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Original poster

12 year old boy and 3 year old girl - what level of supervision?

101 replies

Hudsonandco · 03/07/2022 19:26

I know where I stand on this but I face quite a bit of resistance from relatives which makes me wonder if I’m being paranoid.

12 year old boy is quite immature for his age (not overly clued up on sex and no access at all to unsupervised internet). This is largely because there are some behavioural problems and it’s clear that internet access wouldn’t be a good thing for him. He loves playing with my 3 year old DD. He’s young for his age and can get into all the daft role play. She adores him.

Relatives are very blasé and would happily let them go and play in an upstairs bedroom unsupervised, share a bath together or even have a sleepover in the same room. None of these things happen because I’m completely firm on them not taking place.

Would you relax a little or do you think it would be weird to? And do you think it’s a generational thing that relatives think I’m being paranoid for putting those boundaries in place?

OP posts:
alpenguin · 03/07/2022 19:29

Is he the 3 year olds brother? Has he shown any signs he’d behave inappropriately?

if not then you’re being paranoid.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/07/2022 19:35

Well, no to sharing a bath 🙄 no idea who thought that would fly. Why would a 12to want a sleep over with a 3 yo. Totes boring
for them or whatever the kids say these days.

just in general don’t think a 12 yo is mature enough to supervise a 3 yo for a prolonged time and out of view of adults like for example upstairs.

my 10 yo (at the time) DD used to entertain a 4 yo DD Of my friends for up to an hour but on the same floor. She said it was hard work that tested her patience 😂

motogirl · 03/07/2022 19:41

Playing fine, bath no, sleepover probably fine

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Starseeking · 03/07/2022 19:44

Hold your boundaries firm OP. If there's no need to do it, and you're not comfortable with it, don't do it.

alexdgr8 · 03/07/2022 19:45

well i am an older person, and i don't agree with your relatives.
so i don't think it's generational.
were they hippies or something?
as someone else said, he cannot be left responsible for a toddler, that's too much and risky in all kinds of ways.
you are correct.

NerrSnerr · 03/07/2022 19:47

The bath would be 100% no but the others it really depends. Do you have concerns about his behaviour?

Original poster
Hudsonandco · 03/07/2022 19:53

Not siblings. He really loves my DD and is always desperate to help get her food ready, help her get dressed etc and would love to give her a bath and have a sleepover with her. Like I said, he’s not a typical 12 year old in that sense. All of these things push my buttons a bit because of his age and the fact a ‘normal’ 12 year old would be quite strange for wanting to do those things. His keenness is what sets alarm bells ringing for me.

He is very challenging behaviour wise. Very sweet with my DD but extremely volatile and confrontational with adults. He doesn’t go to a mainstream school for these reasons and that’s partly why he’s able to be sheltered from a lot of the things that typical 12 year olds are exposed to these days.

OP posts:
Howmanysleepsnow · 03/07/2022 19:54

I’d have zero problem with them playing together or having a sleepover. Just because he’s 12 doesn’t mean he’d be sexually interested in your DD, I’m really unsure why that’d even occur to you unless there’s some massive backstory.
Bathing together would be a no from me because by 3 (earlier actually) I’d be teaching DD about some body parts being private.

LemonLimePies · 03/07/2022 19:54

I wouldn't be happy with that happening with my daughter so I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. This is especially the case for the baths and sleepovers. Regarding playing unsupervised in a bedroom would depend on several things - if that was to happen it would be door open with me popping in/walking past at regular intervals.

Sprogonthetyne · 03/07/2022 19:58

I'm not sure the 12 year old would want to do any of that, but most wouldn't concern me with siblings. Bath I'd probably avoid, as I can't see any reason for it to happen, but sleeping in the same room fine, especially if staying somewhere where there was only one spare room so it's practical not just for fun.

Playing unsupervised seems fine for a short while, especially as in most houses it will be in hearing, if not sight of adults. I'd pop in every now and then to make sure everyone was happy, and make it clear to the 12 year old he wasn't expected to babysit, and could stop playing any time he wanted.

legalseagull · 03/07/2022 19:59

Your alarm bells are ringing. That's all that matters. She's your child. Don't give in just to appease other people.

MattDamon · 03/07/2022 20:01

There have been many threads on Mumsnet over the years about posters being touched by older male family friends/relatives. Mine was a teenage neighbour. No one seemed to think it was odd he was always cuddling and paying extra attention to me.

IMO, the parent's job is to keep their kids out of these situations before they happen. So no, a 12-year-old male should not be alone with a young girl.

SaintHelena · 03/07/2022 20:05

3 is too young - they don't know what is acceptable- I wouldn't risk it.
Why is the twelve year old wanting to be with her away from others. surely they'll just play where everyone else is.

GettingEnoughMoonshine · 03/07/2022 20:06

Absolutely fucking not.
He wants to dress and bathe her? Sleepover with her? Wtf? Tell him to ask his mum for a doll.
Do not let him unsupervised with your DD.
He is volatile , nice to your DD SO FAR - probably in hopes she'll keep his secrets. He is not a safe person to have her around.

Surprised you even need to ask. Think of your DD.

Notagain76 · 03/07/2022 20:06

what mentality age does he have, although he’s 12 does he behave like a 3 year old? I wouldn’t allow bath time but would allowed a paddling pool, obviously supervised, probably wouldn’t allow a sleep over as what would your 3 year old get out of it

123wombles · 03/07/2022 20:06

Trust your instinct- always

hattie43 · 03/07/2022 20:09

No , an emotionally immature 12 yr old and prone to outbursts is not someone I'd have unsupervised around any toddler tbh , things can go wrong in the blink of an eye

Original poster
Hudsonandco · 03/07/2022 20:13

He probably is more like a 9 year old in his mentality. As I’ve said, he does have behavioural problems. Some of that is low self-esteem and because of this he likes having the upper hand in any situation. With my DD that means taking on a caring role and with adults it means regular and unpleasant confrontation. My relatives think the caring side should be encouraged as it will help his confidence. He is very keen to effectively play ‘dad’ to my DD and will take any opportunity to be alone with her or parent her. I don’t think it’s malicious, but I think if any normal 12 year old curiosity took over then it would make it very easy for a bad situation to happen.

My boundary on this is strong and not negotiable. I just wanted other people’s perspectives.

OP posts:
Jessica60 · 03/07/2022 20:14

Definitely no

daretodenim · 03/07/2022 20:14

Your alarm bells are ringing. That's all that matters. She's your child. Don't give in just to appease other people.

This.
In bold.

AdriannaP · 03/07/2022 20:14

Absolutely not. No way would I allow this.

i have a 13 year old boy in my family and he wouldn’t be at all interested in those things with my DD. A few years ago he would occasionally play a bit with her but that was it. I would definitely not let him have a bath with her or a sleepover. (Not that he would want to) Seems very inappropriate to me. I think you are a bit naive in thinking a 12 year old is not clued about sexual things.

anyway as others have said your priority must be your daughter and her safety not the feelings of others.

Kastri · 03/07/2022 20:15

No I wouldnt leave them unsupervised.If he wants to play let him do it where you can see them.
I know you said he is young for his age but physically his body will have the same development as other boys his age and exploration etc is bound to happen during puberty.He may be totally innocent in his requests but you cant allow any risk of harm to your daughter.

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:15

Would you feel as uncomfortable if the 12 year old was a girl? I think in those circumstances it would be seen as very normal for a 12 year old girl to be helping out with the 3 year old. I don't think it's any different for a boy. The only thing I wouldn't allow is the Bath and obviously not leaving them unsupervised for huge amounts of time.
My 3 year old DD often gets taken off into another room by older girls when we are at friends houses. They all seem to enjoy it and I don't see anything wrong with it all.

AdriannaP · 03/07/2022 20:16

Do you leave them alone together at all? If he has a mental age of 9 and is prone to outbursts that doesn’t seem like a good idea…

Navigatingnewwaters · 03/07/2022 20:16

legalseagull · 03/07/2022 19:59

Your alarm bells are ringing. That's all that matters. She's your child. Don't give in just to appease other people.

Precisely

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