Overweight teen

[ColoursAndRainbows]

My 14 year old is putting on more and more weight. Her independence gives her access to shopping as she gets the bus to and from school and walks past the shops to get the bus. She has an allowance each month but instead of buying the odd new top or music downloads or books etc, the vast majority of it is spent on cakes and sweets.

Very conscious not to want to shame her or make her feel bad but she IS overweight. On the NHS BMI she’s in the “very overweight” category. She is not particular sporty but does some however an average level of activity won’t outweigh the amount she is eating. She says she is fine and she says she not unhealthy. I have tried to approach it and it just caused arguments so it’s now avoided but I am worried we are responsible for her and are letting this happen. Her weight will continue to go up and up unless something changes.

That’s really hard. What’s the family food like? Realistically that’s the only place you can make proper changes.

The family food is fine. We can’t trust her not to scoff biscuits etc so we don’t have them or if we do they’re away so she needs to ask or be offered them. We have treats like any family but it’s the “extras” that she gets daily that are causing it. Without consuming all those I don’t think it would be an issue. She eats huge amounts of junk most days in addition to meals.

Cut the allowance as regardless of whether she is fat or not she doesn't need as much as she's just frittering it's away on junk fiord.

Approach it from the angle that she is wasting the money and you are putting it in savings for her instead to go towards driving lessons or similar when she's older etc

Honestly this is either already an eating disorder or about to become one. I think you need to look at therapy to tackle this. It sounds like she is binge eating/eating sweet things to get a seratonin hit that will boost her mood.

Do you eat family meals? Do you do active things together? Does she go out with friends?

Does she take a packed lunch to school OP?

What I mean is, she’s eating extra junk so all you can control is the family food. So make that aggressively healthier, smaller portions etc.

You cannot control the other stuff.

I think you need to cut her allowance.

Can you buy her gift cards for a clothes shop instead of allowance and u buy her toiletries with the supermarket shopping

Can you up the whole family's exercise so doesn't seem targeted to her - sunny afternoon walk, swimming to cool down?

I agree it's very hard to control things outside the house as they get older.
As they socialise more and get more independent, its very hard to monitor and control what they eat without it leading to a battle of wills.

The best we can do is keep limited junk at home and make family meals as healthy as possible.
School lunches and the food consumed during social outings are sadly the main culprits.
Unless they realise themselves, it is very hard to change things

I empathise OP as I am in a similar situation with DD.
I have cut Allowance as it was linked to chores and helping out and she does bugger all at home.
She was getting 50 pounds a month for the fancy top, coffee with friends and presents for friends.
She was spending it all on cake and chocolate and doing nothing at home
So no Allowance now and I buy everything which I don't mind.
We have rampant treat buying during school lunches which I am struggling to control...last week she spent 8 pounds one day and 6 pounds out of it was for treats.
I have given her a budget for school lunches of 20 pounds per week and said if she goes over she has to make her own packed lunch.
I hate to police her lunch account every week. I am trying to make it about money so I don't bring the weight or the junk into the discussion.

Stop the allowance.

Thanks so much for the replies. Maybe the idea of cutting out the allowance is all I have left. We Pre-pay her school lunches and so there is no issue with that. She gets a good lunch and decent meals at home. I’ve got to the point where I feel we can’t have an ice cream when out at the weekend without me feeling like I’m adding to the problem. She does average activity for a teen and her meals are generally good ones. But if you eat a whole box of fondant fancies on the way home from school each day there is no way you won’t gain weight. She would probably be maintaining a current weight if she had nothing other than what school lunch and we provide.

What do you think about involving someone else? Eg Nurse at GP surgery (or perhaps school nurse?). Someone who can independently explain to her it’s not ok and hopefully help her see it for herself. I agree that she will almost always be able to find a way round it if try and enforce the change on her. Honestly, no amount of family exercise would compensate. It is just too many calories to out exercise..

I am not sure if the school nurse or the GP will oblige though.
Everyone seems too worried this is too sensitive a topic and if you give the girls a negative self image about their bodies they go the other extreme.
I had a NHS check up this week with the nurse who found it very awkward to explain to me my BMI though not overweight could be improved!

Could you watch some documentaries about the dangers of bad diet as a family?
Someone recommended The sugar Film on Netflix.

If you were a teen who didn’t want to hear it wouldn’t you just feel that being made to watch a documentary like that by your parents was another reason for going up to your room in a strop (or even not in a strop for that matter!).
I will try it though. I’m up for trying anything.

I'd approach it from a health point of view not a weight point of view. Effect of sugar on teeth, saturated fat on arteries, risks of type 2 diabetes and also from a 'cost of living increases meaning everyone needs to be more mindful of how they spend their money' angle.

I think you need to try to have a proper talk with her and be a bit more direct. If she says she’s healthy and it’s fine etc, say No, it’s not fine, it’s really not good to eat too much junk. I’m concerned about you. Ask her if everything is ok with her generally. Tell her you think she would feel a lot better if she cut right back on the junk food and that you can try to help her with it if she wants. See how she responds and go from there.
Even aside from weight, it really makes you feel crap to binge eat. Nobody actually likes doing it. Having an entire box of fondant fancies in one go would make your stomach feel awful. Plus it sends your energy levels are all over the place and affects your mood.
There is a reason why she’s doing this. You need to try to find out what is behind it.
I think a lot of girls that age that binge eat are actually crying out for someone to notice their behaviour and ask them if something is wrong.
Saying nothing and worrying about it won’t help. Personally, I wouldn’t do anything indirect because I think that will also make it worse. I definitely wouldn’t show her any videos or anything like that.
There might not be a deep reason why she’s doing it though. It might just be a phase as she gets her first bit of independence and is learning to set her own limits. Either way it’s obviously not a good habit, short or long term and I think you need to ask her why she’s doing it and then press home the point that it’s not good for her and as her mother you want to know what’s going on with her and help her to stay healthy.

Could she be pregnant?

I did initially start with that approach but it didn’t seem to have any impact. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells now and don’t know what to do to help.

I have, this evening, cancelled the standing order which is her allowance. I cannot see how this can fail to force a change but I’m absolutely dreading the strops, door slamming and shouting that will come my way as a result.

Has anyone been in this situation and got through it with a good outcome?

Did you speak to her before doing that? If not then you are definitely going to get a strong upset reaction!

Agree with pp this isn't just about healthy eating, she probably has or is on the verge of an eating disorder. Imagine if that box of fondant fancies was what got you through the day. It calmed you down and made you feel a bit special (due to the indulgence) for a short while. And now it's just been cut off, without discussion. Replace fondant fancies with other forms of self-care/guilty pleasures/relaxation. I think most of us would be pretty pissed off.

I told her I was stopping her allowance and that I would set it aside (in my account) and give her money as and when she wanted to go to the cinema/buy clothes/presents for friends etc. I explained that nothing else had worked and that we can’t afford for her to spend £40 per month on sweets and cakes.

I like your idea of offering to replace the fondant fancies with other treats/self care etc. How/what do you suggest? I agree she (and others) are likely to be pissed off by having their open access to daily cakes & sweets stopped but what do you suggest I do? I don’t want to piss her off, I want to help but I don’t know how. Nothing else I’ve tried has worked.

@ColoursAndRainbows

Face masks
Nice skin routine for a teen (cerave etc)
Bath bombs
Tickets to see a concert.

All self care that's about the whole self not just food

She’s not the slightest bit interested in face masks or skin care. I still have to double check she’s remembered to clean her teeth!

She does get taken to concerts/theatre as a treat already. Or do mean tie it in so no junk for a month = a concert?

I would add - packed lunches and stop
the pre payment system.

ds is going through a phase where he is a sugar junkie . He was fine pre lockdown and then his junk intake went up while his exercise levels went dramatically down over the last lockdown.

So things I have done is limit the junk at home- we still have sweets but it’s limited. I am not buying anywhere near the amount we were buying.
encouraged a healthy breakfast- he likes homemade smoothies and it stops the morning break cake.
over the last 2 weeks I have manoeuvred him into pack lunches and framed it as money saving(which it is!) he still has a biscuit in that, I know for a fact it’s much healthier and filling than what he was eating. I think he feels better on them too.

his bank account is linked to mine so I can monitor what he is spending money on and he doesn’t have an allowance near your dd so it’s a bit easier.

I have had a direct chat with him and (I hope ) been reassuring but stating that this can’t go on. He seems to have listened. He didn’t like his size either. We’re not aiming to lose weight just maintain whilst he grows into it.

@ColoursAndRainbows yes that one. So no junk and we can go and see x?