Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

12 year old boy and 3 year old girl - what level of supervision?

101 replies

Hudsonandco · 03/07/2022 19:26

I know where I stand on this but I face quite a bit of resistance from relatives which makes me wonder if I’m being paranoid.

12 year old boy is quite immature for his age (not overly clued up on sex and no access at all to unsupervised internet). This is largely because there are some behavioural problems and it’s clear that internet access wouldn’t be a good thing for him. He loves playing with my 3 year old DD. He’s young for his age and can get into all the daft role play. She adores him.

Relatives are very blasé and would happily let them go and play in an upstairs bedroom unsupervised, share a bath together or even have a sleepover in the same room. None of these things happen because I’m completely firm on them not taking place.

Would you relax a little or do you think it would be weird to? And do you think it’s a generational thing that relatives think I’m being paranoid for putting those boundaries in place?

OP posts:
YellowHpok · 03/07/2022 20:46

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:40

@YellowHpok
I don't know what your past experiences are but clearly this is massively l paranoid. Not all males are child abusers.
I also think it's very sad to presume that a 12 year old boy can't have an innocent interest in a child. Just because they are on the cusp puberty doesn't mean they are going to turn there sexual attention towards a 3 year old girl.

Enough experience to know to be wary.

Both of the kids we have distanced from are troubled to some extent. Both have used inappropriate sexual language infront of my DD in my presence, which they were pulled up sharp on. Not a chance in hell they are getting her alone. No way.

I'd also want to ensure that my DS was never put in a position where he could be acused. Letting a 12 year old bathe a 3 year old unrelated girl is opening him up to the risk of accusation, and I would hate that for my son.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/07/2022 20:46

Personally I think you are being a bit over-cautious in not letting them play together alone upstairs, but when all is said and done she is your DD and nobody here has seen the 12yo or his behaviour with her. You are trusting your gut and even if you’re being completely over cautious that’s reasonable if you feel it’s reasonable.

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:47

@YellowHpok
But you said you wouldn't leave your children alone with any male other than their Dad...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds 3 year olds Families
stargirl1701 · 03/07/2022 20:47

Too big an age gap. Supervised playing only.

Jalepenojello · 03/07/2022 20:48

Bath? No. The rest would be case by case. I have that here but sexes reversed and I have no concerns. But very sadly that could be due to my own prejudice.

Bootothegoose · 03/07/2022 20:49

motogirl · 03/07/2022 19:41

Playing fine, bath no, sleepover probably fine

This.

Unsure the relation but it’s more common than people think for tweens to love spending time with young children. Said child think they’re the dog’s bollocks and that’s quite ego stroking for them.

as for the bath though… that’s fucking weird. However OP, if something feels off, it feels off. Only do what you feel comfortable with.

123wombles · 03/07/2022 20:50

If there were no other alarm bells (like wanting to bath or have a sleepover with her, behavioural issues...) then maybe but it’s all about how secure you feel. Any doubts then you have to listen to them. And yes, from experience this can and does happen.

wonderstuff · 03/07/2022 20:51

Absolutely hold those boundaries. Entirely reasonable in my opinion. Vulnerable small children need adult supervision.

YellowHpok · 03/07/2022 20:52

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 20:47

@YellowHpok
But you said you wouldn't leave your children alone with any male other than their Dad...

Yep.

You seem really keen to play down other people's concerns and boundaries. Why?

BattenburgDonkey · 03/07/2022 20:53

Would you leave your 3 year old unattended with another child upstairs or in the bath? No is (hopefully) the answer. Does a 3 year old need a sleepover? No is the answer. You don’t even need to enter into wether it’s appropriate or not with this particular child, fact is he’s a child, your DD is 3, so she doesn’t get left unattended in these situations, she doesn’t share baths with other people and she’s too young for a sleepover.

CrispieCake · 03/07/2022 20:53

Trust your instincts. Bathing/sleepover absolutely not. Playing together fine for short periods, but tbh a 3yo should be under fairly close parental supervision most of the time - not necessarily watched constantly, but you should know where they are and what they are up to.

Purpleplaydohperson · 03/07/2022 20:54

wonderstuff · 03/07/2022 20:51

Absolutely hold those boundaries. Entirely reasonable in my opinion. Vulnerable small children need adult supervision.

This.

SummerL0ving · 03/07/2022 20:57

A sentence on here that I have seen before and fully agree with is that if it doesn't feel right, it's probably not right. Stand by your boundaries. It is strange IMO for a 12 year old to actively want to spend so much time with a young child like this. Keep your boundaries and keep protecting your daughter. Do not allow your family to cross these boundaries.

MacaroniBaloney · 03/07/2022 20:58

GettingEnoughMoonshine · 03/07/2022 20:06

Absolutely fucking not.
He wants to dress and bathe her? Sleepover with her? Wtf? Tell him to ask his mum for a doll.
Do not let him unsupervised with your DD.
He is volatile , nice to your DD SO FAR - probably in hopes she'll keep his secrets. He is not a safe person to have her around.

Surprised you even need to ask. Think of your DD.

Just this. It's all very odd. I cannot imagine my 12 year old boy having such an interest in a 3 year old. Bathing and getting her dressed? Sleep over?

Not a chance. That level of interest would make me uncomfortable for a variety of interests.

What does your your daughter get out of this? A 3 year old does not need a 12 year old friend.

Remember, the wishes of a male (even a 12 year old) do not override the safety of a female.

Sally872 · 03/07/2022 20:58

For me, no for bath, yes for sleepover (if a favour to the parents ie me babysitting 12 year old, don't see the need otherwise). Yes to playing upstairs. I am not worried about my 11 year old nephew playing with younger cousins for example.

I don't think your boundaries are unreasonable either. Keeping a closer eye just in case is fine too.

MacaroniBaloney · 03/07/2022 20:58

For interests read reasons.

TwiggletLover · 03/07/2022 21:02

@YellowHpok
The op has asked for opinions on a public forum about whether her actions are paranoid and I have given my thoughts on that.
You have offered your opinion that you feel it is too risky to allow your children to be alone with any male and I've offered my opinion that I don't all boys/ men are potential child abusers.
I've already said that of course everyone is entitled to make their own boundaries with their own children

Summerwhereareyou · 03/07/2022 21:17

Dear lord!!

Why a bloody bath???

Why baths?

Wasn't there something recently about grandad popping in the bath with granddaughter??

Why??

It's absolutely not necessary.

Summerwhereareyou · 03/07/2022 21:21

Op trust your instincts and say no.

Your dd isn't a tool to help this boys troubles.
Playing completely supervised for short periods yes.
Don't let him get too attached.
Otherwise anything else no

breathslowly7 · 03/07/2022 21:32

My DS has 3 younger sisters and would have maybe had a bath with the 5 year old when 10 as a one off as a novelty, with me supervising but not older, he wanted his privacy and not enough space in the bath. He sometimes shared a bedroom with his sisters if we were staying with friends but nothing else. I think the large age gap between these two children make the suggestions seem inappropriate to say a 8 and 10 year old.

StrangerTides13 · 03/07/2022 21:38

Stick to your guns about this. My 9yo daughter wouldn't be interested in doing that with a 3yo, not sure why a 12yo boy would be.

Listen to your gut instinct.

username00 · 03/07/2022 21:46

I would go with your gut on this

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 03/07/2022 21:49

I can’t even believe some people are ok with the idea of a sleepover, to be honest. Sleepover in the same room? I just can’t imagine leaving my 3 year old with a 12 year old boy all night. I know maybe that sounds really irrational but my instincts are pinging like crazy at just the thought of that.

Original poster
Hudsonandco · 03/07/2022 22:00

I think it depends on the child and if you’re surrounded by well-adjusted children then this might not make sense. I was capable of babysitting younger children from age 12. One of my siblings was capable at the same age. The other probably didn’t reach that until they were 18. Just different levels of maturity. I don’t think these issues would arise with a mature 12 year old because they wouldn’t be so keen to do these things with a 3 year old and I would feel like I was using the 12 year old as childcare, which is inappropriate. That’s completely different to how I feel about this situation though. This isn’t a mature 12 year old.

OP posts:
FavouritePi · 03/07/2022 22:03

stargirl1701 · 03/07/2022 20:47

Too big an age gap. Supervised playing only.

This.

Go with your gut instinct, OP. I feel you are right and especially so based on experiences you've mentioned. I have been in the same situation, and also had other traumatic experiences in childhood. I'd rather be a bit "overprotective" if that's how someone else wants to label it.

Your child is not this 12 year old's learning tool. They need to get him therapy and other support he needs. Stick to your guns.