for the first time last week.

He came for a Sunday roast (my parents did him a Vegan one especially as he's on a flexi diet)

He was telling us about how he's been saving for a house since the age of 17. He's now 25.

He asked me about my house, said it was really lovely. I said oh you've seen! He said it was my sister showing pics

He asked how much my mortgage was per month. I said it was not mortgaged, but an assured tenancy through a housing association. It's a lifetime tenancy property

He asked when I would be buying. I said I probably never will - it has 3 beds. It is a lifetime tenancy.

He said 'yes but won't you be looking to better yourself and buy something eventually' I said that isn't obtainable really. The house is mine due to my son's disability. I will be a carer for as long as I physically can for him. And it's my daughters home too

He said 'I think you lack ambition Rach. You have potential'

My sister nodded along!

It was left at that and then no further digs were made at me. But I still feel a bit sad about it

No point to this thread really other than to voice my feelings

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 23/07/2022 15:22

He sounds like a huge cockwomble. I would almost certainly have advised him to get to fuck.

Surroundedbyfools · 23/07/2022 15:22

U should have told him to fuck right off. It’s abso none of his business whether u rent, buy or how much u pay for anything ! Bloody front on him ! Ur sister should have Been embarrassed and had a word with him, I certainly would if my husband piped up anything like that to anyone

Zilla1 · 23/07/2022 15:31

If he is NT then try to think of 'putting him in his place' as a public service and duty and a favour to help him become functional or less dysfunctional and reduce the likelihood of his suffering an unfortunate event in the future.

Fenella123 · 23/07/2022 15:34

OP, you're mature for your age because you had to be.
He sounds like a well meaning idealist with, well, very little experience of the difficulties and complexities of life. Could he be a tit? Possibly. Could he be a well-meaning Polyanna Polyandrew who will do a lot of growing up in the years to come, and look back with horrified embarrassment at what he said and did? Hopefully!

Just make that sort of head tilt that says,
"I heard you say that because I'm a polite person" and that, "hmm!" noise that conveys, "however, my lived experience is somewhat at odds with what you say, but there's no point in going into it now".

Smile and nod, smile and nod, and if your sister is daft enough to ask what you think of him, shit-sandwich it:
"He clearly wants the best for everyone but I do wonder how his idealism will fare against the harsher realities of life. But he's so energetic, if he takes the time to listen to people I think he could do a lot of good" :)

Topseyt123 · 23/07/2022 15:36

PotteryMap · 22/07/2022 20:57

My sister told me, with a straight face, that he wanted to adopt a child from another country but was questioning the ethics of the air mileage! With a straight face! I told her he needs to give his head a wobble and she said he was just really considerate

Argh

Tell her that being a preachy, patronising and sanctimonious arsewipe does not make him "really considerate" at all. It makes him hard to bear.

dottiedodah · 23/07/2022 15:37

He sounds like he is immature and a bit of a knob to boot! He needs to grow up. A lot of people are snobby about a HA property .You have a little boy to care for and another child as well .You do not have to explain yourself to anyone! Hopefully he will be an ex sooner or later

Thelnebriati · 23/07/2022 15:38

@PotteryMap Its ludicrous for a man you aren't in a relationship with to tell you that you lack ambition; but reading the rest of your post it sounds like he's made ambition his personality.
If I were you, I'd tell your sister to stop sharing info about you with him. He uses it to score points.

autienotnaughty · 23/07/2022 15:45

He probably thinks we all have the same24 hours😂🙄

OooErr · 23/07/2022 15:48

What an idiot!

OooErr · 23/07/2022 15:48

Him, not you. The sanctimonious.. can't even think of the words.
Especially with the flexi diet and air miles he sounds like a right twat. I'd have torn him a new one but then I'm too old to have any patiences with these types..

darmaka · 23/07/2022 15:51

Why do you feel bad. It only matters if you feel you lack ambition. If not, why bother? Live your life as you desire and keep it moving.
Your sister is the one who has given him permission to speak like that to you. She probably expressed those feelings and he's just regurgitating what was said.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2022 15:52

I hope you told your sister what an insufferable twat her boyfriend is. Fucking hell, I'd refuse any further invitations.

LightDrizzle · 23/07/2022 15:54

Sanctimonious twat. Feel free to share his pearls of wisdom with us to keep you sane.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 23/07/2022 16:23

I'm happy to provide you with an alibi when you murder this little jackass!

CharlotteRose90 · 23/07/2022 16:24

I think it’s come from his upbringing. The house question anyway, like for me anyway I was brought up that buying a house is the end goal as you pass it down to your kids. I wouldn’t judge anyone that rents but it’s not your forever home whereas a mortgaged home is. His comments to you were unnecessary.

darmaka · 23/07/2022 16:35

CharlotteRose90 · 23/07/2022 16:24

I think it’s come from his upbringing. The house question anyway, like for me anyway I was brought up that buying a house is the end goal as you pass it down to your kids. I wouldn’t judge anyone that rents but it’s not your forever home whereas a mortgaged home is. His comments to you were unnecessary.

Maybe but why is the sister nodding?
I wonder if these are the sisters views which the BF has offered to air since the sister might be scared to do it herself.

I have a relative who looks down on the family because he married a wealthy girl from a wealthy family. He always seems so embarrassed around his own family when the girl is around - constantly correcting them on how to do A or B etc.
The wife is incredibly rude to the family - I wonder why . . . Speak to your sister. The BF might be rude but he's been given permission. Personally I would be very scared to offend my BF/GF's family.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2022 16:52

CharlotteRose90 · 23/07/2022 16:24

I think it’s come from his upbringing. The house question anyway, like for me anyway I was brought up that buying a house is the end goal as you pass it down to your kids. I wouldn’t judge anyone that rents but it’s not your forever home whereas a mortgaged home is. His comments to you were unnecessary.

It is her forever home though.

MugginsOverEre · 23/07/2022 16:58

I'd have burst out laughing, turned to sis and said, bloody hell sis, you've bagged yourself a right arrogant tit haven't ya?"

Topseyt123 · 23/07/2022 17:24

CharlotteRose90 · 23/07/2022 16:24

I think it’s come from his upbringing. The house question anyway, like for me anyway I was brought up that buying a house is the end goal as you pass it down to your kids. I wouldn’t judge anyone that rents but it’s not your forever home whereas a mortgaged home is. His comments to you were unnecessary.

I think you might have missed this from the OP:

I said it was not mortgaged, but an assured tenancy through a housing association. It's a lifetime tenancy property

That means it is her forever home.

wellhelloitsme · 23/07/2022 17:26

CharlotteRose90 · 23/07/2022 16:24

I think it’s come from his upbringing. The house question anyway, like for me anyway I was brought up that buying a house is the end goal as you pass it down to your kids. I wouldn’t judge anyone that rents but it’s not your forever home whereas a mortgaged home is. His comments to you were unnecessary.

A lifetime tenancy is a forever home - clue is in the name!

CharlotteRose90 · 23/07/2022 17:30

Topseyt123 · 23/07/2022 17:24

I think you might have missed this from the OP:

I said it was not mortgaged, but an assured tenancy through a housing association. It's a lifetime tenancy property

That means it is her forever home.

Show quote history

Maybe I missed that bit but who knows what can happen. The housing association could sell on in the future and Op might see herself kicked out. My friend had a so called lifetime contract and the same happened to her.

CharlotteRose90 · 23/07/2022 17:32

darmaka · 23/07/2022 16:35

Maybe but why is the sister nodding?
I wonder if these are the sisters views which the BF has offered to air since the sister might be scared to do it herself.

I have a relative who looks down on the family because he married a wealthy girl from a wealthy family. He always seems so embarrassed around his own family when the girl is around - constantly correcting them on how to do A or B etc.
The wife is incredibly rude to the family - I wonder why . . . Speak to your sister. The BF might be rude but he's been given permission. Personally I would be very scared to offend my BF/GF's family.

Show quote history

I think maybe the sister agrees hence why she nodded. You always want the best for your sibling and maybe to her that’s not the best life. Who knows.

I want the best for my family and if I thought they could do more or better I’d say it

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2022 17:42

Maybe I missed that bit but who knows what can happen. The housing association could sell on in the future and Op might see herself kicked out. My friend had a so called lifetime contract and the same happened to her.

And your house could burn to the ground while the international insurance industry collapses, leaving you homeless.

Mustgotobedsoon · 23/07/2022 17:48

How arrogant!!!

Ignore him OP he’s not worth the headspace !

SingingInParadise · 23/07/2022 17:59

CharlotteRose90 · 23/07/2022 16:24

I think it’s come from his upbringing. The house question anyway, like for me anyway I was brought up that buying a house is the end goal as you pass it down to your kids. I wouldn’t judge anyone that rents but it’s not your forever home whereas a mortgaged home is. His comments to you were unnecessary.

That is totally possible.

However, the OP also explained she is a carer for her ds. The scope for ‘bettering herself’ are limited so having a go at her for not being ambitious enough is very port taste, REGARDLESS of whether you thing being a home owner is essential or not.

Thats, of course, assuming that ‘bettering yourself’ or ‘having some ambition’ is only all about having a house/earning more money etc….