To wonder what the fuck is my future going to bring me?

[WatchWatchWatchMe]

I'm becoming more scared as the days go on. My bitterness has eaten me alive. I'm constantly down. I'm nearly 38. All my relationships have failed. Men don't see me as someone to marry, they see me as someone to shag and have fun with. I'm not ladylike enough, I'm not dependent enough, I'm not motherly enough, I'm not... homely enough? All the ones I loved made me feel amazing and safe at first then binned me like some disposable old dishrag and set up real lives with proper, better women. Someone said to me once what it's all about in life is finding a team mate who has your back and makes you a priority. I felt like punching him in the face. I've tried online dating. It's like crawling through a cunt ridden swamp. The decent ones... with the greatest of respect... I wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Yeah you have to go by personality but just... no. Not even after a pint of vodka. I'm not even bothered about sex, just a decent conversation and a laugh would do. I have no single friends. I've tried to join groups, there are none. I've tried to volunteer, even they ignored me. I only have a few relatives left, they are all over 60 and I love them immensely. Once they're gone that's it. I might as well be Tom Hanks in Castaway. Someone casually said to me today (without knowing my circumstances) to fix the things in my life that make me unhappy. I laughed in his fucking face. There are so many posters on here who are seemingly in the same soul destroying predicament as me. Where the fuck are you all in real life?

Personally I think you sound amazing OP.

"I've tried online dating. It's like crawling through a cunt ridden swamp." This has made my day!!!

Omg I hear you .

And im50. I've just hidden my old profiles because Cunt ridden swamp is a bloody understatement.

I've just gone "fuck it" and bought a bottle of wine

What part of the country are you in?

I'm in the Midlands. Around 20 miles from Birmingham

OP have men actually told you these things...not homely enough etc?

No they haven't told me I'm not enough of course not. They just tell me I'm amazing, my independence is refreshing, I'm a one off etc etc all that bollocks. Then eventually it becomes clear they don't make time for me and I'm not that important to them so I fuck them off and next thing they find "the one" while I'm left heartbroken and alone. Again. I do have friends but they're not local to me, they all have families and it takes weeks to organise anything.

As for the undesirables on OLD believe me I don't mean the decent ones who are not my usual type - I don't have a type other than disliking loud, in your face type people. I don't expect Chris Hemsworth. I'm talking the type of men my Uncle used to go out drinking with in seedy pubs. Red faced, watery eyed and brown teeth. Sorry but fuck that let's be realistic whilst I'm not Jennifer Lawrence I'm not unattractive. I'm lonely I'm not desperate. Sorry to be cruel but the people telling me to just "give them a chance" would not have sex with these men themselves in a billion years.

Everyone else is sympathising with you so I'll take the opposite viewpoint.

Do you ask yourself why all the 'nice' men are so repulsive to you?

I have a lovely friend like you - she is sixty now and has been alone for most of her life. She is really attractive, always was - funny, clever, warm, strongly independent. Twice since I've known her, she's had lovely boyfriends- funny, brilliant, really lively, full of energy, adored her, loved doing interetsing thinsg with her, took her on brilliant dates. Men who were good and who valued her in a way she seemed to find sexually repulsive. Yet she'd happily shack up with absolute turds who borrowed thousands from her, who bought her, no joke, a box of laundry powder for her birthday so she could do his shirts. Or who still slept in the same bed as their 'ex' because she was 'mad' and would harm herself unless he pretended to get engaged to her/buy a house with her etc etc. Unbelievable shit she put up with but found good men repulsive. It's a mystery to me and if I were you, I'd solve it.

And the defeatist attitude of 'there are no clubs' and at charities they 'ignored' me. They're not there to give you special attention. Just get on with the bloody job. In my experience, it takes two years of doing any voluntary work or club before familiarity turns into actual friendship. You need to be around long enough to be a loved, respected member of a team, so when some gorgeous new man joins, he gets the sense that you are valued. You may hate the idea, you may think laughs and shags should be enough, but the person who said they want a partner who has their back isn't wrong. I think men especially look for a woman who will enhance their life, their social standing in some way. I don't respect or admire this attitude particularly, I just notice it.

Blimey goldfinch I feel like you are replying to a different post than the one I read.

How about dating women?

@EmmaH2022 - I know it is a bit harsh - I did say I was palying devil's advocate. But everyone else was saying, 'Know what you mean, poor you' etc. And I was just wondering whether exploring some of the vitriol and repulsion against good men and better mindsets would be worth OP's while.

The decent ones... with the greatest of respect... I wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Yeah you have to go by personality but just... no. Not even after a pint of vodka. Er, why?

and

Someone said to me once what it's all about in life is finding a team mate who has your back and makes you a priority. I felt like punching him in the face.
Again, why? What's wrong with wanting that?

and
I've tried to join groups, there are none. I've tried to volunteer, even they ignored me. But we all know there are groups and that it can take time for newcomers to settle into the routines in voluntary work. You have to just give it time. If you charge in with impatience expecting the world to welcome you just for turning up, it won't.

and
Someone casually said to me today (without knowing my circumstances) to fix the things in my life that make me unhappy. I laughed in his fucking face.
Again, why? Why not work out why good men are repulsive and perpetual brimming anger turns people off?

What did you get from the post that I missed? (I'm not being snide here, to you or OP. I genuinely want to know. OP sounds bloody miserable and aggrieved at life. That is a big turn off for most men. They like an easier life.

goldfinch "What did you get from the post that I missed?"

I'm not going to answer all of this because I cba

it is easy to miss context on the internet and I think you might have done that here.

Generally, I don't think it's civil to kick someone when they are down. As well as wondering what you read, I wanted to stop you doing that OP. No, I am not the thread police. But I wandered by and saw that kicking, and hopefully stopped it.

OP - I really hope your luck changes.

*to OP

@goldfinchgoldfinchonthelawn are you really that dense?

Again, why? What's wrong with wanting that?

Do you really think I think there's something wrong with wanting that?? Or maybe... just maybe I wanted it so much myself I don't need to be patronised over it? As if I don't know that's "what it's all about" I know that more than the ones who found it. I live it every single fucking day.

I wonder if it’s something to do with where you live?

I’ve found it’s easier to meet people if you live in a walkable small town or village with a strong community vibe. Just going about your business, you tend to see the same faces, and when you’re not in your car, it’s easier to say hello, and eventually stop for a chat.

Getting a dog helps massively, too. It gets you out and about and talking to other dog owners.

@WatchWatchWatchMe

I'm sorry. I was overly critical and insensitive to how you were feeling. I think I leapt in with harsh judgement because I used to be in your position - never 'The One', always someone men wanted to have a fling or affair with but other women were the keepers. And over time I realised I was actually quite hard work and prickly and put up lots of barriers that deep down I wanted them to tear down but on the surface sent them off to easier relationships. So I worked a lot on that, and stopped looking for quick fixes, and looked at how to be happy outside of a relationship and then met DH who, as it happened had been through a very similar process. So I should have been a lot more understanding but instead pushed you the way that pushing myself worked. But that is never a solution. Everyone finds their own way. Sorry you are feeling as you do. It is shit.

This is perhaps not helpful, but I just wanted to say, I love your writing style. You sound witty, intelligent and funny. Absolutely love, 'cunt ridden swamp' . I Your soul mate is out there. Keep being you

I agree with this, so much of it resonates. It is about enriching your life for yourself, without thinking the end to all your problems lies with finding a long term partner. It really isn't the end to your problems, finding a partner brings up new issues that have to be dealt with.

Finding things that you enjoy, on your own maybe. If it's tennis, or badminton, or sewing, or reading, there is a group of like minded people out there. Friends are important, and meeting and making friends is about getting out there.

No advice @WatchWatchWatchMe but your post made me laugh & I’m in the same boat! X

Get a dog.
You'll never be unhappy if you have a miniature schnauzer in your life.

Men are meh. Dogs, on the other hand, are amazing.

I know someone who gave up and ended up building a life with her best friend, who was in the same situation. Its working brilliantly a few years down the track. Shared expenses/a mortgage, and they still love each others company. Both date casually but neither are now looking for a long term partner, and feel they have found a long term partner which satisfies all their needs (aside from sexually). Sounds ideal to me.

Okay. I'm sorry for attacking you. I'm just in so much pain x

Cunt ridden swamp. Genius.

Hello. Xxx firstly, I get it. Seems many do. I'm 47 almost 48, just out of an engagement and facing the future.

I want to say to all the people here tho, as I always say to this same issue - go to music nights.

There is always a gig somewhere. People do go on their own. The same people go. You could even find the one music venue and go to just that one.

I was never a pub goer or a drinker. But I am a guitar player and singer, so I'd go to open mics. Then I started to play open mics. Then small gigs came along.

All of this is done with people I met there week after week, and the social circles just get bigger.

And the music scene is full of men. And always available as something is usually on.

I have felt sad and had to go thro the usual 'what now's when I've become single, but I've always had the music scene to fall back on.

Let me recommend it to you xx I'll see you at the small table for two and we can sit together and drink our lime and soda or beer and look at everything xx

You could even go to something tonight...

In fact, where is your closest music venue? What's playing later?? Theres house music at one of mine...

I'm sorry you feel like this OP. there was a thread the other day about how difficult it is to date in your late thirties - I hadn't realised. (I'm much older and I think because there isn't any question of having/wanting kids, it's just easier).

What do you like doing? What makes you happy? I would focus on that. Can you write a list? I think take the focus away from meeting people (men or women) and focus on yourself.

How about running? Do you like doing that - maybe joining a running club . Joining a book group, or a choir. I realise loads of people have probably suggested this, but really I think it's the answer. Focus on what YOU enjoy. and do more of that.

And when I moved cities in my mid 30s, and then again in my 40s, and knew no one in either city, I took someone's advice and never turned down an invitation. Never said no. This works for me actually (in work and life) and I end up doing things and meeting people I never expect to.