Overweight teen

[ColoursAndRainbows]

My 14 year old is putting on more and more weight. Her independence gives her access to shopping as she gets the bus to and from school and walks past the shops to get the bus. She has an allowance each month but instead of buying the odd new top or music downloads or books etc, the vast majority of it is spent on cakes and sweets.

Very conscious not to want to shame her or make her feel bad but she IS overweight. On the NHS BMI she’s in the “very overweight” category. She is not particular sporty but does some however an average level of activity won’t outweigh the amount she is eating. She says she is fine and she says she not unhealthy. I have tried to approach it and it just caused arguments so it’s now avoided but I am worried we are responsible for her and are letting this happen. Her weight will continue to go up and up unless something changes.

Because the GP asked me to send in her weight before prescribing her replacement Epi-pens.

I appreciate your reply and sorry to hear about your struggles growing up.

I’m not doing what your Mum did though. Things are not banned at home. We all have plenty of treats (and she also eats lots of “healthy” food). As for “punishing won’t help” - what do you consider punishment? Stopping her allowance? I’m genuinely interested as punishment couldn’t be further from my mind.

You say “don’t comment on her weight and start to address the reason (boredom, emotional eating etc)” but I don’t know what the reason is. She goes to the shops on the way home from school with her friends and buys junk (in quantity) and then proceeds to eat it at the bus stop and on the bus (I assume). Her bag is full of the wrappers. The stuff at home we do ok.

You say to incorporate more “bad foods” into her life. She has these in her life with us already.

We can and do pay for her to do plenty of activities that she enjoys - she’s a busy bee with activities after school 3-4 nights a week. Some at school, some locally once home. Some free and some paid for.

Your final comment “you don't handle this right, it might turn into an eating disorder. Speak to a professional if you can” is exactly why I came on here to ask advice. So that I can handle it right. Which professional should I contact? I’ve already suggested on here I was thinking of trying the nurse at my GP surgery. Someone else wondered whether they would oblige. I plan to phone and ask. I’ll report back but other guidance welcome as to who would be better to ask.

I think breakfast with nut butter or a mixed choc/ nut one might be good, with toast, sometimes I make banana/ egg pancakes, I banana, 2 eggs blended then with kiwi/ red fruits, very filling and tasty. Maybe discuss smoothies?
Aldi/ lidl/ tesco do frozen mixes, pre weigh portion for breakfast/ snack?
i put on a load of weight ,in menopause , very tired, and lost nearly all by 50, I’m 60 now still off.
are their emotional factors here too, food never solves those! Only the fix!

are you feeding her enough. wondering how shes got the appetite for crap if im honest

I've not RTFT so apologies if this is already mentioned somewhere.

But I piled on weight like this as a teen.

It was binge eating that I now realise was undiagnosed ADHD dopamine seeking behaviour.

Basically addiction.

Could be worth considering.

Are you sure meals at home are healthy, Nutella on toast isn't a great breakfast,is it?

I didn't mean to accuse you of anything, was just working off limited info so apologies if it came across this way!

I wouldn't bother with Nurses / GPs, not to take away from the work they do, but I don't think they have a lot of training in disordered eating and nutrition beyond the very basics.

Can you speak to a therapist? There are psychologists that specialize in nutrition. Or a nutritionist who works with people with eating disorders.

If your daughter is binge eating that does fall under disordered eating already. This could be related to emotional eating, stress (at school or other), and lots of other reasons. Or it could be that her friends all do it so it's a habit.

Is she getting enough sleep/rest? If she's got lots of activities on and school maybe reaching for sugar is a quick fix for being tired?

I think stopping allowance now would come across as punishment, unless you're able to really make it seem like it's unrelated.

This is just general thoughts so you might be or not be doing this already, but I think you need to make sure you're not labelling food as good/bad in front of her, commenting on food, on her body etc. Is she confident in herself otherwise?

I would sit down with her and give her a safe space to talk. How is school? Is she struggling with anything? Does she need extra support? Don't judge or comment & just listen so she can properly open up if possible.

For the actual discussion about food, I would tell her that she's beautiful either way and that her weight is the least important thing about her. Ask her if she'd change anything about the meals/food at home and if she's happy with her activities etc.

Building up that trust now will help you progress these conversations to a point where she will see you as someone who doesn't judge & who she can trust and that will make it a lot easier to be more direct over time.

Finally, when she tells you things, please don't be defensive as she will close off again. You might not be but I'd imagine it can be hard sometimes when a teen is criticizing the way you do things, but it will give you a lot of insight on the deeper reasons why, which really is the first step.

I've replied already but I'll add more.

I was also very similar to your DD. I was slightly chubby as a child but it wasn't very noticeable.

As a teenager we moved house and the transition upset me. I have a twin brother (who has a super fast metabolism and a sweet tooth). We were both bullied at our new school and started stopping off at the shop on our way home and I would regularly buy a soft drink , s chocolate bar and a large bag of crisps. My weight spiralled very quickly from "chubby cute" to a size 18 by age 14. My brother ate even more than me and never put on an ounce of course! My self esteem plummeted and it was a vicious cycle.

What worked for me was joining the gym , getting interested in nutrition and eating foods that were healthy but delicious to me.

I definitely think sugar is addictive and I try to limit it as much as possible today.

Sending your DD very best wishes. I will say - she has to want to change and you will need to wait for her to signal to you that shes

Sorry if this has been mentioned already but kids get bombarded at school with info about healthy eating. My guess is that she knows what is and isnt good for her.

My approach would be to get her active. I havent read every post but what is stopping you taking her for walks after or before school? Park runs? Country garden walks? Even walking to town and back for some groceries. There are hundreds of activities a young girl and her mum or dad could be doing to have fun whilst secretly getting fitter.

My daughter can out eat a 20st builder and she is stick thin. She cannot sit still though so burns it off.

I would tell her that she's beautiful either way and that her weight is the least important thing about her

No girl will believe this; it just comes across as deeply inauthentic.

(I'm not saying that's right, but - teenage girls live in society. They're not blank slates.)

My friend had this. She struggles with her weight too and like you op was agonising about what to do. Her Dd year 11 now and has naturally moderated her own eating. My friend did a “let’s do healthy eating together” making salads etc and bring “aware” of healthy eating. They go to a personal trainer together. Her Dd seems much happier and has lost some weight.

Agree with Innocenta about the “you are beautiful” speeches - not helpful they’re not daft!

Times are changing. Younger people generally are exposed to more body positivity and embracing different sizes than we've seen in the toxicity of 2000s.

Why wouldn't she still be beautiful? Why would her weight be the more interesting thing about her? Took me far to long to understand I'm worth something whether I'm slim or not. Would have gotten there faster if my own mother told me that instead of telling me I'm overweight.

There's a generational disconnect here for sure and far too many women are so toxic to their own children in matters of weight and appearance.

I think cutting and restricting everything 'bad' will just make her do it more in secret and then you are in trouble. Teens generally eat so much rubbish at school so she will have access to this through her friends anyhow. A long process of re education is needed on being more active and making better choices and the overall benefits mentally and physically of eating better and moving more.

I would draw a hardline. No allowance. No money for junk food. People are worried about causing a complex but an eating disorder isn't just anorexia-nervosa. Overeating is an eating disorder too, leading to depression, poor self image, anxiety, and risk of heart disease and diabetes further down the line. Do what you need to do to resolve this, regardless of how unpopular that may be. My son was overweight at 8. It is resolved now. I battle weight issues myself and the root of this is uncontrolled overeating in my teens. I'm getting it under control now but I would have had more tools and a better quality of life had my parents actually parented me. Children need educating and parenting until they can make sound healthy choices for themselves. Your daughter cant. So you need to do it for her.

It is not about her appearance. It is not about her not being loveable or beautiful. It is about her health. As parents we need to model the way to health until our children can make the right choices for themselves.

@Miajk Yes, but they still know what is valued and what is devalued. Body positivity doesn't erase the wider values of the entire culture.

Btw a lot of people think that 2000s era bodies are coming back into fashion.

If there's one thing teens are excellent at, it's seeing through hypocrisy and attempts to sell them a narrative. I doubt anyone on here was around when the old satire account on Instagram that made fun of CAMHS was in its glory days, but believe me, it was merciless. And a lot of people involved with that meme culture were teens with EDs.

That's not how you solve an issue like this, at all.

She'll be able to borrow money from friends here and there. At some point she can get a part time job and then spend that money instead. Eventually she'll be an adult with the same problem still, and access to money.

Stopping the allowance is a very silly, temporary solution for a serious issue.

@Miajk I actually agree that stopping the whole allowance isn't necessarily the solution - but unfortunately your advice isn't better! It's very 'HAES' influenced and that is not what OP needs.

"wider values" - how is being slim a value?

I'm sorry but this is exactly the toxic approach that leads to people having these problems in the first place. Fat people can be beautiful, why wouldn't that be true?

It seems like mumsnet is overall quite full of toxic diet culture but women can do better for their daughters and it's depressing to see statements like these.

She is over eating for a reason, an emotional one and until you get to the root cause of this for her then it will be hard. High sugar foods are her comfort, this is important to understand. A box of fondant fancies are not eaten out of physical hunger but emotional.

@Miajk when I say 'wider values', I mean it in the sense of what is valued and/or validated by society. What some people would call a 'fatphobic' society.

It's not really though is it? The point of reassuring her daughter is to take away the element of shame.

Anyone who's dealt with binge behaviour knows that shame is a massive trigger and part of the problem. Someone else earlier agreed with me and commented that they had an eating disorder in the past too. What is your experience and knowledge of eating disorders? Because it genuinely seems like you have no idea how they work.