Living abroad sucks aka now I'm not satisfied anywhere

[Kinsters]

We've lived in Malaysia for almost 7 years and now we've got two small children we're thinking about when we might move back to the UK. I've realised that I won't be totally happy in either place and wish I could mash the two together. Which would you pick to live in? Or what do you love about somewhere else in the world that you wish you could bring to the UK?

UK pros = family and friends, the weather (yes it is often rainy and a bit cold but it's so mild I feel like you can dress for it. There's no dressing for 30° heat and 90% humidity), the provisions for children are so much better - parks, museums, softplay, farms also everyone speaks English so it's easier to connect with people.

Malaysia pros = it's so cheap we can afford a nice house and a live in nanny/cleaner to help out, eating out is cheap, petrol is cheap, basically everything that's not imported is cheap, we live in a lovely neighbourhood with really nice neighbours, DH has a very secure job that pays fine, weirdly I like that there's no seasons as I can wear the same clothes all year plus when I wake up I know whether it's time to get up or not by whether it's light.

We came back primarily because work wise still involved a lot of face time in London for my H and the conditions to stay in Denmark were changing all the time for non EU- especially as we didn't work for a Danish company. The toing and froing was costing us a lot more than we had envisaged and at the same time by brother in law announced they were doing 2,years overseas which meant my 82 year old FIL would be totally on his own if a problem happened and his health is not the best at the moment.

But realistically we will probably move home in 4-5~ years when DS1 finishes school.

Oh that's very good, you've nailed it exactly! The more I type the more clear I am that I desperately want to return to the UK but I am scared as the life we have here feels very safe. DH probably couldn't earn as much as he does in Malaysia (he doesn't think so anyway), I could definitely earn more. There's also family issues that I haven't mentioned so FIL helps out with our expenses while we're living out here as DH is working for him (though we don't live anywhere near him and see him rarely). That would stop if/when we leave so it feels a bit like leaving the path and venturing into the wild. Especially for DH I think, it's scary.

I can't help with Malaysia, but this year has been particularly shite weather in the NW. Temperatures barely above 16° so far and the thought of no summer then months of relentless grey dark days in winter makes me want to buy a one way ticket to Malaysia 😄

I never found the heat oppressive, because after 30 years in the eat of Scotland, I loved it. We did only stay for two years though, so the novelty might have worn off. Now in summer in Saudi/Dubai, I long for it to be as cool as Malaysia 😂

I think it's perfectly ok to accept that other places actually have a better overall lifestyle but practical stuff like family responsibilities and jobs have to be in the equation too and we decided in the end the advantages were not outweighing the disadvantages (both cost and other factors) at this point in life- however I would like to be in a position in a few years at retirement point where you can have 8 weeks somewhere else 2 or 3 times a year.

Toss a coin. By the time the coin has landed on your hand your heart will already have decided which side of the coin you want to be up.

I often use this strategy! Your gut already knows what it wants to do!!

Yes, Saudi/Dubai I 100% could not do. I didn't mind the heat too much pre kids and maybe it would be fine again once they were a little more independent. I'll be on here in 5 years moaning about the wind and rain and how the seasons throw my body clock off 🤣

Always!!

It might be worth DH looking at similar/related/alternative fields just to see what options are out there?

I know recently when DH and I were looking at me working he was worrying about not being able to get a promotion, but I pointed out that him getting a promotion might up our budget by a few hundred € (not to be sniffed at obv) whereas me working FT would increase our budget by €1-2k ... OK we'd have to look at childcare costs (although this is laughably not an issue in Germany) - you'd need to weigh against real cost of living in UK - I think we can sometimes get into patterns of thinking that things are impossible when there is usually some wiggle room somewhere?

Realistically for me I'm not likely to actually get to that level of fluent German because every time there is an option to speak German vs English I choose English like a shot, and I've been here for 9 years and not got around to doing any language classes. But I could if I really pushed and prioritised it, and if I knew I wasn't likely to move back then maybe I would do that.

OP, I would see a good financial advisor who can help you put down all your expenses. Money isn't everything but if you can sort that out, other things become clearer.

I think we both need to find a good career advisor or recruitment specialist in our fields and get an idea of what we could earn.

My coin would definitely flip for the UK. I'll have to ask DH later. He's definitely more conflicted than I am, understandably.

I’m a TCK and so is DH. I think I married a fellow TCK because we both have the same weird relationship with ‘home’. Now we live abroad—i.e. not in any of our passport countries—and are raising our kids here, so there are functionally four cultures at play in our household (his passport country, mine, the country we live in, and the expat community culture). We both feel at home here as much as anywhere else, but I do miss the UK and wonder if we should go back. Life seems so much easier. Then again, I have chronically itchy feet and know I would get being there for too long, so it’s a catch 22.

Having spent a fair amount of time in Malaysia myself, I think that would be a hard choice! Are you based in KL?

For us it came down to lifestyle. We could never have the quality of life in the UK that we have where we currently live, so we will stay put for now. The impetus for a move back will come from either education needs for our kids or aging parents, whichever comes first.

Kiwi here purpleleotard. Nz is not devoid of history or culture and that is pretty offensive, actually.

We're not in KL. Maybe KL would be better than where we are but it's all driven by DH's work. In another strike against malaysia there is a mosquito in the bedroom and I can't turn on the lights or even try and smack it in the dark as the jet lagged baby is finally sleeping. I can feel where it's bitten me 😒 hopefully it's ignored DS.

Kiwi here purpleleotard. Nz is not devoid of history or culture and that is pretty offensive, actually.

I always assume when people say this, they're meaning white history or culture.

I’ve been to Nz a few times and it’s a beautiful country. The downside for me was it always felt a bit behind the times and dull. Fantastic scenery but so has the Scottish highlands and the Lake District.

Depends what you’re looking for phyllidakettle. Behind the times - NZ women got the vote in 1893. Dull - skiing, hiking, beach swimming in one country.

Have you not learnt the language after living there 7 years?! Why can't you work?

So they got the vote in 1893? Skiing, hiking, beach swimming in one country?
That can be done almost anywhere! There’s just an air of dullness in general.

Yeah, nothing can beat walking down the increasingly walled up high street, dodging polio, covid, monkey pox, and tory politicians and met cops with sexual assault or worse, on their minds, when it comes to excitement. . .

Was just considering this thought - earlier today I was pushing about moving 'home', but we are heading out tonight into the city (London) and going out more and more again and now I wonder if we are being too hasty. Neither of us is a UK national, and moving to husband's EU country isn't really an option at this point, not to mention my parents are getting older. We've given ourselves a year to figure it out because a decision about housing and healthcare needs to be made. It's been fun but as someone said, no place is perfect and life sometimes throws up things you never would have ever expected to happen. You can only go with the knowledge and needs you have at any given moment.

Ive never heard of the term Third Culture Kid! Something to look up later. And Malaysia is wonderful - we had such a fantastic time there a few years ago and we want to go back next year for a holiday.

So never had covid in Nz? No murders? Sexual assaults or other aggressive behaviour? As for the high streets closing down , that’s a sign of the times. However there are lots of new retail parks opening up.