I've lied about something really silly

[FlamingoYellow]

I don't drive. I've had many, many hours of lessons over the years and never quite been able to get it. I have ASD and it's been suggested several times (by various hcps and even by a driving instructor) that I show strong signs of dyspraxia, so I don't think that has helped. I feel a really deep sense of shame that I have reached my mid 30s without passing my test, I feel like a child having to be driven around by others all the time.

4.5 years ago I started a new job and during an office chat about driving someone said "you can drive, can't you?" to me and I said "yes" without thinking. Rather than doing what any normal person would do and correct myself, I decided that no one I worked with would likely ever find out anyway so I kept up the lie. However, because I'd lied to a few people about it whenever anyone else at work asked me whether I drove I had to lie and say I did because otherwise the first people I lied to might find out I'd fibbed. As time went on I got increasingly stressed about this lie, but I was far too embarrassed about lying to everyone to own up.

I then ended up dating someone from work and I couldn't admit to him that I'd been lying to everyone about being able to drive, so whenever it came up in conversation I would just quickly change the subject 😳.
We've now got to the point where we're moving in together soon and I STILL haven't plucked up the courage to tell him. My boyfriend keeps saying how he'll have to add me to his insurance so I can use his car whenever I need to go anywhere, because it will be so much easier than relying on public transport. I know I need to tell him the truth but I'm cringing at the thought. Any normal person would have said something years ago, not kept up a lie for 4.5 years just to save face! I'm going to come across as a total weirdo/compulsive liar aren't I? How do I start this conversation?

I would probably just style it out and maybe invent a phobia or fear of driving due to a near miss (so as not to have to then invent a faux accident which will then cause even more problems).

Having said that, that could then induce a whole host of attempts to cure you in which case it's even more awkward!

So let's scratch that idea

I think I'd just say matter of factly one day 'you know what... I can't drive!' And if challenged say 'oh everyone just assumed' or 'I think I said yes as a joke' and leave it there. It's hardly a big deal.

Well maybe you could get around it by saying "I mean, yea I CAN drive but I've never got round to taking my test. I don't actually want to drive tbh! Do you want a cup of tea?" Or some other subject changer.

It's not the worst lie in the world Op don't worry too much about it

Agree with @HairyMcLarie
style it out, say something like “yes I can technically drive, as in I know what to do. But I’ve never passed my test and I hate driving so never will take my test”

no big deal. You can drive, you chose not to and you like it that way.

Just come clean. It's not a lie that was intended badly, or has hurt anyone.
But if you're in a relationship serious enough to be moving in together then it is hurtful to not be truthful to your partner. It's stringing them along to not come clean when they're talking about insurance etc.

You'll have to come clean, you said you can drive, you have learned, but havent passed the test due to the issues you mentioned.
You cant lie about this forever.
Maybe he can help you to get your license

Just be honest! You said yes because you were embarrassed.

If you're going to be with this guy long term, you need to be able to be honest with him.

It's nothing to be embarrassed about anyway!

Have you tried learning in an automatic? I had similar issues to you, and taking the gears away helped tremendously.

People said I'd have problems only being able to drive auto, but it's 7 years since I passed my test and I haven't had a single issue yet - only 7 years of freedom thanks to having my license!

You can drive, just provisional license though

I don’t think it’s a big deal. Just come clean and say you panicked. That you never found the right moment to correct it and it ran away from you.

There’s no point in spinning another story, as you’ll just feel guilt about that too and then feel the need to come clean X years down the line.

You can drive, you just haven't passed your test! Agree with other posters, do it in an automatic, I passed in a manual but I'd never go back to driving one.

It's not a big deal - just say "I gave up driving because I didn't pass my test. I realised I just find it stressful and I'm happier not driving tbh." Which is more or less the situation.

I don't see the point in styling it out. Just be honest. You've tried many times, you found it difficult. You were put on the spot and lied. You have no idea why! Ever since then you've felt so foolish about the lie that you couldn't face telling the truth. It's OK to admit all this!

However, because I'd lied to a few people about it whenever anyone else at work asked me whether I drove I had to lie and say I did because otherwise the first people I lied to might find out I'd fibbed

I think you've blown this up in your head to be far bigger than it is. How many people are we talking about you've had conversations about driving with at work? I couldn't tell you who can drive, of those I work with. Unless there's a massive dripfeed that you actually work for a taxi firm, I doubt anyone remembers or cares.

You need to tell your boyfriend but I suggest you really work on thinking of it as not that big a deal before you do - then style it out as PP suggested. If in your head this is some enormous lie when you tell him, he will be also more likely to think of it as an enormous lie (it is NOT).

Partly I think you need to get over your sense of shame around not having passed, you care about this a lot more than anyone else will.

What @Pippinbird said.

I might start with "I've got a confession to make. This is going to sound daft, please don't judge but..."

Agree with those saying switch to auto. I passed in a manual and have only ever had manual cars until I had to swap cars with DH (due to fitting kids in) and his is auto, and I don't think I could go back to manual now. So much easier.

I'd just style it out by saying you technically can drive, you said yes without thinking. Its a harmless white lie, not a big deal at all. I'm sure he will find it funny.

Out of curiosity though, have you had to tell further lies to explain why you don't have a car? What did you say when your boyfriend mentioned putting you on his insurance?

As pp have said, you can drive just never took your test or failed test, never retook it. I know a few people who did pass a test but hated driving so never did, it’s no big deal.

Definitely switch to an automatic to learn in. This would also be an excuse as to why you can't drive your boyfriend's car (unless it's an automatic!)

Yup
”I didn’t technically lie because I can drive, but I have been too embarrassed to admit I’ve never passed my test. Obviously I need to be completely honest with you now though. I realise I should have said earlier, but for some reason I’m really embarrassed about the whole thing because everybody else finds it so easy to pass and I’ve had such a struggle. People have suggested dyspraxia….” And continue conversation.

I understand OP. I passed my test when I was 35, after months and months trying to overcome my terrible anxiety behind the wheel. Everyone pushed and pushed for me to learn, saying how much freedom it would give me. In the end I agreed to try, actually passed my test and drove short distances (ie 5/10 minute journeys on roads I knew well). Then all the stress and nerves caused a mental health breakdown and I lost 3 years of my life to psychosis. Following that family kept asking why I don’t start driving again and the truth is I am so utterly terrified I shouldn’t be on the road. I shake like a leaf, can barely control the pedals. There are genuinely people who do not belong on the road and people should respect them for saying so, not try to force them into something they can’t or won’t do.

In your case it sounds like you are happier not driving, so am I. And that’s fine. I would be honest with your partner and say you did learn how to drive but realised it truly wasn’t for you and when people in work just assumed you drove you became embarrassed and changed the subject. I’m sure he will be fine about it, given how he’s been fine about you not driving up until this point.
I think it will be a relief for you to say the words out loud and get it off your chest. I wish you well. ♥️

I don't think you really lied, like everyone said you can drive you just haven't passed your test. You were simply going along with a conversation to avoid making it into a big deal at work where it wasn't relevant and you weren't comfortable discussing it. Just explain it in a no big deal way to your boyfriend that you don't want to drive so you won't need to go on the insurance. No problem. I'm in my 40's and can't drive. I've had lessons years ago and still have nightmares about them. I don't even like being in a car and I enjoy travelling by public transport. It's not a big thing, there are lots of other people in the same situation. Just explain it to him in a calm, so what kind of way.

Definitely automatic. And I can drive a manual but automatics are brilliant these days.

Definitely switch to automatic- I know someone who failed about eight times in a manual and passed first time in an automatic. With hybrid and electric cars being automatic manuals are on their way out anyway!

You could just say you were due to take your test when they asked if you could drive, so obviously you said yes…….but then you failed and didn’t really want to tell everyone!
Totally understandable and acceptable!

I had some lessons in an automatic a couple of months ago. It was much easier but still challenging. After a few lessons the instructor told me to consider whether driving was really for me, which was a bit gutting to hear because I thought I'd been making really good progress! After a few more lessons she said I was improving and would definitely be able to take my test if I carried on like that. I've contacted her multiple times to arrange more lessons but she's stopped replying to me, despite still being active on her fb page. I've gone through the first 2 pages of a Google search for automatic driving instructors in my area and no one will even put me on their waiting list because they're so busy at the moment. I did try practising on a relatives manual car recently but it was an absolute disaster.

I would love to be able to drive and it would make my life so much easier if I could but I think I need proper lessons in an automatic with someone who's experienced with neurodiversity.

I'm either going to try to style it out as 'I've driven lots for almost 20 years but never passed my test' or just be completely honest and say I've lied. I know exactly why I lied - it's because I'm so ashamed that I can't seem to do something everyone else can do without any problem. It makes me feel stupid and a failure. It's so silly but I suppose everyone has their insecurities.

Agree with everyone else, technically you can drive, just not without an instructor! Also agree that automatics are a game changer.

It’s a bit of a concern that you fee the relationship is strong enough for you to move in together, yet you’re afraid of being honest with him about this. Shouldn’t your partner be there to support you through feelings of anxiety, have your back when you worry about what other people will think of you etc?

Just tell him the truth- every bit, about why you have never passed, how it makes you feel, how you ended up lying at work- exactly what you have written here. If he reacts badly then he’s not the man for you OP.