Overweight teen

[ColoursAndRainbows]

My 14 year old is putting on more and more weight. Her independence gives her access to shopping as she gets the bus to and from school and walks past the shops to get the bus. She has an allowance each month but instead of buying the odd new top or music downloads or books etc, the vast majority of it is spent on cakes and sweets.

Very conscious not to want to shame her or make her feel bad but she IS overweight. On the NHS BMI she’s in the “very overweight” category. She is not particular sporty but does some however an average level of activity won’t outweigh the amount she is eating. She says she is fine and she says she not unhealthy. I have tried to approach it and it just caused arguments so it’s now avoided but I am worried we are responsible for her and are letting this happen. Her weight will continue to go up and up unless something changes.

I strongly disagree that my view is toxic in any way, btw. I'm in recovery from anorexia and I'm very proud of that fact. You should think before throwing words like toxic around.

I also don't have a DD, am unable to bear children due to severe medical issues (unrelated to past anorexia - genetic stuff). I do have young female relatives and friends, plus obviously a general interest in the topic.

What is your experience and knowledge of eating disorders? Because it genuinely seems like you have no idea how they work.

My experience is incredibly extensive and painful, including losing friends to them. Again, maybe think before making such accusations. @Miajk

Have you always restricted certain foods at home? I would read up about the problems with moralising about foods (having 'good' and 'bad' foods) and the restriction binge cycle, and think about the sort of relationship she has with food. I had friends at school who had a heavily controlled diet at home, as soon as they had the freedom to choose they would eat 5 chocolate bars a day. This sounds very similar to me - I don't think the answer is trying to restrict her even further, she needs to learn to trust her own body and choices, but if she has a hugely skewed view of what she can and can't eat and lots of rules around food it will be very hard. It might be a scary thought but have you thought about not having any food rules at home? Obviously offering a good choice of foods, but not moralising one choice choice over another?

I'm sorry that you've had a painful experience but I can now see why you said what you said.

Weight gain and being overweight is very scary to someone in recovery and that's the place a lot of the statements can come from and be projected from.

The OPs daughter has a chance to not suffer with an eating disorder if this is handled properly and I think we can both agree that's the preferred option. An overweight, mentally healthy daughter is a much better outcome than one suffering with an eating disorder.

That's why all women need to do better for their daughters if they can, and diet culture is incredibly toxic.

IHRTFT

But I would encourage you to look at the BEAT website and search for binge eating disorder & read that page. I don't know if your DD has a form of this or not, obviously, but it may be a useful place for you to start before you say or do anything directly. Girls of this age are fragile beasts and need a careful hand, however confident or stroppy they appear. I'm not sure stopping the allowance straight away is a great idea because it's a knee jerk reaction that is bound to set you in opposition with your teen before you've really worked out what is going on with her.

Maybe also look at the young minds website.

I am not speaking from a position of wanting to promote 'diet culture'. I think your comments are pushing a HAES agenda which is inappropriate for an adolescent girl - what suits your own mental health is up to you, and I fully respect that.

@Miajk

If that's your takeaway then you must have not read what I said.

I said OP should reassure her daughter and not make comments on her body, that's not HAES, it's normal.

I said the actual root cause needs to be tackled and her diet needs to be addressed do it can be nutritious but not restrictive. That's not HAES. I think being in recovery might be clouding your judgement a lot about normal eating behavious.

@Miajk Actually you said that OP should increase DD's access to high calorie foods at home.

It's ableist to suggest that being in recovery compromises my reading ability; I can assure you it does not.

Yes because restricting them leads to bingeing? Surely that's obvious to someone who says they have a lot of experience with eating disorders?

@ColoursAndRainbows I'm keen on o know if you have made any progress? I have exactly the same issue with my daughter. Although her BMI classes her as obese. I'm really struggling with how to help her without causing a different eating disorder. I don't know what to do.