I've lied about something really silly

[FlamingoYellow]

I don't drive. I've had many, many hours of lessons over the years and never quite been able to get it. I have ASD and it's been suggested several times (by various hcps and even by a driving instructor) that I show strong signs of dyspraxia, so I don't think that has helped. I feel a really deep sense of shame that I have reached my mid 30s without passing my test, I feel like a child having to be driven around by others all the time.

4.5 years ago I started a new job and during an office chat about driving someone said "you can drive, can't you?" to me and I said "yes" without thinking. Rather than doing what any normal person would do and correct myself, I decided that no one I worked with would likely ever find out anyway so I kept up the lie. However, because I'd lied to a few people about it whenever anyone else at work asked me whether I drove I had to lie and say I did because otherwise the first people I lied to might find out I'd fibbed. As time went on I got increasingly stressed about this lie, but I was far too embarrassed about lying to everyone to own up.

I then ended up dating someone from work and I couldn't admit to him that I'd been lying to everyone about being able to drive, so whenever it came up in conversation I would just quickly change the subject 😳.
We've now got to the point where we're moving in together soon and I STILL haven't plucked up the courage to tell him. My boyfriend keeps saying how he'll have to add me to his insurance so I can use his car whenever I need to go anywhere, because it will be so much easier than relying on public transport. I know I need to tell him the truth but I'm cringing at the thought. Any normal person would have said something years ago, not kept up a lie for 4.5 years just to save face! I'm going to come across as a total weirdo/compulsive liar aren't I? How do I start this conversation?

It's not a big deal. Tell your partner so you can stop stressing about it.

Not to get too deep into it all but I was diagnosed with aspergers as an adult and, up until that point, I'd lived my whole life desperately trying to keep up with my peers and failing. If there's nothing obviously physically wrong with you that makes it harder for you to do something, and you grow up with the message you just need to do better and try harder, then you end up as an adult with zero self esteem and a load of labels attached to you - lazy, stupid, ditzy, dumb, etc. So all the stuff I really struggled with - and driving is one of those things - I tried to pretend I wasn't really struggling with because otherwise everyone I met in life would find out how rubbish I am! So I guess that's where all the shame and embarrassment has come from. I do know it's silly to feel like that, but it's hard to get out of that mindset.

I would possibly choose this one.

But then I would tackle your fear. Break it down into steps. Get your provisional license, do your theory test and then take lessons. You never know when you might need it. You could always say you doing self help CBT to tackle your phobia.

Op I’m in the midst of the exact same lie and also lamenting it and it’s also snowballed!
I got asked on a first date and just said I could when asked as thought it probably wouldn’t go anywhere. We got married and he told everyone I could drive at the start of our relationship. Where he lives, everyone drives as awful public transport.
i feel like he’ll never trust me again as I’ve had to keep saying I can drive so the lie is repeated again and again when his friends ask
I was actually an ok driver and was entered 3x for my test (Passed my theory twice too) but just had life stuff going on each time and postponed what I saw was a big stress.
ive contemplated doing a week intensive course, passing and then admitting it to Dh
i feel your pain! We should pm and encourage each other to pass once and for all

alternatively, you could say you are having passplus lessons to boost your confidence...but then people will see you in a car being picked up with L plates?

You would probably need more than a weeks intensive course. Passmefast with three weeks of lessons and three goes at test is 2000 odd. And there is a waiting list for lessons.

Fess up and move on with being happy. Definitely go for an automatic but there’s no hurry really.

@stayingpositiveifpossible I've had a provisional licence for almost 20 years and have passed my theory test multiple times! My most recent theory test pass is still valid, so if I could find an instructor then I could technically taking my practical whenever I like, it's just finding an instructor that's proving difficult!

Please don't feel ashamed OP. Not everyone can drive. You only have to watch some old episodes of Driving School to realise that. Your ASD and possible dyspraxia are reasons why you're finding it a bit more difficult, and there is really no shame about that.

Come clean to your partner and say you did learn to drive, you just haven't passed a test. If I was you I'd definitely explore learning in an automatic. If you can find an instructor who is experienced with ND then even better. Maybe leave it a little while though (unless there's an urgency to drive) as there are still big backlogs caused by Covid.

For the record, I can't read music. Millions of people can, but I just can't get it, and I'm NT. There are always things some people are better at than others.

@Sunburnqueen how long have you been with your husband? How have you managed to get away without driving for this long? It is surprising how a little lie snowballs! Have you got any driving experience at all? I think you should come clean with your husband too. Be brave 😉

@FlamingoYellow i do get it. I think I would just say what you’ve said here op, you’re going to be living together and I know people are making it out to be trivial but I think it will be stressful to do anything more than just say what you’ve said on here.

Obviously it’s your life and you know him better than us but I’ve been there in a similar theme actually due to a health issue and it’ll be the lies on lies that eat you up a bit.

I think he might have an inkling anyway with the car sickness comment, he might be trying to help you out saying that?

Just come clean. I've admitted madder stuff than this to my dp. It will probably make a funny story in the future.

@WhenDovesFly 😳I'm Maureen from Driving School aren't I??? Although I think even Maureen passed in the end so there's hope for me yet! Thank you for the encouragement.

I don't understand why people are advocating keeping the lie going by saying "technically I can drive..." She's moving in with this guy so if she can't tell him honestly that she lied and why she lied, I don't see much of a future for them.

Op, there's nothing clever about driving (just think of all the idiots you know that gave a licence!), it's a simple matter of building confidence. If you know the basics, take advantage of your boyfriend and start doing all the day to day driving for practice. Also driving an automatic is so much easier, so look at doing your test in one of those. Once you build up road confidence, you can do the test again in a manual. Good luck.

This is exactly the type of thing my partner would do. (Currently undergoing ASD assessment). He builds it up to a massive thing in his head and when I finally ask him what’s going on and he breaks down and confesses everything that was happening in his paranoid brain. . .It’s usually such a non-thing that could have all been solved and if he had just told me earlier he wouldn’t have had to worry so much!

My advice, just come clean and explain that you were embarrassed and that’s why you lied. If he’s a decent sort he will get it and won’t care. If you try and style it out it just seems much more deceitful.

Thanks Parsleys.

I have wondered whether he might have guessed already as I'm the world's worse liar! I have my provisional in my purse and I'm forever opening it in front of him to get my debit card out and then remembering a bit too late that I'm supposed to be keeping my licence hidden from him 🤦‍♀️.

I'm doing an intensive course in September. Three weeks.

It was literally the only way I could get an instructor - through passmefast as directly approaching driving instructors locally as you say - didn't work as huge waiitng lists. Why not have a chat to them and see what they say. I'm sure there are similar companies but they were very efficient and I've got three goes at my test and insurance for that in case i don't make it the first time.

Honestly he won't care. But tell him now. You have nothing to be ashamed of and I can completely see how it happened. If you'd met him somewhere else, you wouldn't be in this position.

I have an autistic dyspraxic child and we're looking forward to driverless cars because I think that will be a game changer!

My husband told me he could drive!! He used to bring car keys to my flat pretending he had his van outside 🤣🤣🤣 I got pregnant and he had to tell me when I was 6 months pregnant! Ohhh the arguements we had cause he wouldn't drive me to appointments! (When he couldn't) Lol he was sooo embarrassed.. he told me by text after failing his 4th test and I couldn't stop laughing! Lol he passed not long after that.. but he's never lived it down lol x

Just say you can drive but can't pass the test. Happens to loads of people.

You just have to be mature, face up to your problem like an adult and quickly pass your test. No one will ever know

How have you managed to avoid actually being asked to drive all this time though? You say “where HE lives” but you’re married?

Her partner will when he comes to add her to the car insurance and the form requires her to state how many years she has been driving.

My friend can drive but hates it so is taking more lessons to boost her confidence so cos you say that's what you're doing?

@HaveringWavering we live together now but from different parts of the U.K. where I was from has great public transport so no need to drive.
i’ve kept it up because I just say I don’t like driving, which is true !
@stayingpositiveifpossible is the three week course an hour a day ? How does it work ? Thanks