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Original poster

12 year old boy and 3 year old girl - what level of supervision?

101 replies

Hudsonandco · 03/07/2022 19:26

I know where I stand on this but I face quite a bit of resistance from relatives which makes me wonder if I’m being paranoid.

12 year old boy is quite immature for his age (not overly clued up on sex and no access at all to unsupervised internet). This is largely because there are some behavioural problems and it’s clear that internet access wouldn’t be a good thing for him. He loves playing with my 3 year old DD. He’s young for his age and can get into all the daft role play. She adores him.

Relatives are very blasé and would happily let them go and play in an upstairs bedroom unsupervised, share a bath together or even have a sleepover in the same room. None of these things happen because I’m completely firm on them not taking place.

Would you relax a little or do you think it would be weird to? And do you think it’s a generational thing that relatives think I’m being paranoid for putting those boundaries in place?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 03/07/2022 20:16

3 year old needs to be under adult supervision, not because of a sexual threat from the 12 year old boy, which is presumably what you suspect, but because you can’t expect a 12 year old to keep a toddler safe.

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:18

I'm amazed that people are keeping their three year olds under constant supervision. Very normal amongst everyone I know for children to go off and play in another room when in someone's home. Even better if there is an older child to keep an eye on them. Obviously out and about it's different.

Original poster
Hudsonandco · 03/07/2022 20:22

I have never left them alone together. I have left my DD playing alone with a 3 year old boy (me in the room next door) but I wouldn’t entertain it in this scenario. For me it is very much about a possible sexual threat and I don’t think that’s a bizarre suggestion of what could happen. It frustrates me greatly that my relatives don’t see that and I think that’s surely how abuse happens.

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Original poster
Hudsonandco · 03/07/2022 20:24

@TwiggletLover groups situations, yes. And my DD will play upstairs with friends without me there. I don’t think anything of that at all. This is very much because of the ages involved.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 03/07/2022 20:24

It seems like he's using your dd as a prop in his fantasy/games. I think my main concern would be what happens when dd doesn't play the role he wants her to?

I'd be concerned from that perspective - that this desire is not coming from a place of altruism but almost a form of play therapy where he is in control and your dd is almost a 'doll' in his game.

The thing is though, you feel uncomfortable and I think it's important that you pay attention to that.

123wombles · 03/07/2022 20:25

Hudson- you are totally right. You’re the Mum, it’s your child and your instincts. You don’t need to justify it for a second. Go with what your gut instinct

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:25

Why do you think there is a potential sexual? Would you feel the same is the 12 year old was a girl? You asked opinions and I think it is very paranoid to presume with no evidence that this 12 year olds interest in your daughter is sexual

Doingmybest12 · 03/07/2022 20:26

I would be teaching about privacy and boundaries to him and your little one. I find it odd that family members are so keen for these things to happen. Completely unnecessary and putting everyone in a vulnerable position. Go with your gut.

AdriannaP · 03/07/2022 20:26

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:15

Would you feel as uncomfortable if the 12 year old was a girl? I think in those circumstances it would be seen as very normal for a 12 year old girl to be helping out with the 3 year old. I don't think it's any different for a boy. The only thing I wouldn't allow is the Bath and obviously not leaving them unsupervised for huge amounts of time.
My 3 year old DD often gets taken off into another room by older girls when we are at friends houses. They all seem to enjoy it and I don't see anything wrong with it all.

Quite frankly depends on the girl. I have young teenage girl relatives and I wouldn’t leave my DD alone with them. No sexual threat but they might show her inappropriate content on socials or do other age inappropriate things. I wouldn’t trust them necessarily with a toddler.

QueenImprov · 03/07/2022 20:26

I think you are right to listen to your instincts, particularly due to his level of keenness to help your daughter with some of these things. I would do the same in your position and would not allow unsupervised time in bedrooms and certainly not baths or sleepovers.

GettingEnoughMoonshine · 03/07/2022 20:27

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:18

I'm amazed that people are keeping their three year olds under constant supervision. Very normal amongst everyone I know for children to go off and play in another room when in someone's home. Even better if there is an older child to keep an eye on them. Obviously out and about it's different.

You wouldn't keep your child under constant supervision around a volitaile 12 year old quite passionate about getting her alone and naked?
In these circumstances it is wildly inappropriate to leave them alone together.

Redrosesandsunsets · 03/07/2022 20:28

No, a 3 year old is unable to speak up. In a group of kids hanging out fine but if it’s a lot of one on one time then no. And no to sleep overs. Even if the 12 year old is more like a 9 year old he can hang out with age appropriate kids. There’s a huge difference in age. They are not siblings.
The thing is speaking up about it these days upsets people. The older child here could easily just bully a 3 year old. It can be like a power play. No, let them okay around people for sure but not separately. No. Protect the younger ones. Protect all kids by having boundaries.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/07/2022 20:28

The bath and sleepover are clearly inappropriate, and I would be keeping a distant eye on playing together out if sight. Not necessarily because of concerns about abuse, but just not endorsing unusual behaviour for DD.

Goodskin46 · 03/07/2022 20:31

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:15

Would you feel as uncomfortable if the 12 year old was a girl? I think in those circumstances it would be seen as very normal for a 12 year old girl to be helping out with the 3 year old. I don't think it's any different for a boy. The only thing I wouldn't allow is the Bath and obviously not leaving them unsupervised for huge amounts of time.
My 3 year old DD often gets taken off into another room by older girls when we are at friends houses. They all seem to enjoy it and I don't see anything wrong with it all.

I was going to say this. I regularly helped out at bath time/ got the the little ones dressed/ undressed for swimming at 12. I have 10 first cousins who lived within walking distance I am the oldest of my "set" of 7. I did enjoy the responsibilty and the cuddles.

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:32

@GettingEnoughMoonshine
I don't think the OP said that the child wanted to get her naked. She just mentioned the Bath which I would view as wanting to be playing a parental role towards the 3 year old.
Again I have a 12 year old goddaughter who absolutely loves to do all the things mentioned with my 3 year old. She doesn't bathe with her but she might help with the bath. But yes obviously it depends on the 12 year old.
However I wouldn't jump to conclusions about the interest being sexual

Shaftedd · 03/07/2022 20:32

Supervised play only. Unfortunately child on child sexual abuse is on the rise and kids get curious about their bodies at about that age. Assume he is interest is innocent, but never put him in a situation where he has unsupervised access to the little girl

YellowHpok · 03/07/2022 20:34

It would be a cold day in hell before my 3yo DD would be left unsupervised with any older male, bar their dad. I would always be in the same room. At about 6 or 7 I relaxed somewhat.

However there are two boys in our extended friendship circle that she is never allowed to be alone with. Nothing specific, just my gut instinct. Thankfully my DH is in full agreement and we have significantly reduced contact.

I'm just not willing to take the chance.

Original poster
Hudsonandco · 03/07/2022 20:35

I think anything has the potential to be sexual when dealing with a 12 year old boy. I think that’s probably a prime age for exploration. I know I experienced things with my childminder’s son, a babysitter’s son and a very troubled ‘friend’ when we were 10 years old. The ‘show me yours and I’ll show you mine’ sort of thing, but I was much younger than the boy in the first two cases and I remember feeling intimidated. Maybe these experiences have coloured my perception and made me paranoid. I just don’t think it’s strange to suggest that a 12 year old might have those things on their mind. Not all the time like some sexual deviants, but maybe in a brief moment of playing a silly game.

OP posts:
TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:40

@YellowHpok
I don't know what your past experiences are but clearly this is massively l paranoid. Not all males are child abusers.
I also think it's very sad to presume that a 12 year old boy can't have an innocent interest in a child. Just because they are on the cusp puberty doesn't mean they are going to turn there sexual attention towards a 3 year old girl.

Cloud16 · 03/07/2022 20:42

I think if your gut instinct is correct then you will be protecting your dd from a potentially scary situation and possible years of trauma and ptsd.

If your gut instinct is wrong, then all that will happen is you might midly irritate some annoying relatives.

Listen to your gut, you'd never forgive yourself if you turned out to be right.

123wombles · 03/07/2022 20:42

Twiglet- it’s not usual to leave your 3 year old in a bath or sleepover without the parent. It’s an instinct thing and isn’t paranoid at all. It’s protecting your child- totally normal

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:42

That being said obviously as a parent you are fully entitled to set your own boundaries with your children but you did ask for opinions about whether you're being paranoid or not

Igmum · 03/07/2022 20:43

Playing is fine. I've seen a fair few kids who struggle socially with kids their own age, at various levels, being great with younger kids. I'd take advantage of this OP and enjoy a cuppa with his parents. Bath together - wtf? Sleepover in same room - probably not.

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming I don't see this as either potentially dangerous or particularly unusual. Your DD will love an older friend and he will enjoy a (limited) bit of responsibility, the rare feeling of being more mature and playing.

Johnnysgirl · 03/07/2022 20:43

What's your relationship with this boy, is he part of your wider family? He seems to spend a lot of time in your company?

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:44

@123wombles
I have said that bathing together would be an obvious no but leaving a 3 year old and 12 year old unsupervised together for a short period of time, absolutely. I was babysitting at the age of 13!