Overweight teen

[ColoursAndRainbows]

My 14 year old is putting on more and more weight. Her independence gives her access to shopping as she gets the bus to and from school and walks past the shops to get the bus. She has an allowance each month but instead of buying the odd new top or music downloads or books etc, the vast majority of it is spent on cakes and sweets.

Very conscious not to want to shame her or make her feel bad but she IS overweight. On the NHS BMI she’s in the “very overweight” category. She is not particular sporty but does some however an average level of activity won’t outweigh the amount she is eating. She says she is fine and she says she not unhealthy. I have tried to approach it and it just caused arguments so it’s now avoided but I am worried we are responsible for her and are letting this happen. Her weight will continue to go up and up unless something changes.

Thank you. I can certainly do that.

Not at all.

The school lunches seem good. What is the reason to swap them for packed lunch?

That was in reply to the Q
does she seem self conscious/ problem with bullies.

if yours are fine - great.
ds choice at school I was less than impressed with. Seems to be lots of a slice of pizza etc.
There also seems to be unlimited cake. The wrap can’t have been filling. Put it this way - he’s not coming home ravenously hungry now he’s on pack lunches , so not heading straight for a sugar hit to keep him going on the way home.

No I don't think link it to 'good behaviour' with food. It should just be learning to treat yourself with things that aren't food.

Could you do something together like yoga or Pilates, meditation maybe. Quality time and learning to create calmness in your body.

I think removing the allowance is enough 'punishment'. You really, really don't want to infantilise her or make her feel bad about herself.

I'm nearly 50 now.

When I was a child/teenager treat/sweet food was strictly limited, due to my mum thinking she was doing her best for us and giving us a healthy upbringing.

Fast forward, I have always struggled with binge eating. As a teenager I can remember spending my money on bars of chocolate and sweets and I did put on weight. No amount of nagging/intervention would have changed that, it would probably have made me feel worse about myself.

What was her diet like as a child?

Ah, yes I see. I’ll double check but I don’t think it’s down to poor lunches at school. They seem good. She does have two hot meals a day (one at school and one at home) but with her activity I don’t think that’s the issue.

Im really grateful for everyone’s thoughts and suggestions. It’s such a tricky thing to tackle.

It was good and she did get treats. But not huge quantities of treats every day like she does now. We’d go out for tea and cake or have ice creams etc. We would have fairly frequent but small treats (eg an ice lolly after dinner or a bag of choc buttons) or more sporadic bigger treats (like going out for cakes at a cafe).

It is a super tricky thing to tackle. You sound like a great mum. I have daughters and as a teen I had an eating disorder, so I totally get where you are coming from. One thing that might be worth thinking about is doing what you can at home to control the cravings by keeping her blood sugar as stable as possible at the start of the day - ditch the cereals and toast and replace with savoury. I find when I do this with my girls (and myself) we are not so hungry and much less likely to reach for something sweet. The kind of food she is eating is pretty addictive - it’s not at all surprising that she is buying so much of it - it’s deliberately made that way. Maybe it is worth trying to talk to her about it in that way - it’s not her lack of self control, it’s the nature of the food she eats, and if she is starting the day off with sugar she will continue to crave it. The Glucose Revolution (v recently published) is a fantastic book with very achievable hacks to keep blood sugar stable and reduce cravings, without cutting sugar out totally and creating an environment where she has to be more devious to get access to sugar. If that makes sense…

That’s great advice. Thank you.

She does have toast for breakfast (with Nutella). It’s not a great start is it? Again, I think she’d burn that off with her walk to and from the bus to school but I’d not thought it in terms of the sugar peak it may create making the later temptations harder to resist. I’ll have a think hon we can perhaps adapt breakfast without it seeming like we are removing access to all her nice food at once! She told me today that her friends think I’m a horrible parent for saying she’s overweight. It’s such a taboo thing to say to someone these days isn’t it but on the other hand she’s our child, only just 14 and we owe it to her to bring her up without her being in the “very overweight” BMI for her age surely.

As a child I was like your daughter and binge ate junk. Family meals were healthy but I bought all the extras.
I think I had no concept of how bad it was for me but I also was insecure, worried about friendship groups, a bit nervous generally. When my parents talked about my weight I felt unloved.
I don’t know what the answer is but you should definitely frame your conversations as being about health rather than size. Also, try and spend time with her doing nice things - build her self esteem and try and stay close

And yes, good parents do try and take action, there is nothing wrong with you trying to keep her a healthy weight

Is there any chance she could have ADHD?

I ask because eating lots of sugary foods, almost compulsively and forgetting to do things that should be routine (cleaning teeth) are two symptoms.

It shows up quite differently in girls to boys (for example I have ADHD and did well at school and I'm not physically hyperactive).

Is she a daydreamer? Anything otherwise a bit unusual about her behaviour?

The author of the book I recommended used as a child to have, if I recall correctly, a crepe with Nutella for breakfast (she is French). 😊 But she says that a savoury breakfast is one of the most powerful things you can do to stabilise blood sugar, and of course to prevent the insulin spikes that are so bad for us and which lead to weight gain. And yes, Nutella on toast is basically just sugar and some not very healthy, inflammatory fats. Tomorrow morning mine will be having something egg based with some healthy fats (grass fed butter or olive oil) and probably some rocket or something with it. They’ve adapted surprisingly quickly to that kind of breakfast, even if they think I’m more than slightly mad.
I don’t think you’re horrible at all - quite the contrary. You want a good and healthy foundation for the rest of her life - these habits are so hard to break once they are established.

OP,
I recently made breakfast switch at home.
my teens were stuffing themselves with the sugary cereal and portion control
Was impossible.
they would have seconds and thirds of it.
I worried about going cold turkey and then skipping breakfast and being hungry at school.
I finally took the plunge and now get porridge, w eetabix and oatibix. They have silently coped.
I buy a box of the sugary stuff for half terms but only a small box which they fInish in 2 days and then they are back to weetabix.
I agree with P P about school lunches being rubbish.
yes there is hot food but too many chances to buy the likes of juice, cakes and even the mini sub pizzas during break which isn't ideal

If she has toast with nut ella, I would cut out the nutella.
make the bread whole grain and serve with egg, fruit and high protein yogurt or even something sweet like kefir which comes in flavours now

Hi op I find these threads interesting and sad and I'd like to give a slightly different perspective...as a massive sugar monster myself !

I also do things like eat a whole packet of fondant fancies...or a familu pack of haribo

The reason I do it is primarily because I'm addicted to sugar ! There is often so much talk abut the emotional and psychological side thst the brutal addictive nature of sugar is not mentioned.

Your child needs help in fighting this. I really believe the worst approach would be to just ignore it and feed her healthily at home.

I think your approach of saying actually we as parents are just not going to give you a wad of cash each month for sweets and treats is the right one. I loathe how much i spend on sugary crap myself

I see so many parents on here afraid to just say no yo a teen thst family money really can't go on endless crap

Don't replace the sweets with treats. She is old enough to understand about addiction and health. Make it clear you are not blaming her but are supporting her to stop lifelong health damage

Jeez the advice on this thread is awful! Please ignore most of it unless you want more issues.

Your daughter knows she's overweight. She probably knows what healthy and slim looks like and what healthy eating would be.

There's a reason why she's eating junk, punishing won't help, restricting further at home won't help.

I was your DD growing up. My mom would try to put me on diets, we never had any treats at home (even before I was an overweight teen), we'd be allowed junk occasionally but my mom would be very vocal about my weight, her ideas of health, healthy eating etc. Made me run in the opposite direction and spend all my money on sweets.

First of all, all foods fit into a healthy diet. Restricting only gives them more power.

Can you afford to buy her a membership or passes to a class she will genuinely enjoy? Doesn't have to be intense, gentle movement to give her an activity she'd like.

Don't comment on her body, or her food choices. Start addressing the reason - boredom, emotional eating? What do you think is actually going on?

Finally, you need to incorporate more "bad foods" into daily life to stop giving them such a pull!

Ex. oven baked chips. Pizza, but with a side of salad. Ice cream, but serve a normal serving size and add fruit.

Cakes, biscuits, all of that goes also - set some good rules around mealtimes. Eating together, no devices or distractions. Everyone gets a treat plate (ex. 2 biscuits and some fruit).

It took me very long and a painful 10 years of eating disorder struggles to realize that once I allowed myself to eat everything and stopped judging it as good/bad, I no longer want to. There's no point, it will be there tomorrow, I can always have it, and look forward to it as part of a balanced lifestyle.

If you don't handle this right, it might turn into an eating disorder. Speak to a professional if you can.

I think it’s extremely hard to break habits if she’s gotten into them having junk food to and from school. Also junk food is addictive, the fat/sugar combo gives your brain a feel good hit.
I’ve never ever heard of someone changing their diet and getting healthy because they were criticized about their weight. It never works.
It is incredibly hard to break habits and lose weight or we’d all find it easy.
personally I put a lot of weight on in puberty, craved sugary foods and struggled to lose weight. Turns out I had PCOS.
I would have a chat and say you’re worried for her health and would like to help. Could you do an exercise class together, some meal planning and try some junk food portion control (buying a chomp instead of a big bar of chocolate?!) and seeing if she could stick to no junk to and from school but then have a dessert at home? Tell her it’s not about her weight but changing bad habits for good ones.
ultimately you might just have to accept her and her weight. Just be as open, honest and supportive as you can. If you criticize she’ll start feeling ashamed (she probably already does) and hide things from you.

I agree that toast and foods that are high in glucose/ sucrose are probably creating sugar highs

If I eat toast or a processed cereal for breakfast I'm hungry by 10am.

I need protein and fibre to keep me feeling full. I would try to tempt her with tasty savoury foods - for me that's chorizo and feta omelettes, Avocado on sourdough with a sprinkle of feta, shakshuka etc

I almost never have carbs anymore - I love courgetti, or cauliflower rice instead. I am lucky that I enjoy a lot of veggies and fill my plate up with those. I do have a big appetite and I'm not as active as I used to be so I make a point of filling my plate with high fibre veggies and meat.

Could you try to interest her in cooking and finding healthy foods that she loves? Maybe fine some instagram accounts to
Follow?

How do you know what she weighs?

It such a difficult situation. I started eating similarly to your daughter throughout the lockdowns and piled on weight. I felt completely obsessed with food especially crisps, family sized bars of chocolate, ice cream etc. One thing that’s helped me is to focus on delicious filling things that I can eat and now I don’t miss the junk.

For breakfast I have things like scrambled egg, porridge/berry museli, Greek yogurt with blueberries. If she likes eggs they’re a great option. Snacks are kallo beetroot rice cakes which taste similar to crisps and oatcakes topped with strawberries. I have an options hot chocolate or a ufit protein shake sometimes too.

Could your daughter take some snacks to school for breaktimes and to eat on the way home? A pot of blueberries/grapes or a couple of those individually wrapped small portions of cheese? If she wants to go to the shop with her friends could you point out better choices in terms of limiting her sugar intake to protect the health of her teeth such a as curly wurly or a fudge?

Could you walk together most days now the weather is better and it’s lighter for longer to get your 10k steps in? I like to go and look at the cygnets near me most days. You could present it as you’d like to do more walking and enlist the family’s help.

As someone who developed anorexia as a teen, I couldn't agree more.