"You don't owe your parents anything"

[climbingqueenie]

I've seen a lot of this sort of thing bandied around on TikTok and other social media and I wondered if it was the norm to think this these days. I'm obviously not talking about abusive parents- my Dad was emotionally abusive and I don't really have anything to do with him as an adult - but just in general, is it really wrong to expect a reciprocal relationship with your adult children? I spend time with my DM and help her out because I love her and she does the same for me. I'd be pretty gutted if my DC grew up and didn't want to see me or didn't consider my feelings or spoke to me rudely. My mum was by no means perfect but what parent is? She had her own traumas and flaws as we all do but essentially her heart is in the right place and she loves us all, and always showed it. So no I don't "owe" her anything but I appreciate her and I like to help her out.

I don't know, I just feel there is a lot of tendency these days to put all the blame for any problems you might have on your parents and it isn't very healthy. Is there anyone who parents in a perfect way that has no damaging effect whatsoever on their children? Surely we are all a little bit dysfunctional and that's just part of being human? To reiterate, I'm not talking about abuse. I just feel there is significant pressure on parents these days to centre their children's emotional wellbeing- as is obviously completely right- but also to display no thoughts or feelings or emotions of your own. I have a friend for example with a teenage DS who speaks to her like dirt - one time after he'd spoken to her particularly badly she cried and he told her to do that was emotionally manipulative.

Is that where we are? Do you have to just allow your children to say what they like to you and have no emotional response?

I'm genuinely interested in this because I know it has many layers of nuance.

There are some assumptions here that it's only abuse that's a good reason not have a good relationship with your parents into adulthood.

There are lots of reasons why that relationship may deteriorate and abuse is only one of them.

Exactly.

Fair enough but I think it's sad if you choose not to (obviously certain circumstances excluded). It's sad I have no relationship with my Dad for instance. I would much prefer it if I did.

I'd rather pay for 'help' as needed when I'm older rather than relying indefinitely on busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own.
Same in reverse with childcare. Then everyone knows where they stand.

What else? Genuine question. Oh I know there are family arguments and so on - I have five siblings and we are always fighting - but nothing I would break contact over.

I don't think it's beneficial to have a relationship with any family member that's not going to make you happy, parent or not. Life's too short. It's nothing to be sad about.

I'm sure my DM would prefer to pay for care too but, if I could, I would want to help her.

Yes but sometimes the reason is because the children are assholes. Why do people always assume it's the parents?

Well it is sad for me because I would like to have a loving relationship with my father and I haven't got one. That's not my fault, but it still makes me sad and it always will. My SIL has a brother who is estranged from her and her parents - that makes her sad and it's been over a decade. If my children didn't want a relationship with me as adults it would break my heart. I can't imagine there is a loving parent on earth who would say it wouldn't bother them.

I think children do have a responsibility to their parents (as you say, abusive relationships aside).
When my parents aged we looked after them. I took my mum for her weekly shop, made sure she got on the right train if visiting someone (and liaised with whomever on the other end), had her come for Sunday lunch and went out with her during the week. As she became more infirm dealt with carers and my sister eventually moved next door to her.
My cousin has done similiar not just for her own parents but aunts and uncles if their kids are too far away.
Really what kind of society are we that we don't respect and care for our own closet relatives?

I agree with this too I have to say. My SIL's brother who she is estranged from is a pretty horrible person.

What else? Genuine question. Oh I know there are family arguments and so on - I have five siblings and we are always fighting - but nothing I would break contact over.

Just because you wouldn't break contact, doesn't mean that's not a valid choice for others though. You're not them and you don't have to understand their decisions.

Off the top of my head, I can think of numerous reasons why you wouldn't want contact with a parent into adulthood.

Racist or sexist or disablist views.
Lack of emotional support.
Addiction issues.
Mental health issues.
Lack of effort from the parent, no matter for much effort you put in yourself.

That's just scenarios in my own family. No abuse, just dysfunction, unhappiness and relationships that don't benefit either party anymore.

Yes but sometimes the reason is because the children are assholes. Why do people always assume it's the parents?

I didn't assume it was the parents. I said there's always a damn good reason for it, and that reason could be because of the children.

It is a bit of a British thing as I said earlier - the nuclear family is the most important. Extended family and relationships with them aren't really viewed as important here I've found.

I'd say most of what you've listed falls under abuse tbh.

I agree. The ' you don't owe them' line was supposed to be for people with abusive, problematic parents - not nice normal parents because you just can't be bothered.

I have an older teen and a younger teen. My one non-negotiable rule is 'no Tik Tok'. Fucking brainrot.

My parents are in their 70's. I love and respect them. Hopefully, my kids will see this as the norm rather than whatever Tik Tok is spouting

I think alot of those currently parenting are so confident their way of bringing up children is so perfect and their parents way so wrong that they are going to get a shock when their children grow up and criticise it. And chose to distance themselves.

Really what kind of society are we that we don't respect and care for our own closet relatives?

Because not everyone deserves respect or care, relatives or not.

"Toxic" is TikTok's most overused word IMO.

Completely agree. Some people’s adult children are dicks and their reasons are ridiculous for going NC.

My BIL despises his mum, my MIL. Because “she was a slag who opened her legs to other men “ - to be clear, BOTH her and FIL had affairs in their marriage and eventually divorced. But BIL is a tremendous misogynist so only blames MIL. He claims this is the reason he started smoking weed at the age of 15 and still smokes it 26 years later. DH has told him to quit but he can’t because it helps him “cope with what a slag mum was”

MIL being “a slag” hasn’t stopped him from using her as unpaid child are for the whole summer holidays for the last 5 years, from living in her home (she lives with her partner elsewhere) rent and bill free for 12 years and hasn’t stopped him from accepting handouts. So he hates her and she ruined his life, but also uses her for his own gains. He’s a magnanimous twat. It’s NOT always the parents.

I think I agree with this. Materially speaking I don't owe my parents anything but as a human being I should treat them with basic respect. Anything beyond that is more meaningful for being given without obligation but rather because I love them and want to do what I can for them.

I think the danger of setting an obligation on any relationship is that it forces people to give more of themselves than they reasonably can give. In the case of parents some expect so much from people when surely the whole role of parents is to create the best adult they can? I also wouldn't expect parents to give more to adult children than they reasonably can, emotionally or materially.

I agree with you OP. DH's parents need a lot of support at the moment, they have always been very independent and would never ask us for help, but of course we're helping. I'll do the same for my parents if/when they need it.

This sounds exactly like my SIL's brother.

I'd say most of what you've listed falls under abuse tbh.

I'll just have to disagree with you. You can be a crap person and parent (or a crap adult child) without being abusive.

IMO too many people are encouraged to maintain relationships with family members when in reality it's of no benefit to either party.

I don't really like the idea of being obligated to someone for life just through accident or birth. Not everyone has nice relatives or relationships that are worth putting the effort into. And that's okay. And should always be okay. People shouldn't be criticised because they don't get along with their family and don't want to keep a relationship going.