To wonder what the fuck is my future going to bring me?

[WatchWatchWatchMe]

I'm becoming more scared as the days go on. My bitterness has eaten me alive. I'm constantly down. I'm nearly 38. All my relationships have failed. Men don't see me as someone to marry, they see me as someone to shag and have fun with. I'm not ladylike enough, I'm not dependent enough, I'm not motherly enough, I'm not... homely enough? All the ones I loved made me feel amazing and safe at first then binned me like some disposable old dishrag and set up real lives with proper, better women. Someone said to me once what it's all about in life is finding a team mate who has your back and makes you a priority. I felt like punching him in the face. I've tried online dating. It's like crawling through a cunt ridden swamp. The decent ones... with the greatest of respect... I wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Yeah you have to go by personality but just... no. Not even after a pint of vodka. I'm not even bothered about sex, just a decent conversation and a laugh would do. I have no single friends. I've tried to join groups, there are none. I've tried to volunteer, even they ignored me. I only have a few relatives left, they are all over 60 and I love them immensely. Once they're gone that's it. I might as well be Tom Hanks in Castaway. Someone casually said to me today (without knowing my circumstances) to fix the things in my life that make me unhappy. I laughed in his fucking face. There are so many posters on here who are seemingly in the same soul destroying predicament as me. Where the fuck are you all in real life?

@WatchWatchWatchMe Christ I could have written this post, it's like my own sub-conscience
We're even the same age

I ended up having children with one of the swamp-dwellers - fuck knows why, if I’d not been riddled with “must procreate” hormones, I wouldn’t have touched him with yours.

im 50 and realised this morning (before reading your post) that I’m probably going to die alone. I’ve lived a varied and interesting life and I sink time, money and effort into things which feed MY soul - but I don’t think I’m ever going to enjoy a morning coffee and newspapers with a special someone.

If you want DC's have one alone without waiting for a dp.

Potential DPs will see you at your age as desperate to move forward quickly with a relationship/commitment as they know you are reaching the end of your childbearing years and dont have much time. If you take this out of the equation it will be easier.

Don't want children. Can't stand them. Don't like dogs either - sorry I know that will make everyone hate me but they annoy the tits off me.

You must be quite near to me OP if 20 miles from Brum. I am 20 miles North of Brum. Could you join a singles group. They have one where I am and I think they go out once a week to bowling, cinema type of meet up but also coffee meet ups, walks etc. If you are North of Brum I could get you details.

Been where you are. Got therapy. Made a huge difference for me.

I thought I was left behind, I'm actually still single but quite like it.
My friend who lives in London didn't understand why I thought I was so old to be single, when I went to her 40th I could see why she was so baffled. there was a mix of ages, some single, some coupled very sociable people.
There are people in your position happy and I think the poster who said it takes time for familiarity to turn to friendship has a good point but if you don't want children then the deadline doesn't exist for you.
My Nan got married in her 80's!

I love how direct you are! You will scare off weak, insecure men ( this is not a bad thing) but as a defence mechanism, they may try and make you feel like crap. Don't take it to heart and internalise it.

...And yeah I totally get why you are not attracted to people who look like they don't look after themselves or are heavy drinkers.

Red face, watery eyes, brown teeth I wouldn't either and there's no shame in that.

Maybe you need some therapy OP

I feel your pain. I'd got to the same point, same age, my male relationships had turned out to be financial opportunists or controlling weirdos. Finding a normal sane man who could just enjoy life, have some fun together, not be a user with a hidden agenda, seemed impossible.
Then I fell pregnant with ds, his df morphed into 1950s man and so relationship failed.

Since then, I've just enjoyed raising my child, getting on with my life, and avoided men like the plague. And my ds gives me an excuse. I'm too busy, can't get a baby sitter, I don't want to introduce a new element into ds's life etc.

Until ds leaves which he will in about 5 years, my life is full of colour. After that, I'll have to face the issue again. I'm hoping as I age, it will become less important because I've concluded that a very high proportion of men are lazy, selfish, pointless individuals who aren't worth the air they breathe. One has to face reality.

Hmm. Are you tied to where you live? And are you happy there? I am a bit older than you and also very single, but I live in London where there are lots of single people, which makes it much easier. I imagine Birmingham and other big cities would be similar.

I’m in my 50s and have come to the realisation that life is just shit for a lot of people. As we grow up we’re sold this idea of work hard, be a good person, etc etc and you will have a good life. Only sometimes (maybe often) people do all of those things and it’s still shit. As depressing as it is, many of us are just treading water until we die. I don’t know what the answer is. For myself I just try and find something good in each day. I don’t always succeed. But any small bright spot is all I have so I try to make the most of it. I won’t have a relationship again, the pain from my last one ending broke me. I can’t risk that again. I have some friends but mostly though work and outside of that we don’t have a whole lot in common. At this point I’d probably rather have a good friend than a partner but not sure I’ll find that either. It’s tough and I have no real advice, just empathy.

@FurCoatNoNickers direct is one thing but Op comes across as a bit angry and aggressive. I'm sure that would come across to a potential partner too. It would certainly put me off a person. I get you're hurting @WatchWatchWatchMe but I think some therapy might help.

Why does she need therapy?

I do think the ‘groups’ thing is a bit of a myth. There are not many avenues for meeting people as friends as an adult.

Wish I had an answer for you. I don't have that many female friends as I was bullied when I was younger so drew back into myself. Most of my friends started out as being in my brothers friendship group, my DH was/is one of his friends. All I can tell you is that there are nice single men out there in the same position as you, wondering where the nice women are. Sadly the ones I know are a bit older than you (as am I). I suspect that a lot of men in your position will settle for being single a lot earlier than women do and focus on career, hobbies and friends. The men in our friendship group in this position have been great 'uncles' to our girls and spend their time travelling around the world looking for old steam trains and unusual train journeys, flying to out of the way places on old aircraft. In their younger days women tended to make fun of them as they were a bit "geekish' and not very knowledgeable about dating.

So in short I have no answer but from what I've observed all I'd say is don't focus on not having a relationship, enjoy what you have. Perhaps it'll come perhaps it won't. Focus on enjoying today.

Op lives near a city. Plenty of opportunities to meet people. Sites like Meetup, numerous clubs and groups on Facebook. I've met plenty of friends as adult!

I used to do Meet-up. Problem for me was that you didn’t tend to get the same people turning up each week. Maybe it’s different now.

@Wetsummers depends on the group I guess.

It really is shit and hard, I really feel for you. My best friend was single most of her life - the odd relationship who ended up being shitheads or stalkers 🙄 - till 40. Just before lockdown she met a slow burner - lovely kind Yorkshire man a few years younger than her, financially stable and decent job who doesn’t want kids either. Different to her, much quieter but super lovely and they are now engaged.

I know it’s really hard but I’d keep going through the motions - expand your age range on OLD if possible, maybe enjoy the odd fling with someone who isn’t going to be long term. I’d also keep looking for groups to join. At the same time be really kind to yourself and know that it’s not you, it’s just harder for someone special and quirky (I honestly don’t mean that in a patronising way) to find the right fit in a partner.

No apology needed. I should have listened to you more carefully. A PP said I misread your OP and I did. All apologies on me not you.

It might not be everyone's dream but for a lot of people, it's their reality. The options here are a) learn to live happily or b) be miserable. Are you sure you prefer b?

With respect, that’s utter bollocks.
I can understand why you might say that, but actually it works. If it hasn't worked for you, perhaps you're not ready. I wasn't, for decades. So much time wasted, when I could have been happy.

I’m early 60s, divorced twenty years
I'm 64, divorced 30-some years

I’ve been in the same position and I completely understand what the OP is saying
Me too. That's why I'm sure that what I'm saying is true, accurate and possible. And it makes the whole world of difference. Being happy every day is a wonderful thing.

I’ve done all the self-care, travel
That's external. It's the internal stuff that makes a difference. Mindfulness. Speaking kindly to and of yourself. Establishing reasonable criteria for assessing a moment as happy, and noting every single one. Following your bliss. Decluttering your mind and inner life.

I don’t have the answer
I do have the answer. I've experienced it and I've shared it. It's down to others if they won't listen. Your happiness is there, waiting for you.

I would say invest in therapy too tbh.

I know you're feeling low and sad but actually I think @goldfinchonthelawn has a point. Something hasn't been working out for you. You keep choosing men who ultimately aren't longterm partners for you but who end up with different women.

It's not that you're not good enough but you're missing some signs along the way that these men are not a good longterm pick for you. Therapy will help you spot the patterns.

We all have these patterns by the way. Some people get better early programming than others.

You do sound very angry as well as desperate and sad op. It's not conducive to any sort of relationship and keeps people at a distance. I agree with othere re f8nding some talking therapy to explore all this. I'm sorry you're feeling s9 awful at yhe moment.