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Original poster

When your child’s abilities don’t match their aspirations…

92 replies

AloyNoraWarrior · 11/06/2022 12:29

What’s the best approach?
A) Tell them they can do/be anything they want
B) Be encouraging but honest about requirements. For example, highlight the qualifications and steps needed to achieve the goal
C) Gently steer away towards something more achievable/suitable
D) Be brutally honest and crush their dreams

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 11/06/2022 21:20

Dh younger brother insisted on applying to Cambridge as Dh got in. He’s not massively academic so obviously didn’t get in. Made things difficult between them shame he didn’t follow an entirely different path.

ScrollingLeaves · 11/06/2022 21:21

AloyNoraWarrior · Today 12:43
I was thinking about my DS and his friend then that got me that me thinking in more general terms.

DS is picking his GCSE options but he’s only actually being put in for 4 GCSE’s (and probably won’t achieve equivalent of C or above in any). His other options are all entry level. He wants to go to University and be a researcher in an area that interests him. He is concerned that he’s not been put in for enough GCSES to do A Levels at College.

That is a wide gulf. It is quite odd that he wants to do university research later but is only able to do 4 GCSEs which suggests that university research would be the last thing he’d want.

Is he capable of much more but it’s all gone wrong? If so, couldn’t he be given the chance to put it right?

Would he be able to do A levels at college with 4?

DoloresMores · 11/06/2022 21:24

Would lab assistant be a possibility for him? Doesn’t need A levels and can train on the job. That way he could be contributing to research even if he’s not the researcher.

StudentMumTo3 · 11/06/2022 21:24

StudentMumTo3 · 11/06/2022 21:12

I know of several people who left school without a single qualification, spent years in low-paid jobs and then went back to education and excelled. They'd been written off too early. Not everyone has to take the traditional path. Not every route to a professional job or a PhD is via A Levels at 18

Anyway, does your son have assistive tech at all that could help him with the writing he finds arduous? He could dictate into a phone/tablet/laptop/chrome book or have a scribe if it's the physical writing that's the issue.

He enjoys Google. Does he have any interest in creating websites? Or quality control or assurance work on sites at all - that might include a range of jobs, such as user or usability testing. If he likes zoology would he be interested in working directly with animals or is it the facts he likes, in which case could he work as a fact checker as part of site edited/copy editing. Or data entry. Zoology sites might be a bit niche but it's a starting point for setting goals and targets that might interest and motivate him.

Overall, I'd go for B including different possible routes. With perhaps C as in terms of an alternative route or showing other possible options.

I meant I'd go for B.... generally speaking/with my children.

spotcheck · 11/06/2022 21:26

2bazookas · 11/06/2022 19:31

Why not encourage him towards a less demanding career working with animals? He could perhaps enjoy work at a zoo. To prepare for that, he could volunteer at an animal charity, cleaning pens, grooming or walking dogs.

You know many zoo workers have a degree, right? Very competitive job

spotcheck · 11/06/2022 21:28

OP
Please don't do anything except B
Encourage and support him with extra curricular activities. Research is more than science, and you DO NOT need A levels for it.

People do field work, and volunteer with charities. Have a look at what your local Wildlife Trust does.

Glitternails1 · 11/06/2022 21:46

B or C are the kindest options. You might hear about CEOs on £100k with zero qualifications as they left school at 14… but that doesn’t happen nowadays. Jobs are so so competitive. Entry level jobs aren’t really entry level as you need the qualifications and work experience to even get shortlisted.

Singleandproud · 11/06/2022 21:50

You could support him in taking part in Citizen science projects, big bird count, bat watch etc there are lots of different projects going on all year.

Academically if he is capable then the OU might be a good alternative as he gets older. You can try some courses for free through Open Learn before paying for them. You may have the issue where home is home and no 'school' work gets done there that is very common amongst children with SEN.

In terms of professional research something very repetitive or process driven may suit your DS.

In my experience many young people don't attempt tests etc as they fear getting the answer wrong and if you don't try you can't fail.

topthelot · 11/06/2022 22:22

I was A until they got to Year 7 then slowly transitioned to B then C.

My DD wanted to be a vet - Not a chance.

Now she’d like to do A Levels….. Getting any GCSE’s, how things are at the moment would be a miracle but I’m still B/C, for now!

Craftycorvid · 11/06/2022 22:31

We change a lot from childhood to adulthood (no shit, Sherlock, I know). I struggled hugely at school for various reasons and left with narry an O level. I did a basic grade clerical job for some years and did my Os and As at what was then the local technical college. I went on to get a Masters degree and then professional qualifications. Some folk are late bloomers. I think encouraging children to be aware they may well go through a few different roles en route to their dreams is helpful. Unless they really do want to be an athlete/ballet dancer or something else that realistically requires someone to start very young, many more professions than is obvious are amenable to mature entry. I have known more than one medical student in their 30s, not an easy journey but the academic advantages of greater emotional maturity shouldn’t be under-estimated either.

Longdistance · 11/06/2022 22:33

B and C. Encourage them but be realistic with them to have a back up plan.

ScrollingLeaves · 11/06/2022 22:34

My apologies for what I wrote before. I stupidly not rtft.

It is a shame about the art. If he did a lot of art at home, no one telling him what to do, and he built up a portfolio, do you think he could go to art school with his qualifications? (Once many years ago art schools used to be able to be flexible if the talent is was there I think.)

Does he like photography? Could he photograph nature and animals?

SarahAndQuack · 11/06/2022 22:35

This may be a stupid thought, but I wonder if he'd enjoy doing some kind of data entry/admin at a zoo, or even a pet shop? He'd get to see what types of animals were coming in and learn about them.

I love plants, and in my current job, I work in a plant nursery where we have lots of plants coming in every day. I tag them, and when we plant them out, I handle all the labels, and it is a lot like getting to google things you're interested in all the time. But it doesn't require GCSEs. And it is genuinely interesting and fun. Perhaps if he could do something similar with animals, that would work?

FWIW I was a university researcher before this, and I think if what he likes is the aspect of finding out about things, a role like this could suit him well.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 12/06/2022 00:42

I wonder if he would be interested in helping with a Zooniverse (citizen scientist) project.

www.zooniverse.org/projects

It’s real research scientists looking for help from people who are keen but don’t have qualifications. People - including children - can contribute from the comfort of their own bedrooms.The zoology projects seem to be about having an eye for visual detail, being able to spot and classify animals in images. There’s a chance to talk online with others about what you find too.

Your description of your DS actually makes me think of Chris Packham, the wildlife presenter. He was diagnosed with autism later in life and features in a couple of YouTube videos talking about his experiences in the educational system. He studied Zoology at university but thinks he could have got a lot more out of it if he had addressed his problems with communication earlier. I
find him very illuminating on what it's like to be neurodiverse and to struggle to fit in.

It sounds like communication is a fundamental issue with your DS too. And cooperation. Maybe if he were to get the chance to work on projects that seem meaningful to him, the impulse to connect with others to share information would override his anxiety, and he would start to mature and develop in ways that might surprise you.

DiscoBadgers · 12/06/2022 01:06

This is outing but fuck it. My boss left school at 15. No GCSES. Took a receptionists job at a hospital clinic. 20 years later, she’s a director of the hospital.

I got 11A* GCSES, 4As at A level, and a double first BA hons. She’s much younger than me, very much my senior and deservedly so.

There are so many routes to successful and fulfilling lives. He’ll find one.

thismeansnothing · 12/06/2022 01:06

A mix of A and B. DD(10) is insisting she wants to be a pro ballet dancer. (She has her dad's genes when it comes to anything physical so it wo t happen 🤣) So we had a chat about how hard she'd have to work and that as well as her lessons she needs to start practicing at home. But it's good to have a goal and a passion and that can lead to other things. If she didn't become a ballet dancer Maybe she could be a dance teacher, or a set designer or a coreographer for stage shows or a costume designer.

MsTSwift · 12/06/2022 09:00

Relieved dd2 moved on from her singing phase she really really can’t sing and used to do recitals for extended family who sat through it bless them. W she joined the primary school choir we went on about how much more fun it was singing in a group rather than putting yourself forward for a solo. Thankfully that phase passed…

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