When your child’s abilities don’t match their aspirations…

[AloyNoraWarrior]

What’s the best approach?
A) Tell them they can do/be anything they want
B) Be encouraging but honest about requirements. For example, highlight the qualifications and steps needed to achieve the goal
C) Gently steer away towards something more achievable/suitable
D) Be brutally honest and crush their dreams

I got no qualifications at school, did really low paid jobs etc and never thought I'd get anywhere in life. After working in a bar in a strip club and being treated like dirt, I decided to go and do my GCSEs and achieved five at grades a and b, then went to university and qualified as a nurse. Everytime I told someone when I was a child that I wanted to be a nurse, they always replied I was too thick.

Anyway, I'd choose B.

A or B.

like pp have said you can’t predict what a child may achieve.

there’s also many different paths to a goal. I knew a lad that one day decided to go back to uni and ended up with a chemistry phd. He’d failed everything at school.

there’s nothing wrong with aiming high anyway. You’ll learn a lot along the way and likely come across something you can do and want to do.

The good news @AloyNoraWarrior is he could work at a zoo, my friends son with Sen does. He took a college course from 16-18 that got him level 1 courses, then another college course for animal husbandry (level 2) then went to a residential college to do a level 3 animal husbandry course with placements (not sure exact location, I've mostly lost touch since covid) just recently he "graduated" from college and his placement small zoo has taken him on with accommodation and support provided - she put it on Facebook

Btec level 2 (GCSE equivalent) and level 3 ( A level equivalent) might be the way to go? Animal care too maybe? We have a college near us where students can study from y9 - mostly applied and practical courses in farming, animal care etc. Up to degree or equivalent level. They have a number of students with additional needs.
At the stage he's at would he be looking to do anything different than take the courses he's entered for ks4? If not, then you don't need to be brutal. Just keep showing him other options and pathways.

Completely depends on how intent they are, how old they are, how unrealistic it is and whether they're making choices which will prevent them from being able to do something more suitable.

My eldest is 14 and was adamant that he wanted to join the army. I hoped it was just a phase as I really don't like the idea. He talked about it non-stop for a while and joined cadets. I talked about career options in the army, talked about all the downsides, pointed out that he's basically a huge hypochondriac and claims to be unable to do physical things on a regular basis and is also extremely sensitive - still terrified of the dark, can't be left alone etc, has lots of issues with anxiety and intrusive thoughts. He's clearly not suited to it. I became concerned when he was picking his options and all of his plans seemed to involve the idea of joining the army and then leaving to do something else.

In the end I had to be brutally honest and tell them that I don't think he would be accepted into the army. He has some physical issues which may affect it, has been to the GP with chest issues, uses medication every day and may need to do that into adulthood and has weakened hand muscles. The grip issues are actually the biggest problem. I felt horrible crushing his dreams like that but at this age he needs steering and this is something he's physically unable to do. Thankfully, he's moved on and has some other ideas now.

Your DS does have a point that quite a few things require 5 GCSEs, so if he is only put in for 4 that is limiting his options. Or at least, it is limiting his options if he is capable of more.

It's always a difficult situation.
I am definitely not of the Disneyesque "You can be anything you want to be if you just try hard enough" school of thought.
We can't all be whatever we want to be. Many of us have limitations of some kind which mean we can't reach goals we aspire to no matter how hard we try. Or sometimes its simply a matter of the supply of suitably able people massively exceeding the demand for certain roles and we can't all be lucky.
The corollary of "you can be anything want if you try hard enough" is that if you aren't successful it must mean that you didn't want it badly enough or work hard enough, which is of course a load of tosh. But it's a logical conclusion for someone who has been brought up to believe this to coms to, and it's potentially hugely damaging. Realism, though it may be painful at the time, is much better in the long term
One of my children dreamed of a career in a sphere where they are indeed talented, but have a physical limitation which rules out their dream. I realised this early on, but supported them to try and get as far as possible, whilst always stressing the need for a plan B. They are now happy in a different role in the same general field. I tried to be supportive but realistic, and with time and maturity they figured things out for themselves.
I think your situation is a bit different OP. It sounds like your DS has a dream that is based on misunderstandings so it's not simply that his aspirations exceed his abilities but that his aspirations don't exactly exist? Would it be helpful to try to somehow show him that being a University researcher isn't actually what he thinks it is, and isn't the dream job he imagines? And I would try to explore other animal related roles to see if something else grabs him that's more realistic.
I am sure most people think that my DC only took their current path because they "failed " in their original goal, and initially that was true. But as they've got older, understood more about the reality of their dream job and their own interests and talents they've realised that plan B was always a better choice and now honestly feel that they wouldn't want plan A even if it magically became an option now. Your DS is still very young, and there is every chance that he will come to similar conclusions with time. I'd aim for "encouraging but realistic" if you can. Best of luck to him in the future.

Can you look at what is stopping him from getting what he needs? Why does he do no work? Is it anxiety related? Is the work beyond his capabilities? Is he only prepared to do things that he is extremely interested in? In he severely dyslexic? I'm assuming he's autistic from what you've said, but is it anxiety/comorbid dyslexia/low IQ/rigid thinking (or something else) that's causing the issues? Is there anything that could be put in place to help him ie medication (for anxiety) or a reader/scribe for dyslexia? I just wonder why he does no work at school and if that could be turned around somehow?

Are you anywhere near Greatwood? They might be your answer.

It could be that the school are not extremely skilled in identifying potential and thinking creatively about how to nurture it. If they are just going to state which courses he is likely to be able to succeed with, then it doesn't help you at all with his emotional health and helping him to manage it.

I would back off from giving careers-type advice...... and leave that to school. I worry, and saying it from being a mother of SEN ASD child, that you might find it a struggle to manage being accurate and realistic with supporting his morale. I've just found from friends who are mums to higher functioning SEN teenagers that the 'be realistic' conversations rarely go as well as the 'youre fantastic with a host of skills' conversations.Especially if the kids happen to be entering a sort of separating, finding their own identity phase. Why it be you who does this guiding ; I would just be unconditionally loving and be a bit subtle:

I would encourage the practical activities, as he might really love these, once he gets into them, and be less interested in university research. There are lots of fascinating courses, eg at Capel Manor, here in London, and hopefully where you are - and Entry Level.

A good tutor could also be a mentor and help with the guiding and reinforcing confidence and self-belief. Maybe a twenty-something graduate, who is young and near to his age. So if you hear of a good tutor - or go on Tutor sites to find one - maybe this will be good for the mentoring.

I think lots of volunteering will help him, from another angle, find out what he is good at and enjoys - in the way of soft skills, etc

I would start looking at 6th form courses that might interest him. Is there anything like Merrist Wood near you? I know a couple of people whose children have been there from similar positions and it's been brilliant for them and helped them find something (realistic) that want to do.

l worked in a special school at one time. Every so often the subject of future jobs would come up. It was not unusual for a child to say that they wanted to be a doctor/nurse/teacher etc. They were let down gently by being told that those jobs involved a lot of writing and they were reminded that they really did not like writing. I would say something along those lines to your son when he mentions the idea of being a university researcher. You could also say that it means he would have to do a lot of homework - of which he is obviously also not in favour. Things might have changed but in the past four GCSEs at grade D or equivalent were necessary for level 2. Perhaps level 1 might be more realistic.

I think you are right @MrsAvocet in that his aspiration doesn’t exist. So in many ways it’s a moot point.

@Staynow no one is really sure why he does no work or what his capabilities actually are (because he won’t engage in tests). I think it’s a combination of rigid thinking and anxiety. He won’t engage in anything he’s not interested in. His communication is extremely poor. He’s very good at regurgitating facts but no analytical skills or original thought. I’ve noticed he struggles with comprehension but rather than say he doesn’t understand he will just refuse to do anything. He is demand avoidant which I think is anxiety driven. He can’t follow more than one simple instruction at a time. He has very slow processing. He takes medication for anxiety and depression.

He was given the option of two additional GCSE’s but one was History which he doesn’t enjoy at all and as he’s never written more than a paragraph it was decided it might be too challenging to write a whole essay. The other GCSE he could do is Art but he doesn’t want to. Frustrating because he’s actually very talented but he doesn’t engage with art at school because he doesn’t like being told what do and only likes one specific medium.

Ah yes, I think you are right @Violinist64 I think they said 4 GCSE’s because I remember thinking it was just enough if he manages to pass them all.

A large part of the week will be spent on preparing for adulthood and employment skills. Which I think is probably the most important skills.

@AloyNoraWarrior you are taking a very sensible approach. My oldest son is autistic and went to a special school and l always felt life skills was the most important part of the curriculum.

@AloyNoraWarrior you are taking a very sensible approach. My oldest son is autistic and went to a special school and l always felt life skills was the most important part of the curriculum.

@AloyNoraWarrior

I know someone who left school with less than 4 GCSEs below grade C. He went into a support role in FE, had a great manager who believed in him and left with a masters degree and significant teaching/management experience. He now works in a staff development role in HE and is paid a lot more than most researchers.

He still has low self-esteem and takes on far too much as he feels he has to constantly prove himself, so I’d go with a careful mix of A and B.

If he’s not capable of getting any better than 4Ds at GCSE then A-levels aren’t going to be on the cards.

OP, what’s the story; is there a reason for these expectations?

Why not encourage him towards a less demanding career working with animals? He could perhaps enjoy work at a zoo. To prepare for that, he could volunteer at an animal charity, cleaning pens, grooming or walking dogs.

I don’t know where you live OP, but if you are remotely rural there will probably be an agricultural college near you.

This one is close to us:

www.plumpton.ac.uk/courses/animal-management/

Depending on what level he goes in at, entry requirements are as low as 2 GCSEs at grade 1-2. Plus they provide a functional skills (English and Maths) qualification.

Yours does sound a hard situation, for you, but I agree that there's a fair bit of time and indeed your son could mature a long way and increase his skills significantly between now and 25. There's good reason why EHCPs need to support young people well past typical school age.

It does sound as if he has an interest that can be leveraged - the comment you shared about him agreeing to go camping and hiking illustrates this beautifully. Does he enjoy talking about animals? I can imagine ultimately some "zoo education officer" type roles being achievable even if he remains fairly rigid, for example. Gradually exploring "where can this take you" stuff might evolve into a greater willingness to engage with stuff he finds impossible at the moment. Has he read Gerald Durrell's books?

I admit I have the opposite kind of conversation with my DS (16). He believes that "talent" isn't a thing, or rather that it just reflects the extra practice and effort that happens as a result of interest and opportunity. He's definitely got a point - but it's not the whole story. (He is genuinely talented in some areas and extremely capable at others; as long as he continues to be thoughtful and sympathetic to other's state of knowledge and understanding, hopefully he'll continue to be able to get along with most people he meets as his world widens beyond school).

OP you have my very best wishes for continuing to find effective ways to support your son on a journey towards realistic outcomes but I will certainly cross my fingers that in future years he will surprise all his teachers and take more steps than might seem likely at this point.

Doing a reveal on how tough most glamorous jobs are can help. Sweating your arse off 14 hrs a day in return for pence and no job security in traditional media for instance; or living off plane meals for a year while fighting off a rapey agent if you’re a model.

Long hours, rejection, endless management rather than doing what you like are all hallmarks of prestige careers. It’s a different planet and part of being successful is making it look easy.

I think A in this case but dial it down and just say yes hopefully if your GCSEs go well you can look at doing a levels. Something non comital. Saying "If you you work hard" might mean it's his fault if he doesn't and might feel blamed etc. Don't tell him he will be the next David Attenborough Though.

What happens is that he realistically won't have this option open to him when he makes his next set of choices at post 16 and this won't be you fault as you can't predict what he will get in his gcse now. At each next point he will find the most suitable alternative with guidance from school and colleges directing g him towards the most suitable path. Need for EHCPs threshold are quite high so imagine he will have lots of support so you could ask to discuss this with sendco or at his review.

I was told basically I wouldn't get to be x y z. Very demoralising. Self fulfilling prophecy.

I know of several people who left school without a single qualification, spent years in low-paid jobs and then went back to education and excelled. They'd been written off too early. Not everyone has to take the traditional path. Not every route to a professional job or a PhD is via A Levels at 18

Anyway, does your son have assistive tech at all that could help him with the writing he finds arduous? He could dictate into a phone/tablet/laptop/chrome book or have a scribe if it's the physical writing that's the issue.

He enjoys Google. Does he have any interest in creating websites? Or quality control or assurance work on sites at all - that might include a range of jobs, such as user or usability testing. If he likes zoology would he be interested in working directly with animals or is it the facts he likes, in which case could he work as a fact checker as part of site edited/copy editing. Or data entry. Zoology sites might be a bit niche but it's a starting point for setting goals and targets that might interest and motivate him.

Overall, I'd go for B including different possible routes. With perhaps C as in terms of an alternative route or showing other possible options.

What is it about zoology that appeals? I doubt that post grad research is what he imagines it might be at all. Is he taking any science gcse?