When your child’s abilities don’t match their aspirations…

[AloyNoraWarrior]

What’s the best approach?
A) Tell them they can do/be anything they want
B) Be encouraging but honest about requirements. For example, highlight the qualifications and steps needed to achieve the goal
C) Gently steer away towards something more achievable/suitable
D) Be brutally honest and crush their dreams

B.

Whose aspirations?

Also B

I am attempting C but it isn't working, so I may have to change to B.

How bad is the mismatch?
If they are bottom set at school but want to be a surgeon, or have terrible eyesight but want to be a fighter pilot, then B or C.
If they are getting ok grades, but need excellent ones, then combining B and A would be more supportive.
If they are 4 foot 11 and want to play Basketball in the USA, you might have to go for D.

B but stop at be encouraging. They will realise they're not going to be the next Simone Biles in their own time

B. If they understand every step and qualification they need, then each step is a goal. They may just surprise you! Or they may realise themselves that maybe they're not cut out for it.

It depends on their age.

Depends on age - gently diverting to something different when younger, brutal honesty when older /teen. My experience is that when they get older and realise they are not as good as others at <insert hobby/interest/ dream of choice> they get it anyway and either give it up altogether or accept that it’s a fun activity but not something that’s going to make them a living/ famous

B/C My DD from a young age has loved animals. She struggles academically. So we started with 'Oh a vet is really hard, but you could be a vet nurse', and worked our way down from there.

Combination of B and C. Only be very very gentle with the steering if choosing C. It has to be their idea, not yours. You’re there for support and discussion, not suggestions and opinions.

There are usually a range of jobs within a particular field, so if you know what area they want to work in, talk about the different jobs involved.

This is making me think of a student I had once who wanted to be a pilot - he had no GCSEs at all and couldn't see why pilots had to have an education. After talking to him I realised what he wanted was a job with a uniform and to work at Manchester airport. He got a job in one of the shops there and was really happy.

I was thinking about my DS and his friend then that got me that me thinking in more general terms.

DS is picking his GCSE options but he’s only actually being put in for 4 GCSE’s (and probably won’t achieve equivalent of C or above in any). His other options are all entry level. He wants to go to University and be a researcher in an area that interests him. He is concerned that he’s not been put in for enough GCSES to do A Levels at College.

And if there’s anyone supportive who isn’t you that you can call on to offer encouragement/advice if you’re attempting C then that’s also probably going to go down better.

Probably C, but mine are still quite young and easy to encourage onto something else. If they were a bit older (8-14 maybe), I'd go with B as they're more set in what they want, but there could still be time to put the work in and make it achievable if they are prepared to.

From 14 onwards I'd probably tend more towards D, as your doing them no favours letting them enrol onto courses you know they'll fail. They would end up with nothing and miss the opportunity to do something they could have succeeded in.

Do you agree with school he shouldn’t be pushed? If A Levels and research isn’t ever going to be achievable then definitely C.

I mean, it sounds like your DS is well aware of B if he’s already understood he’ll need A Levels and lack of GCSEs will hinder him. So you’re not at B because he has awareness.

He may not get to do A levels straight away but he could build up to it over a couple of years.

At the stage l wouldn't crush his dreams as that will have a huge impact on his self esteem and confidence.

B with a bit of C. I'd encourage him to look also at WHY this thing interests him and what similar options are available. Maybe there are other routes to get to his dream job? My dad dreamed of uni and becoming an engineer.. he did an apprenticeship and spent decades working his way into a research job in his factory, then eventually was offered an academic position in a university through a contact he made. He was beyond thrilled.

At 15/16 it is hard to imagine the vast range of future paths/careers that exist , much less how to access them. So don't crush the dream - encourage him to try and temper this with little bites of realism sweetened with a whole catalogue of other dreams he could imagine for himself.

I think it depends how sure you are about the mismatch between their dreams and their (potential) level of ability. If they are young and still developing, it's not always obvious what would be out of the question for them.

I think I started at A with my DCs when they were young (which with hindsight was perhaps too optimistic) but then gradually worked my way down the list as they got older. Not easy, but at the end of the day some level of realism is required.

If it’s so specific then I’d contact an organisation/department in that research field and also for advice. Explain that the area fascinates your DS and explain his likely qualifications and strengths and ask about what roles within their department might fit.

A, B and C

B but don't rule out the possibility that your child might grow into their aspirations. I was pretty rubbish at school (mostly because I couldn't be bothered) but wanted to be a doctor! Yeah, I know! I failed all my mock A Levels and that was the kick I needed to really start trying. Ended up getting 3 x As in my finals, got offered a place at a fab university through the clearing system. I didn't pursue medicine (thankfully!!!) but I now have a masters, plus am back at Uni doing a specialist diploma while working in senior management. So yeah...long way from getting an E in GCSE maths and science. Sometimes you DO grow into your aspirations.

B&C. We also had an aspiring vet in our family. She was completely obsessed with animals from when she was very young, and being a vet was the only thing she ever wanted to do. Unfortunately, she was never going to get any sort of science A levels, never mind the A*/A grades required to study Veterinary Medicine. She’s now a Vet Nurse, and loves her job.