Living abroad sucks aka now I'm not satisfied anywhere

[Kinsters]

We've lived in Malaysia for almost 7 years and now we've got two small children we're thinking about when we might move back to the UK. I've realised that I won't be totally happy in either place and wish I could mash the two together. Which would you pick to live in? Or what do you love about somewhere else in the world that you wish you could bring to the UK?

UK pros = family and friends, the weather (yes it is often rainy and a bit cold but it's so mild I feel like you can dress for it. There's no dressing for 30° heat and 90% humidity), the provisions for children are so much better - parks, museums, softplay, farms also everyone speaks English so it's easier to connect with people.

Malaysia pros = it's so cheap we can afford a nice house and a live in nanny/cleaner to help out, eating out is cheap, petrol is cheap, basically everything that's not imported is cheap, we live in a lovely neighbourhood with really nice neighbours, DH has a very secure job that pays fine, weirdly I like that there's no seasons as I can wear the same clothes all year plus when I wake up I know whether it's time to get up or not by whether it's light.

Not sure how I can ask why haven't you learnt the language or why can't you work in longer sentences. But defensive, much??!!

@Kinsters you may wish to reframe the opportunities available to your children through a different lens.

If you stay in Malaysia (and maybe consider moving areas if you are not keen where you are) your children could become fluent in Mandarin, possibly Malay, Tamil etc.

A British national fluent in Mandarin will have a wealth of opportunities when they are older.

One thing you need to remember is that the U.K. has changed since you’ve left 7 years ago.
it’s always hard to fit back in when you move to a country that is supposed to be ‘yours’ but actually feels foreign to you. You’ll also have absorbed a different culture/way of approaching things etc… and some of the British ways might be hard to swallow again. The NHS might come as a shock to you. So the level of provision for education and nursery etc…. I think many expats have experienced that tbh.

I think they'd only be fluent if I put them through Chinese school which I'm not going to do as it is very harsh and I don't read or speak Chinese so wouldn't be able to help with homework or be involved in school life at all. My in laws speak hokkien amongst themselves sometimes but generally everyone we know speaks English - family, friends, our helper, even baby/toddler groups are in English. My DH and SILs grew up here with Malaysian parents and they don't speak the language (DH does the best as his job he kind of has no choice and has had to dredge it up from his memory..before we moved though he would definitely have said he didn't speak the language). I have considered it and it would be amazing but it's not really enough of a plus point to stay, especially as they'd have to sacrifice their education in other areas in order to get to fluency.

The other thing I’d add is how close minded people can be.

If you decide to move back to London and any other really diverse area, it might feel ok. But a small town? You might be in for a shock. From the ability (or not) to make new friends, to being able to understand the mentality of the place.

I think they'd only be fluent if I put them through Chinese school which I'm not going to do as it is very harsh and I don't read or speak Chinese so wouldn't be able to help with homework or be involved in school life at all. My in laws speak hokkien amongst themselves sometimes but generally everyone we know speaks English - family, friends, our helper, even baby/toddler groups are in English. My DH and SILs grew up here with Malaysian parents and they don't speak the language (DH does the best as his job he kind of has no choice and has had to dredge it up from his memory..before we moved though he would definitely have said he didn't speak the language). I have considered it and it would be amazing but it's not really enough of a plus point to stay, especially as they'd have to sacrifice their education in other areas in order to get to fluency.

So your DH is from Malaysia right?
How does he feel about moving to the U.K., away from his family etc…?

Oh didn't realise your DH is from Malaysia. In that case moving back may be complicated.

Yes, he's Malaysian. Also quite keen to move back to the UK though.

I'm afraid you may find it quite racist. Do your children look half Asian?

Do my children look half Asian? Wtf kind of question is that? I dont even know how to respond to that.

Anyway this is getting overly personal which was not the point of the thread.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend. My friend has three beautiful half Asian children and they suffer from a great deal of bullying.

Then your friend needs to deal with that and protect/support her children, as I will mine.

She tries very hard to do so, r she can't be there 24 hours of the day.

My kids are half Asian, no problems at all in London.

@SausageAndCash that’s London though.
Quite different than a lot of the country - multinational and open to différence un a way ‘small towns’ are not.

@Kinsters I’ll be honest, this is something I would think about. Not the racism side, even though you might find it’s stronger than you remember. But the openness or lack of to people with ‘a difference’.
Obviously, it will depend if where you want to go back in the U.K. but coming back after being an expat for several years is always hard, much harder than settling in a new country for the first time. It will also feel very different because you will be back with two dcs rather than a single woman/married.

From my own experience about moving to the U.K. as a foreigner and having j’y two dcs here, seeing their own experience as dual citizen, I would say avoid small towns. If you come back, chose London, central Manchester, any place with lots of movement if people, ‘foreigners’ and people who haven’t lived there all their life. It will make things much easier.

Hi @Kinsters - Just wondering, how did the move go in the end? Did everything turn out all right?

I am a Lancastrian and live in NZ. It is a beautiful country but we do have problems here - just the same as in any other country. I love it here, but I still miss the UK with its history and its closeness to Europe, cheap food and travel. I regularly travel to the UK and NZ is just such a very long way away from anywhere.

I do not miss Lancashire winters.

You've hit the nail on the head @mbosnz