Is life just more difficult for some people?

[MynameisJune]

Does anyone else just feel like life is more difficult for them? Like I’ve been unlucky my whole life, nothing is ever simple or straightforward. Things just always seem to go wrong, I’m always the one that needs to call and chase for stuff.

Like I booked a flight recently and realised there was an error on my flight details so had to chase a resolution. In the past I’ve had issues with being charged for stuff that I shouldn’t have been and then having to chase for a refund etc.

Maybe everyone’s life is like this and I just don’t know but I genuinely feel like some people just sail through life and others don’t.

Pretty sure stuff like wrong charges and admin issues happen to everyone. We just got back from an event that was cancelled as we arrived. DP passport never scans so always have to go to the desk, train was delayed two weeks ago so had to leg it through the airport.

Some people definitely have harder lives, but random shit like that happens to almost everyone.

I'm also autistic so I get the feeling like these are bigger things but, honestly, I've been homeless, had to cut out a close family member or risk having my children removed from my care due to their behaviour, been dragged up and downstairs by my hair, amongst many, many other things.

I'd be feeling pretty lucky if all I'd had to deal with were a couple of admin errors, if I'm honest...

And I also agree about it being a mindset.

I was quite upset once that, after a recent 'WTF??' experience, someone said to me, quite bitterly, that I always seem to land on my feet.

And I always do. But that's because I'm quite resilient in spite of everything and don't spend any time asking "Why me?"

1. I think it’s mostly confirmation bias
2. And also not having the data for comparison. When so many of life minor annoyances are - well, minor annoyances! - why wouldn’t anyone tell you about them? I have to sort out “admin error” stuff all the time, but I rarely tell anyone.
3. I think some people have the tendency to sweat the small stuff so they just think it’s more difficult
4. Some people create their own issues. Like a friend of mine today on FB “why is it always me?” when a pair of shoes orders for a party on next day delivery didn’t arrive (heatwave related I think) Well - a lot of people don’t leave it to the last minute so don’t even think about being hard done by

Everyone has rough times! It's what shapes a person.

I've had many bereavements, debts, illness, worry about the kids/grandkids, etc. I was on a ventilator for 2 weeks with Covid last year, during which time I had a stroke - I had a few months of having to learn to sit, stand, walk, talk, feed and wash myself, etc.

If all I'd had to worry about was an error with some flights, I'd think myself very lucky indeed (not had a holiday anywhere at all for 4 years). The fact the you're autistic might explain why trivial annoyances bother you so much

I think a lot comes down to attitude. My partner gets really affected by work stress in a way that I don't - not because his job is always more stressful, but because he takes things so personally and cannot compartmentalise.

I also think some people are just life's victims and their negativity attracts negative energy

Yes I think some people do.

Not me.

My partner has things go wrong regularly. My best friend is completely incompetent. They are chasing unresolved issues for months. For instance. Other people I know are going through minor inconveniences and major problems but I don't really get these problems.

I've always wondered why to be honest.

Don't get me wrong I have had my share of problems in my life. Homelessness, unemployment, debt, relationships, bereavements etc.

Maybe I am just more resilient and better at sorting out the life admin. I always feel like I come up smelling of roses.

I have a friend like this - has not worked for 22 years yet seems to catastrophize everything. Like the past 2 days multiple fb posts about how she can't cope in the heat, yet doesn't actually have to do anything other than sit on the sofa in front of a fan, always going on about how hard life is because she wants to live back in her home country, can't afford to visit often yet not actually not willing to do anything about her situation at all. I just want to give her a shake.

I think there’s probably two different scenarios of “difficult” here. One, yes I do see some people who (on the face of it) seem to have suffered a statistically disproportionate amount of premature or tragic deaths in immediate family, or diagnosed with cancer etc. E.g. I have an older friend who has now had 2 husbands die of cancer - yet I have no-one in my immediate family diagnosed.

but the other stuff, admin / travel errors etc …. Is it confirmation bias you’d call it?? Like buying a yellow car, suddenly all you see are yellow cars.
coupled with the fact that some people just see that kind of stuff as normal / average / everyday life-admin, so you’ll probably never hear them talk about it …. Other folk will take 3 hours to tell you they were over-charged by 5p and it was a deliberate ploy to wind them up 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

I think there are some people who do definitely end up with the shitty end of the stick in life, but those people aren’t necessarily the people you would think - I’ve had significantly more major misfortunes in my life than average - dad died when I was 10, major loss of hearing leaving me disabled in the same incident, violently raped and almost murdered aged 20, several late term miscarriages and infertility in my 30s. My DH has significant MH problems which makes home life difficult. Nobody outside of my direct family know anything about most of these, and even my mother doesn’t know the details of any of the stuff that happened as an adult, as I’ve tried to shield her.

On the plus side, I now have an expectation that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, which means that I persevere with everything I want to achieve, and generally do quite well for myself in terms of home, career, travel etc. And I am naturally quite a bubbly cheerful person. So you wouldn’t know the rest of it to look at me.

Obviously, yes. But some people have difficult lives and don't let it get to them so they don't feel it. Others have easy lives but make every small bad thing a massive bad thing

I do know some people who seem to have been very unlucky through no fault of their own. Serious family illness, bereavements, a dh who’s not very nice, children who’ve been a sad disappointment - lazy, refusing to work or going to prison, etc.
Sometimes I feel so guilty for having been relatively lucky (so far, anyway, touch wood) and it’s not down to anything I’ve done, just the luck of the draw.

Here is how I look at things @MynameisJune .

I couod see myself as very unlucky. I’m diagnosed with a chronic illness that is very debilitating and for which there is no cure at all. So you could say that’s very unlucky and is making my life quite hard.
Ive also had the issues you are mentioning, some of which I really couldn’t have done anything to prevent them, some of them are down to the brain fog I often experience (and then I’m making mistakes….)
It would be very easy for me to say my life is much harder than for other people. And objectively, it is.

However, I have made a choice a while ago.
My choice is look at what I have. So I’m feeling grateful/lucky that I have no financial worries (or none too great) for example. I have a roof over my head and I’m grateful for that. I’m feeling lucky that the melon I ate this evening was sweet, juicy and very good taste wise. Etc…

The result is that I don’t FEEL like I’m unlucky and my life is harder than 80% of people. I’m trying to enjoy what I can enjoy, realise the luck of what I have rather than concentrate in the hardship. I have two great dcs. I am safe in my home (in all sense of the word). If I have a bad night due to pain, I can stay in bed in the morning because I’m not working etc….

I think it’s the case with a lot of people tbh. Often the lucky ones are those who seem to sail through stuff because they approach them in a different way. You can struggle through an issue (whatever it is. Some will be like the ones you describe, some will be harder/harsher, some might not even register on your own radar). But if you start thinking about hard things are, how unfair it is that it ALWAYS happens to you etc… it will make things even harder. It will add to the struggle you already have iyswim. It then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Btw I think what helped me too is to realise that life IS hard.

I remember reading that from a Buddhist perspective the first time. I thought I was extremely negative.
But the reality is that we will ALL have hardships. Some will be very visible (eg an illness, death of a partner….), some will be less so (eg trauma in childhood, or undiagnosed autism).

Accepting there will always be some challenges around has made a difference to me. My challenges will be different for me than you, your partner or mine. But they will be challenges.
So nowadays, I tend to think that I have my own challenges and other people have their own. And it’s not worth trying to judge who has it worse - in part because it’s impossible!

I worked with someone who was always going on about how unfortunate they were, despite having quite a charmed life. What I found interesting was how many around her accepted her narrative and when I asked them in what way was she unfortunate they couldn't say. So for many I think how you deal with them things matters hugely

I think life is more difficult for some people, in the way that you describe, and, for a certain group, that is because of their autism.

For instance, on my brother's last two holidays, the first one, he found £1,300 had gone from his bank account, and, on the second holiday, one flight cost £200 too much and the other was overcharged by £350. He was in the zone and panicking for two hours, but then let the resolution process, and the bank action, take its course, and chilled down and became resigned. My ex-husband, who I'm sure is somewhat autistic ( Asperger's), would have made a real mountain out of this and would have become really upset and unable to focus on anything else..
I don't know if I'm autistic, but not diagnosed, but certainly a bit dyspraxic, I think and seem to do one thing well at a time. One thing I do to reduce stress, which my ex doesn't do, is always check I have my phone and my wallet and my key. I'm prepared to double-check the detail. My ex is always leaving his phone or bank cards somewhere, and just stuffs them in his jacket pocket, unable to step up the checking.

I would, additionally, if I went on holiday, be prepared to go through a company which does all the planning and booking. I dedicate time to trying to make sure admin and practical things don't go wrong; sleep early; get up and write work reports early and have a hierarchy of priorities which I addressed in order and don't overstretch myself. That way, I don't get stressed and life is manageable.

I hope you find a coping strategy to reduce your stress too.

I think some people do have it worse, through poverty, ill health and so on.

If I crashed my car tomorrow, I can afford to replace it, and I don't need to replace it that quickly anyway - I can work from home, and walk to more than one supermarket and the railway station and bus station. But other people don't have the financial buffer and having no transport would put their job at risk and it could easily become a nasty vicious cycle.

If something like redundancy happens when you're already under major stress like a cancer diagnosis or bereavement, it's all harder to deal with. It's times like that when you drop a glass in the kitchen and it sets off seemingly endless tears, whereas other times, you'd just swear and sweep it up and get another glass out.

But I think it can also be mindset/attitude. I had a date about 10 days ago, and he moaned about everything, including all the bad dates he'd been on. There's a common factor to them... I imagine that he's added another bad date to the list, and is increasingly puzzled about his bad dating luck, whereas I've gained a funny dating story and moved on. But a few months ago, I'd have probably puzzled over why no one normal seemed to find me attractive, but a good friend made me see things differently. Not everyone will have a friend like that who can cause an attitude shift.

Of course it is. Not everyone has the same life therefore some lives will be more difficult than others. Even two people in the exact same situations can have vastly different reactions to it, so the exact same life could still be more difficult for someone simply based on how they are. Life is not "fair".

I don’t think I have bad luck per se, but I have raging ADHD and it’s made my life quite hard. I have terrible time blindness so I’m late a lot, procrastinate everything, lose everything because I basically have no object permanence…it’s a lot. My executive dysfunction is terrible and I really struggle to complete almost anything.

I also have some weird proprioceptive disorder where I can’t seem to figure out where my body is, more or less. So I bump into things, can’t really judge speed or distance or picture things in reverse, so I can’t drive.

I have to work so flipping hard just to maintain a basic level of adulthood, but to a casual observer I probably seem quite lazy.

However, my brain is what it is and I am quite gifted at some things, and I’m overall a really happy person.

"My life isn’t incredibly difficult, it just seems more so compared to others in my social circle."

But people tend to share positive things more than negative things ? So it's a beautiful illusion that their life is easy but it may or may not be the reality.

I also think perspective does play a part. I have a friend who is persuaded she is massively unlucky. Because she has convinced herself of this, any minor thing that goes wrong is just a confirmation to her that her life always goes wrong. But to a point she is also the maker of her own woes. She often insists on doing things the hard way despite there being an easier/safer way to do things, even when people advise her about this.

Another thing is that she thinks she may have endometriosis but won't seek medical help. I mean yes it's unlucky to have endo but it's her choice to let it get worse and impact her life.

And it's also a matter of a cup half-empty. For instance once her flight got delayed. It turned out to be really lucky because it allowed us to do part of the journey to the airport together. But I'm sure she would only remember that her flight got delayed and how unlucky that is.

This being said - yes, of course some people face more challenges than others, for any number of reasons. But thinking that you're unlucky doesn't help. Try to look at the bright side of things.

For instance, i had a huge row with my parents and our relationship will never be the same again. I might think this is unlucky, but I can also think that it made me more free and indépendant from them.

Like I booked a flight recently and realised there was an error on my flight details so had to chase a resolution. In the past I’ve had issues with being charged for stuff that I shouldn’t have been and then having to chase for a refund etc.

But this is just everyday stuff malfunctioning, as it often does...

An actual difficult life involves poverty, neglect, being abused as a child, rape, attempted murder, dealing with chronic illness, chronic pain, life-limiting diseases, domestic violence, living in a warzone... etc etc.

The small stuff doesn’t bother me but as the child of a single parent then yes, some people are born far more fortunate than others.
I was and still am envious of those born into loving, stable families, I wasn’t.
I stopped caring years ago but now that my mother is getting older and needs me more I’m feeling it again,
I am fortunate in other ways but I would have loved to have the home life of others with wealthy parents who provided for them and will leave an inheritance for their dcs.
I get sick and tired of people whose parents bought them stuff throughout their life when I got hardly anything.
Then they got free childcare and the help and kindness of their parents.
I always grew up knowing I was a mistake and quite frankly that’s the reason I am pro choice up to any time.
Yes some people manage to get out of poverty blah blah blah but when you have a crap start in life both financially and emotionally it does affect you.

I hear you, OP.
I had a difficult early life (although on the surface it looked fine) and it took years of therapy to process. It also impacted my ability to progress career wise due to severe MH difficulties. Peers who had a secure childhood are now employed in some pretty impressive roles, whereas I’m not (although now I’m better MH wise, I’m looking to progress)

Day to day things often go wrong for me (not things I can control). DD recently commented that I’m “not very lucky” and that’s how I feel. Life generally is more of a struggle for me than others, even though I’m a pretty optimistic person overall!

It’s been a hell of a year so far with the sudden, traumatic death of a family member, which I witnessed and another family member being diagnosed with a life limiting condition. Plus the loss of three pets

That said, I’m grateful for when things do tick along ok, I’d just really like a break from it all

Honestly it's all about perspective and how you deal with a challenge / set back.

I had a really awful childhood and adulthood has not been straight forward either but I choose life. I use the trauma as inspiration to move forward because if I am honest it's the only way I could survive.

For example: I was abused as a child, I used that to fuel my career choice of joining the police to stop it happening to others

I have been in mental hospitals as a teen, suffered with ptsd etc I value this weight xperience as it gives me empathy

I honestly believe when you have been so low there are only 2 choices, and you choose life everything else pales in significance

The mistakes / admin errors and refunds etc you mention happen to everyone I reckon. Some people find it more stressful than others depending on their temperament or what else is going on in their life at the time

Absolutely this, but yes, there are people who are unlucky, illnesses, accidents that aren't their fault etc