I've lied about something really silly

[FlamingoYellow]

I don't drive. I've had many, many hours of lessons over the years and never quite been able to get it. I have ASD and it's been suggested several times (by various hcps and even by a driving instructor) that I show strong signs of dyspraxia, so I don't think that has helped. I feel a really deep sense of shame that I have reached my mid 30s without passing my test, I feel like a child having to be driven around by others all the time.

4.5 years ago I started a new job and during an office chat about driving someone said "you can drive, can't you?" to me and I said "yes" without thinking. Rather than doing what any normal person would do and correct myself, I decided that no one I worked with would likely ever find out anyway so I kept up the lie. However, because I'd lied to a few people about it whenever anyone else at work asked me whether I drove I had to lie and say I did because otherwise the first people I lied to might find out I'd fibbed. As time went on I got increasingly stressed about this lie, but I was far too embarrassed about lying to everyone to own up.

I then ended up dating someone from work and I couldn't admit to him that I'd been lying to everyone about being able to drive, so whenever it came up in conversation I would just quickly change the subject 😳.
We've now got to the point where we're moving in together soon and I STILL haven't plucked up the courage to tell him. My boyfriend keeps saying how he'll have to add me to his insurance so I can use his car whenever I need to go anywhere, because it will be so much easier than relying on public transport. I know I need to tell him the truth but I'm cringing at the thought. Any normal person would have said something years ago, not kept up a lie for 4.5 years just to save face! I'm going to come across as a total weirdo/compulsive liar aren't I? How do I start this conversation?

I know exactly why I lied - it's because I'm so ashamed that I can't seem to do something everyone else can do without any problem. It makes me feel stupid and a failure. It's so silly but I suppose everyone has their insecurities.

Tell him this. He’s your partner.

We had an apprentice in the office at the time who was learning to drive, so it came up in conversation a lot with everyone telling him about when they took their test etc.

Be 100% honest with him. You were embarrassed you couldn’t drive so said yes and it’s snowballed. Honestly ang other excuse is going to seem like just that - an excuse. It’s really not a big deal though OP, you haven’t hurt anyone and I would just sympathise with you if it was me.

I was with my ex for over a decade so I said I drove his car (this is true) then when we split up I moved to somewhere right by the city centre so I didn't need a car to get around day to day and furnishing my new home wiped out my savings, so even if I could drive, getting a car would not have been a priority.

When he has mentioned going on his insurance before I usually say something about how I don't feel confident driving his car (which is also true).

Just say what you've said here. If you lie again to cover the original lie and it comes out you'll never regain the trust.
It's understandable as it is.
Also you should be able to be 100% honest with your partner. Don't mask your difficulties with driving for your partner.
I am also ND and struggle with driving (I just about manage familiar short journeys and avoid anything that looks like motorways but find it very stressful). I occasionally feel like a burden as can't share driving on long journeys but my partner is completely supportive and understands I am doing my best!

Just tell him that at the time you were learning to drive so you just said yes instinctively and then admit the rest about how you felt silly correcting it and didn't want to be continually asked if you'd passed yet due to reasons above.

Tell him today. You don't want this spoiling what should be an exciting time for you or to end up souring a relationship over something so silly.

I would say to your dp "I have a confession to make and I feel like a right idiot. When I got this job everyone assumed I could drive, so I said I could cos I was embarrassed, but the truth is I took lessons and struggled, so I can't actually drive. It's been eating me up that that first lie snowballed so I wanted to be honest with you. I'm really sorry, I just felt like I wasn't a proper adult and ashamed of it."

When I was a little kid I told everyone I'd been born in Ireland but moved when I was little. The lie stuck with me to my teens, I eventually said it was bollocks cos I wanted to seem special, and everyone just laughed. Although they still take the piss decades later.
Xx

It's not that I'm afraid - I know he will be absolutely fine about it all. I suppose it's just a combination of the shame I feel and the fact that I've kept a lie going for so long that's putting me off saying anything.

You're right I should just be honest. I'm meeting him for coffee after work so I should get it over and done with today. He knows I possibly have mild dyspraxia. I can't ride a bike, despite growing up riding a bike every day! I don't know my left and right and can't follow a simple map.

Thank you for all the positive stories from other people who have struggled with driving and gone on to learn. I still feel hopeful that I could do it one day.

I'd be honest.

If this relationship might last, then when you go away together and there are long journeys involved it would be natural for you to share the driving or to occasionally be nominated driver back from the pub.

Drivers do start to resent being taxi drivers for others who can drive but choose not to. Much better to confess at this stage and mention the Dyspraxia thing.

I'd be more tolerant of you confessing a small lie that got out of hand than I'd be tolerant of you not ever offering to drive us places.

Tbf he will always want to do the driving anyway because he gets travel sick unless he's driving, so when we are together it's not an issue, it's only when I want to go somewhere on my own. He doesn't drink either so he's always been the designated driver on nights out.

I will be honest with him though.

This. This is enough.

I know exactly why I lied - it's because I'm so ashamed that I can't seem to do something everyone else can do without any problem. It makes me feel stupid and a failure.

Oh please stop feeling ashamed! I didn’t drive until much later in life than average and I did feel embarrassed and defensive about it sometimes but I knew it was silly. And I didn’t have dyspraxia, I just bloody hated learning to drive and was a bit scared of it.

I admire you greatly for keeping going, I think you sound the opposite of shameful. You sound determined to overcome a difficulty. I think it would help to fully embrace the idea of dyspraxia, accept it and talk about it.

Good luck! Circumstances have been against you finding the right instructor at the right time in the right car. That’s all.

This is going to be one of those things that you build up in your head to be embarrassing and shameful and an awkward conversation, but when you are met with understanding and kindness and support it will only strengthen your relationship. These are the moments that make us feel even more connected to one another. I've had them with DP and the relief at sharing it is immense.

You'll feel so much better afterwards.

Bless you, this sounds like exactly the kind of situation I might get myself in, then agonise over it! Don’t worry I think your dp will be sympathetic or see it as a little bit humorous even. You sound really nice.

And you CAN drive, you just need a really competent driver sitting in the passenger seat and a couple of L plates on!

I think it is fine to say, you were learning when you were originally asked and said yes I can drive without really thinking, then later seemed silly to correct it but you’ve taken longer than expected and now it’s hard to find an instructor due to Covid.

maybe your boyfriend will take you out and you can practice on a quiet business park on a Sunday with him. Lots of practice will make a difference and cut down the spiralling cost of lessons!

Good idea to say that you were learning and hoped to pass your test so being a new person didn’t want to attract any attention, then failed a few time and started getting nervous about it and gave up but again didn’t want people to advice you/ to focus on this.
Keep it simple and factual: it’s true that you were learning and failed to pass and that felt upset as everyone managed this.

I completely understand this as I in the same position , and by the way I can’t ride a bike either. I also have other personal issues which have made learning to drive very difficult. Most of my friends learnt when they were 18-25 and of course it felt very different for them. I know this feeling of humiliation when it comes up in conversation, I’m always dreading it.

Tbh I would probably end up doing sneaky lessons 😂

When I read the thread title I thought it might be something much worse. As lots of posters have said, this is easily redeemable with a few words about being embarrassed that you haven't passed your test yet. But do try to get on a driving school's waiting list at least. Lots of instructors are not sympathetic to 'slow learners' so I hope you find someone who will encourage you and be patient.

@whatwasIgoingtosay I can't find any local instructors who will even put me on their waiting list 🤦‍♀️. I've been searching since December. I managed to get 8 or 9 hours of lessons with an instructor who had just moved to the area back in the spring but she's now ghosted me!

I’d be tempted to big it up - say you’ve got something important you want to confess, that you know you should have told him a long time ago, and that you don’t want to live together without telling him first.

Hopefully he’ll be so relieved it’s just about driving that he won’t care 😂

Op I think you just need to be honest, you’re in a relationship with him, just say I was embarrassed that I’ve never learnt, just say what you’ve said here. Lies upon lies is not a good idea and very stressful. I don’t drive due to a medical reason and I don’t care if people think anything of it, it’s my business.

Oh ok so I’ve just read the posts about driving your boyfriends car years ago, this is all a bit elaborate. Can I ask why you are so ashamed of this?

Tell your boyfriend the truth. You don't owe anything to your work colleagues. You are right though, technically you can drive you just don't have a licence!

I would just be honest.

Just explain you felt really embarrassed telling people that you couldn't drive at the time so you pretended you could and then it spiralled and you felt you had to keep up the lie.

I would laugh it off. It's not the worlds worst lie and it also is sort of funny how it has spiralled so much.

Just tell him and add a bit of humour to it and you'll be fine!

This really made me laugh! I'm not mean enough to do that 😂

This it is not exactly a lie because you can drive.