To wonder what the fuck is my future going to bring me?

[WatchWatchWatchMe]

I'm becoming more scared as the days go on. My bitterness has eaten me alive. I'm constantly down. I'm nearly 38. All my relationships have failed. Men don't see me as someone to marry, they see me as someone to shag and have fun with. I'm not ladylike enough, I'm not dependent enough, I'm not motherly enough, I'm not... homely enough? All the ones I loved made me feel amazing and safe at first then binned me like some disposable old dishrag and set up real lives with proper, better women. Someone said to me once what it's all about in life is finding a team mate who has your back and makes you a priority. I felt like punching him in the face. I've tried online dating. It's like crawling through a cunt ridden swamp. The decent ones... with the greatest of respect... I wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Yeah you have to go by personality but just... no. Not even after a pint of vodka. I'm not even bothered about sex, just a decent conversation and a laugh would do. I have no single friends. I've tried to join groups, there are none. I've tried to volunteer, even they ignored me. I only have a few relatives left, they are all over 60 and I love them immensely. Once they're gone that's it. I might as well be Tom Hanks in Castaway. Someone casually said to me today (without knowing my circumstances) to fix the things in my life that make me unhappy. I laughed in his fucking face. There are so many posters on here who are seemingly in the same soul destroying predicament as me. Where the fuck are you all in real life?

I’ve never suggested therapy or a life coach before on here, and I’m not saying it disparagingly, but I do think you need to challenge some of your thought patterns.
You seem to hate other women who aren’t single (from your descriptions of them), men who are single, and openly state you hate children and dogs (not saying you have to like them, but dislike is a strong enough reaction for most people). Reading your post it feels overwhelmingly critical and judgemental, and you seem focused on others’ shortcomings or failure to value you.
I suspect this comes from feeling misunderstood or hard done by, and perhaps these are things you need to address. The vitriol that comes across in your posts isn’t likely to draw people to you.
obviously I may have misread the tone… but perhaps it’s also misread in real life?

With respect I am not desperate and I find that extremely patronising. If I was desperate I would allow myself to be treated like shit. How dare you.

OK OP I'm not the kind to give people a kicking online or in real life. But seriously even the way you communicate on here is like a flag a mile high advertising how low and angry and bitter you're feeling.

I was reading this again planning to suggest (as someone else did) that you widen the age category you're searching for and to consider men a bit younger than you too.

Honestly though? Therapy will likely help you a lot, not least because it will give you a safe place to let your anger and sadness out in a way than won't drive people away. I suspect it will hurt BUT ultimately help A LOT.

I think therapy is a great idea for everyone. It really does help you learn more about yourself if you’re able to find a private psychotherapist, not the totally unhelpful 6 sessions of CBT on the NHS.

I’ve also felt like you OP and therapy really did the world of good - it might not solve the external problems but it transformed me as a person for the better.

Some people are really unlucky in love. My sisters one of them - abusive twats every one. I won't bullshit with you by saying you'll find someone because not everyone does and many actually don't.

I was lucky. But if you've tried everything then I'd say maybe seek some therapy to try and make peace with it and try and find happiness alone. You may eventually meet someone but not necessarily. You only get one life. Try and find joy in something.

also there's nothing wrong with you. My sister is objectively beautiful, slim, a doctor, hilarious, confident. She's never met a good man. They all turn out abusive. She has some issues but only those caused by men!

You are a good proper woman.

It's hardly surprising you're sad and angry after your hard work and efforts have not only got you nowhere, you've also been mistreated. You are perfectly entitled to have a vent on here. It's fair and valid.

I can relate and am 10 years older so am further along. I'm not having it anymore and you're right not to either, even though it's very lonely and not what you want. I think it's the way society is which helps nobody. Few people seem truly genuine and kind. Most are users and have agendas. Thing is, those who were actually kind and genuine get fed up of being mugged off too many times. That's why most people end up lonely, and it could be so different.

You sound really lovely btw and it's a shame to see some negative posts. The way I read it is you're simply venting because you're fed up and frustrated after having made very reasonable efforts. You sound strong and know what you want. No longer prepared to have any nonsense. Nothing wrong with that. I admire your honesty.

I hear you on the dogs!

Do you like singing? I have made several good friends singing in a choir. Mine's a classical choir but I hear good things about Rock Choir.

I have a friend who I think may feel a little like you but she has got a great social life through music, at least.

I think music is a far better bet than men tbh.

@fudfootedfannybangle I ended up having children with one of the swamp-dwellers - fuck knows why, if I’d not been riddled with “must procreate” hormones, I wouldn’t have touched him with yours.

What's a swamp dweller?

Thing is, those who were actually kind and genuine get fed up of being mugged off too many times. That's why most people end up lonely, and it could be so different.

I think a lot of decent young guys just give up on the idea of relationships and family earlier than women do.

I think there are a lot of crap men around. Including other people's husbands. Men can be quite a disappointing species. Most of them are also quite selfish.

I would never want to settle down again though as I find it boring and too invasive. It is very hard if not impossible to find enough interesting single women as friends who aren't on the man hunt though. I would prefer to find women friends who are not looking for a man to complete them.

Lightning - where are you? 😁

im finding older lesbians good company.

@BigFatLiar see OP’s previous posts.

I think in reality most women have to make a lot of compromises when getting a partner. I know a few women in your situation. Ironically they were the better looking women too. They tended to go for the very good looking men that weren’t suitable. I think you need to concentrate less on looks. Nothing wrong with being single though.

I am in the midlands. Aged 58. I live here permanently but used to live in London for years. A friend of mine is bisexual but all my interesting women friends sadly live far....

@fudfootedfannybangle Ah! it's a long topic now I'd forgotten that.

It's like crawling through a cunt ridden swamp. The decent ones... with the greatest of respect... I wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Yeah you have to go by personality but just... no. Not even after a pint of vodka.

Oh dear, I take it we're looking for a good looking, intelligent and moral man. I suspect that most of these are married. I hope you look like a film star it's a bit off to bin them because they are nice but don't meet you physical standard.

All the ones I loved made me feel amazing and safe at first then binned me like some disposable old dishrag and set up real lives with proper, better women.

Well they obviously didn't find OP unattractive, just not the person they wanted to marry. Lots of people enjoy (male and female) enjoy the fun of sex without needing to settle down. Loving someone doesn't mean they must love you back. It's shit but that's dating these days. If after a while it isn't working for you you move on (man or woman).

They weren't 'proper, better women' they were just different women the ones they were happy to settle down with. Why not you? No idea, only they can answer that.

It's not you its just life.

I've said before several of DH's friends are lifelong single and happy. They were shat on by the women they dated (figuratively not literally) so simply gave up and settled on enjoying their life. SiL similarly has several single friends, they're going to a wedding of one soon, early 30s met his wife to be socially and hit it of. Speaking to some of the (doing my nosey mum bit with them 'when you going to settle down and get married') They seem to have given up on dating as its too much trouble, the girls/young women aren't that nice to know.

So it's not men or women its just life. Whether you meet the right person or not is a matter of luck really.

Your situation I recognise. We are in a "funny place" as well as a retired couple.
We moved from London to medium sized South Coast town. There were very good reasons at the time for leaving London and good reasons to be here.
Two of those reasons died, friends of many years. But we were never close to the surviving spouse.
Ill health and Covid has made it difficult to make any friends, we have no new friends in 4 years. We talk to neighbours but they are very wrapped up in families and grand children.
Even now we spend days without speaking to anyone other than each other. That has affected me badly.
DW has made friends playing Bridge, (I am clueless at cards) but no one invites us for a meal. we tried inviting people, then faced with a long list of conditions, allergies, Veg, Vegan pescatarian. Separate meal for each person? Can't leave dog for more than 2 hrs. Oh! Bollocks to them all. Too much hard work.

Don't know

@newnamefortonight I get where you're at.

We're also retired and have been looking at moving. Many of our friends are dead now. We thought of returning to where OH comes from, a nice area. However it's all built up now and as he says almost everyone he knew is either dead or moved away. We might as well move somewhere completely new.

We both volunteer and that's introduced us to new groups. They however are also elderly so dying out, such is life when you're getting on.

@BigFatLiar Thanks,
We have both done our share of volunteering through life, more than our fair share of committee service. New area seems to be reluctant to accept newcomers, I have tried heritage kit like trains and boats, where I have knowledge and experience. But not able to do much because of injury to back.
Maybe I'll take up sewing! 😁

You do sound a bit angry and fed up, understandably. Though you also sound like you have a good sense of humour from your OP. @WatchWatchWatchMe

I don't think there's anything wrong with Op having physical appearance minimum standards as some physical attraction can be important.

I don't know what to suggest. I'm yet to try dating as I've been separated from my husband approx a year (divorce looming thankfully) and my teenage children will be gone soon. It does sound like a cesspit at best, the world of OLD. I gave myself a deadline to try by the summer but I've put it off for the present. I did follow the long running dating threads in Relationships for a while (and will do again) so perhaps you could join them?

Other things I'd recommend to meet friends etc would be a walking group, or running club (whatever you're into really) or other things you're interested in. Hobbies or exercise particularly if you're into that.

Yes please? X

That's such a shame but I don't blame them at all if they get mistreated. It becomes too difficult and a lot of hassle for no return. Far easier to withdraw.

I feel for you, @WatchWatchWatchMe!

I'm going through a period of feeling very sad for myself: I’m depressed, lonely, unemployed, overweight, over 50!

I’ve been single for 5 years now and I can’t see me ever wanting another relationship. I’m done with men’s bullshit.

I’m happy on my own but, as an introvert, I struggle with getting the balance right between being around people and being by myself. Too much time alone and I get lonely and more depressed; too much time with other people and I go quiet because I can’t handle it any more!

I have no answers - only empathy. 🤗

Hi OP I can relate. I'm just plain lonely.

Slightly different circumstances, I'm a single parent. Even if I found someone to date I would struggle to find time to see them. I'm less bothered about the romance, I'd settle for good friendships. I see my closest friend maybe 3 times a year. In a week, the only adults I speak to are colleagues and I'm in an unpleasant gossipy office where conversations are used against you.

All interaction in my is superficial and unsatisfying. I feel like I'm withering away. A non person.